Telling my story feels incredibly healing for me. As I sit to write this,

Posted On Friday, March 16, 2007  by Tracy

Telling my story feels incredibly healing for me.  As I sit to write this, memories of that devestating few weeks come flooding back to me.  It was such a shock to realize the potential dangers of childbirth.  Never, ...never-ever did I imagine it was possible for me to DIE during childbirth, worse yet that my child was in mortal danger.  In spite of the fact that my paternal grandmother had two sisters who died from complications related to childbirth; I brushed that aside as being too long ago to even be concerned about, I thought, of course medical science has progressed enough that women no longer have to worry about dying in childbirth, at least not in the USA.  So, to hear that there are thousands of others out there who experienced what I did, was even more of a shock...and a relief. 

It began for me as swelling.  Swelling in my feet that suddenly wouldn't go away not matter how much I elevated them, then it reached my legs, then my arms and face became slightly puffy.  But, I was still going to wait until my next midwife visit until one day, I just did not feel right.  I was at work, and this feeling of general malaise came over me, then I saw a visual migraine that I've seen in the past, only this time it was different, it was more severe, and it lasted twice as long.  I knew in my gut something was wrong, and the worst thing was that I also knew I could do nothing about it, that I needed help.  Fortunately, I read enough about complications of pregnancy to know that what I had could be pre-eclampsia.  I really wanted to deny it, because my plan was to give birth in a birthing center with a midwife, and two birthing partners naturally.  I couldn't deny it, and knew I needed help.  I called my midwife, and she asked me to go home, then come in the next day.  When I arrived my face was so swollen from my sobbing the night before that it was difficult to know if it was the crying or the fluid!  But, I had gained 9 pounds in less than a week, and my BP was up significantly more than usual.  My BP is normally 90/60 and it was 134/80.  She sent me to the hospital.  It was such an out of body experience from the moment I entered the triage until I left the hospital two weeks later.  Things were only getting slightly worse for the first three days, except my babies heart kept stopping for short periods every 6 hours or so, so they kept me to moniter her until it was steady for at least 12 hours.  I wanted to go home so badly.  I tried to talk to her, and tell her to calm down so we could leave the hospital, but she knew better than me that we needed to be there.  Because the next thing that happened was that over a 24 hour period things got drastically worse.  My BP was increasing, my liver enzymes were going bad, there was now protein in my urine, and I had this tremendous headache, and pain in my upper stomach.  Even though my midwife had induced me the night before hoping for a vaginal delivery it became such an emergency that they had to do a c section immediately.  And, I mean immediately.  The doctor was walking by my room and heard me throwing up,and said that's it let's go!!  Now!!  Everyone was rushing around, and with my permission they whisked me off to the surgical suite.  I was in such a daze that I remember only bits and pieces, but I do remember the epidural, and the people in white, in a white sterile room all gathered around, giving me as much comfort as possible, and I remember seeing my daughter lying on my chest for a brief moment before she was whisked away to the NICU.  And, that's the last thing I remember...until a day later when I woke up, and I couldn't see properly, everything was fuzzy, and warped, and I  couldn't move my body, and I couldn't remember what year it was.  It is a very strange thing to remember not remembering.  I remember the MD's asking me over and over again in an endless barage of questioning (or it seemed like a barrage to me, I am told they came in hourly to test my cognition) what year is it, and thinking "I don't know what that is?  What is a year?  And, why is it so important to these people."  I wanted so badly to please them to get it right, yet I couldn't.  And, they'd ask me to move my arms and my legs in all sorts of directions to test my strength and coordination.  The most difficult one, holding my arms out as if holding a pizza box, caused my limbs to shake so badly the whole bed moved with them!!  I was in the ICU for four days, and in the hospital for a total of 2 weeks.  They told me I developed PRES syndrome a rare condition where the BP gets so bad there is swelling on the brain.  No one had heard of it except the neurologist (who thank god did), so all caretakers were also in a state of shock too.  But, fortunately they were aware enough to recognize something was wrong with my brain.  I am so lucky to have had such wonderful care.  Reading all the stories of women who were given such negligent care made me feel sick.  That is a real tragedy.  There's no excuse for such negligence.  Too often professionals perceive their world with such blinders on that they can't see what's right there in front of them, just off to the side a bit.  The MDs told me that I was lucky to be alive, and to not have permanent brain damage.  They said my progress was miraculous.  I know it was, I felt so much loving energy being sent my way from friends and family, and friends and families prayer groups.  My daughter and I are doing really great now 6 months later.  The experience provided me with an unusual opportunity to be immensely grateful for all the people who sent me loving energy, who cared for me in the hospital and beyond, and for the gift of my beautiful amazing daughter whom I don't miss a moment to cherish.