I usuallly am a great conversationalist. For once I don't know exactly how to
I usuallly am a great conversationalist. For once I don't know exactly how to start so I'll ramble on my story to the best of my ability. It has been 6 days. Dark days since I felt an inch of light. Last moment of light, holding my beautiful baby boy Caleb Montiel in my arms. Though his breath was gone and his eyes were closed, I knew his spirit was still in this shell I carried.
Caleb Montiel passed in my womb at 25 weeks. I delivered my baby boy on July 2. Although weird or abnormal to some I held him in my arms and slept with him in my arms that night. I could feel his spirit. I knew exactly when his spirit left his body because I spent the whole night singing him songs, talking to him, kissing his little face and inhaling his perfume. I stayed up the whole night until for an instant I fell asleep. At that instant the nurse came in to wake me and let me know they had to take my son now to prepare him for his burial.
I knew that my baby boy released me in peace and kissed my eyes. He closed my eyes and told me to sleep, that he was going to his resting place in heaven with all the other babies who were just like him. He told me, "Sleep mommy. I gotta go and I don't want you to cry. I want you to sleep so we can meet in our dreams together."
Right now I just feel a mixture of hate, anger, love, disbelief, hurt, sadness. All these feeling won't bring my son back. I have moments of closure and acceptance followed by massive attacks of hate. I ask, Why didn't my doctor notice my feet were swelling abnormally. The signs were there. She kept insisting it was normal.
How am I going to cope? How am I going to ever see light again? I failed my baby boy. I failed the love of my life.
Caleb honey mommy will always be here :
You are my sunshine my only sunshine....
You make me happy when times are gray....
You'll never know dear how much I love you....
Please don't take my sunshine away....