The lost innocence of pregnancy

Posted On Wednesday, January 12, 2011  by Jamie

My husband, Adam,  and I could not have been more thrilled when we found out we were pregnant. There was no discussion had or decision to be made... I would use the same doctors I had gone to for ten years.  OB/GYNs are baby docs, they know about babies and their mamas; what's to think about?

Having never been pregnant before, I had no idea what to expect.  When the morning sickness hit, it was volatile.  As the nurses at my docs office had advised, I called them with each question I had. Each time they answered my question, either saying or implying "it's your first pregnancy, this is normal".  At this point I suppose they were right. 

Then, just three months into this pregnancy, my feel swelled.  Badly.  Of course it was combined with a road trip, so the nurses just told me it was normal, put my feet up and don't worry.  I did worry.  I didn't feel well.  I was beginning to feel a sense of malaise with this pregnancy.  I just didn't feel right.  As my mom and friends told me how much they had loved being pregnant, I wondered if they were nuts or if I was, because I was not loving this experience.

We had an 18 week ultrasound and found out we were having a son. My husband and I were both giddy at this news (especially him!) and we couldn't weight to tell everyone.  At the 20 week check up, I had a list of questions and number one was, "is it really ok that my legs are swelling up to my knees?".  My legs were hard and they hurt.  When I got to the doc and stood on the scale, for the first time in a month, I had gained 17 pounds.  In one month!  That quickly became question number two!

As the nurse entered the room to take my BP, I was running the list over in my head.  I heard the machine start, end, and as I looked over I saw that it was 150/90.  That seemed high to me.  Her too.  She told me to lay on my left side and "not worry".  Really?  Don't worry?  When the doc came in, the nurse took it again.  It really hadn't come down.  He pulled out his laptop, sat down and began talking... I have gestational hypertension... it's normal... I will be ok with mild medication... when I asked him about the swelling and rapid weight gain, he told me "it's normal; you're pregnant; it will get worse over the next six months."  All of this while never looking up from his computer.

We left with a prescription, a follow-up date, a couple of tests to be done and a pat on the head being told worrying is the worst thing I can do!  I was told to lay on my left side as I took my blood pressure.

Needless to say, the next two weeks flew by, in a blur I was in and out of the LDR ER, released each time, being told not to worry, that I was making my blood pressure rise.  It would be ok.  Finally, my husband and I contacted a Peri at a different hospital.  She got us in immediately and admitted us that day. It wasn't good.  I wasn't good.  She hoped that bed rest and higher doses of the meds would slow this down long enough to give our little man a chance.  It didn't.

At 22 weeks pregnant, I had to be induced to deliver a son that I knew would live only moments.  It was the most horrific moments in my life. My husband was devastated, but could not have been a stronger rock for me.  I got to be medicated but he had to go through this entire experience raw.  Our son did live... only moments.  He was beautiful.  He was perfect.  He was just too small.

I went home in a few days only to end up back in the hospital for another week.  I was blessed to never pass over to eclampsia.  My blood pressure was 210/110 when I was readmitted.  I truly thought I was going to die.  This disease is horrible; it has taken too many lives.  With time by body did begin to heal, but it I realized I had lost the innocence of pregnancy.  Never again would I hear the words "We're pregnant" the same.  Be it a stranger, friend or I, there would always be a sense of fear and knowing how much can go wrong.  I miss that innocence.  I am still bitter that I lost that.  I am still angry that our original doctors were not versed on preeclampsia.  They did not prepare me.  They did not diagnose me.  They did not handle the situation correctly.

Happily, my husband and I were able to have a wonderful second pregnancy leading to a beautiful healthy boy.  We were monitored every step of the way and I was on a lot of different medications and it all came together.  We count our blessings every day and thank God!  Our son is our joy; but we will never forget our first son.  He will always be a part of our lives and we will fight all we can to find a cure!