Autumn and Sydney Spear - Written March 6th 2008

Posted On Friday, April 01, 2011  by Autumn

It has been 6 days since we lost our first baby, our daughter Sydney Josephine. I feel like I have been in a time warp and come out somewhere on a March day. Two weeks ago was much like any other few days of my 5th months of pregnancy except that I had noticed my face and hands were much more swollen than usual when I would wake up in the morning. They would usually go down by the end of the day but start again the next. My shoes and boots weren’t fitting as well either. Thursday February 21st I called my mom who is an OB Nurse Practitioner and asked about the signs and she suggested I call my Doctor and get my blood pressure checked. I had looked in the mirror again at that point. I just did not look like me. I was wearing this cute maternity dress I had bought and usually loved wearing, but I looked awful. I figured I was just starting to get that swollen pregnancy look but called the Dr anyhow. They checked my blood pressure and weight. I had gained 6 pounds since my visit there just 6 days prior and my ankles and legs were clearly very swollen at this point. When my urine showed protein they took me over to the hospital to be admitted. I started having a hard time seeing an even though I was worried I could not have ever imagine that anything was this seriously wrong. My husband came and my mom flew back from a trip in Arizona at the news that I would be kept over night. That evening the Dr came in and said that this looked like a condition called Preeclampsia and that though there could be several outcomes, I would be in the hospital until I delivered our baby girl. I was 20 weeks. As the next 2 days of test went on, I was hooked to IVs to keep my blood pressure low enough to keep me safe and keep Sydney safe inside me. We had hopes of this being an auto immune disorder that would send me home with a baby still inside and medication to get me to 40 weeks (though had that been the case, such a disease would have taken my life in my 40's leaving this baby and any other children without a mother). As the day past again I was transferred to the perinatal medicine group at another hospital for more specialized care. This started with an amnio. She looked great, but she was small. She had gone from normal measurements the week before to being in the 2 percentile for week 21. This was the last time I got to see her moving in me. She was still playing with her hands and feet and I was really starting to feel her move inside me. The Drs had determined that there were two options. Try to keep me stable until 24 weeks when she could be delivered and have a chance to survive. With a normal growing baby that chance would be 50% survival with 60% chance of complications like Cerebral Palsy or other severe issues. With a growth restricted baby like Sydney there was only a 20% chance of survival and an 80% chance she would have severe issues. This still meant if I got to 24 weeks (3 weeks away) and did not start losing my own health. We didn't even have the choice. My own health faded more quickly and not separating the two of us would mean risk to my own life. We made the decision to induce labor and give birth to Sydney at 22 weeks, knowing she would not be able to survive. The day I gave birth to her was a strange day emotionally. Even though I knew that I didn't get to keep her I almost felt a bit excited still to know that she was coming. I suppose the same feeling any mom feels the day they go into labor. I still felt that. I still felt excited to see her. When my water finally broke I felt terrified by the sheer feeling of it but then mostly scared because this would be it. I would delIver her and then this was over. I wanted the pain to be over. I wanted to keep my life, but I so badly did not want my pregnancy to be over or the life of my daughter. She was born at 12:04am on February 28th. She was actually much bigger than I had thought she was when I had felt her inside me and was surprised at how big she was. She looked much like a baby would just very very small. She had her dad's nose and cheek bones and my mouth. She had her grandma's and my feet and hands. She was so pretty and I wanted nothing more than to find a way to keep her. We held her and blessed her. The next morning we got to hold her again and the hospital had put her in a dress and hat. We got to hold her and say goodbye one more time. We had her ashes given to us the next day and I was released from the hospital. My own health back and the disease going away now that I had been separated from Sydney, but I wished for anything other than being separated from Sydney. I wish it was week 23 like it was supposed to be now. I wish we were registering for her furniture and planning her shower still and putting the final touches on her room. We spread her ashes in Cannon Beach and said goodbye. The only thing that helps me to think about moving forward is another baby. To be pregnant again. To have life in me again. To be filled with that joy again. If we can have another girl we will give her a middle name of Sydney. I love her dad a million times more than I did 2 weeks ago and for that I am grateful. I can only pray that Sydney gave us that love and will give that to her future brothers or sisters because we will both love them so so much.