I just don't know

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Re : I just don't know

Post by annegarrett » Wed Aug 04, 2004 07:51 am

Anika,

I struggle every day with the waves of grief. Sometimes I think I am just fine, other times, I wonder how I will continue--the only thing I can say--is a quote that helps me: It says, "When you're going through *...KEEP GOING." I just put one foot in front of the other, make myself get up, go through life in a fog sometimes and it has gotten (mostly) easier--though with me (my mom's death) this week is hard--their 46th anniversary is the 9th--my mom was my best friend--so she was the one who I would call and vent with and she would repeat my stories and my brothers would roll their eyes...cause they (like your DH) didn't get it. I got a sniffler email the other day from a cousin and forwarded it onto friends. My brother wrote back "Yuck". Nice. If I had sent it to Mom she would have quoted it too much and we would have smiled and cried a little and shared that special thing that we were lucky enough to share. She was more to me than any man I was involved with, equal to my children in importance, an enormous figure in my life--and it is as though half of my self has been ripped away and left raw and exposed. Breathing on me hurts. Saying the wrong thing just wipes me out. But I have to confess--that last November--I was so relieved that the hospice nurses took all my mom's medications--because I know that I would have been tempted--no, I know I was--to just quit. And I know now I am better because that thought just shocks me now to even give voice to it. THis forum is here for this kind of pain. Writing, crying, making a memorial...DO what you have to do--just keep going. Please--because your being here every day--gives someone else the courage to keep going too. Trust me--I know, because you all gave me the courage to keep going. Hang in there.



Anne Garrett
Executive Director
Preeclampsia Foundation

Re : I just don't know

Post by amillhouse » Wed Aug 04, 2004 05:20 am

Also being at the hospital today to get x-rays re-opened some old wounds. It's where I used to go to get the dopplers while in hospital. Anyway, the technician says to me, "I am so sorry for your loss." I said thanks but I thought, how does she know, is there something on my file, a master list? I just feel so exposed all the time. . .

Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]

Re : I just don't know

Post by amillhouse » Wed Aug 04, 2004 05:17 am

Gloria:
I am so with you in all that you have said. I am seriously wrestling with God. I also don't pray many direct prayers anymore because I have seen first-hand how his soveregn will overrides all my petitions. I was in hospital for 4.5 weeks, I had scriptures all over my hospital walls. I prayed unceasingly. Once Isaiah was born, I took the pediatricians daily updates - good and bad - straight to God, and trusted Him for my son's complete healing. I had an extensive prayer chain that looped the Indian, Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. What else could I have done?

I hope that one day I can have a relationship with God that is rooted and grounded in a fuller knowledge and acceptance of who He is and His true character.

Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]

Re : I just don't know

Post by josiah1112 » Wed Aug 04, 2004 05:01 am

I'm so sorry about your ankle and your DH. It must
be VERY hard. Does he go to counseling with you?
Maybe this would help. Hopefully he's open to it.
This is probably his way of coping- as heartless
as it may seem. I know exactly what you
mean when you mention how cruel you feel God has
been to you. I felt so slapped in the face myself.
- My DH and I did things so "right". We were baptized
believers that held on to God's word. We prayed that
our son would impact the world for Jesus, etc.
I will never forget another couple we know. He has
been known to have taken part in illicit activity
in the past; he stopped following the ways of Jesus
and he was living with his girlfriend in a cramped
apartment that was not even theirs. - Their baby
was born fine. Not that I wish harm on any baby, but
this made me feel so horrible- like God was blessing
unrighteous behavior. I have re assessed my relation-
ship with God and I still have a long way to go to be at
peace with him. I don't see the reason behind specific
prayer at the moment. I feel betrayed and I often tell him that he
will do his will anyway...




Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom

Re : I just don't know

Post by amillhouse » Wed Aug 04, 2004 12:17 am

Catherine, thanks for your idea. I hope that you or anyone never see yourself as butting in. I like to think all of us are in this together, those of us with living angels and heavenly ones. Right now, money is a huge issue, still paying docs bills and then some. But I have often thought about what to do with the room and I will add that idea to the list. Unfortunately, Gloria I am not assuming about my DH, I am quoting him, that he has gotten over it, accepted it. I still don't understand what that means. I have a hard time getting over how he handled M-day. He did nothing special though I told him in advance that I wanted to be acknowledged. Today, we argued and he said Mother's Day was about Isaiah. I said, not it was about me. He doesn't get it. That is just an example. It is very hard when you and your DH don't feel the same way about things. I just feel that God has been very cruel to me. I feel so lost and alone - don't get me wrong, I am grateful to you guys. By the way, I spraned my ankle today so I am at home at least until Tuesday. Thanks for the hug Aimee.

Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]

Re : I just don't know

Post by aimeejane » Wed Aug 04, 2004 08:01 am

Anika, I was thinking about you last night, wishing I could just hop on a plane & come give you a hug. I cannot imagine what you're going through right now, and I pray you are able to find some peace. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Aimee
Georgia State Coordinator
Moderator - Pregnant Again

Ds Nicky - 3/24/00 (28 wks - eclampsia)
Ds Kalen - 7/10/03 (36 weeks - preeclampsia)

Re : I just don't know

Post by ann marie » Tue Aug 03, 2004 06:23 am

Anika,

I cannot imagine the pain that you feel. It sounds like you are doing everything you can...counseling, journaling, etc. Sometimes I think people say stupid things because they want to say something, they want to help, but things just don't come out right. Then there are those that are just stupid I'm sure. I wish I could do something to ease your pain. Just know that I will be praying for you. We're all here for you whenever you need us. Hugs,

Ann Marie (29)Moderator for "Ask the Experienced"
DH: Matt (32)
PIH/PE/Low Amniotic Fluid
Luke 3/17/04--37 weeks after 15 weeks of bedrest

Re : I just don't know

Post by josiah1112 » Tue Aug 03, 2004 03:42 am

Anika,

You are useful in more ways than you see...
You contribute greatly to this forum--I have told
you in other ocassions how much your presence helps
and supports us.

I know what you mean about how painful it is to
walk past Isaiah's would be nursery. It's been a
great relief for us not to have to deal with Josiah's
unfinished room. My husband and his best friend
had started working on it on the weekends. We had
already gone to Babies 'R Us to pick out a
theme and we got to do none of it.[V] We always
kept the door of the room shut. I opted never to
go in there because it was so painful. I remember
when we put our home up for sale and I ended up
telling the guy that this would have been my baby's
room. I almost automatically told him. I guess
it was so surreal back then.

Catherine had an idea about using his room as a
sitting room. This may bring you some comfort.
What may comfort you may not comfort me and vice versa.

Please don't assume that your DH has "gotten over it".
My husband the other day told me that he sometimes
cries when he sees people with their babies. This was
uknown to me.

Take Care of yourself and please tell us how you are
doing. We are here for you!



Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom

Re : I just don't know

Post by catherine » Tue Aug 03, 2004 11:32 am

Anika, your post gave me an idea. I too have the adorable old victorian with redecoration issues. When we bought ours, it had a sweet little boudoir set up for the lady of the house, pretty colours comfy sofa etc. Perhaps Isaiah's nursery needs to become your sitting room, a place for you to go and be with your thoughts, or a book and a cup of tea. A living and useful memorial to him. If the day then comes for another baby... that would be a different room.

Hope you don't mind me butting in, sometimes I can't help myself, but this idea just seems like it might help you bridge the different aspects of your life. I see how you don't want to turn your back on your future in SA, even if it isn't proving to be the one that you anticipated. Maybe there's some comfort to be had within those old walls, they've probably seen sadness as well as joy. If you hate it... feel free to bite my head off... I probably deserved it!

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

Re : I just don't know

Post by amillhouse » Tue Aug 03, 2004 11:08 am

Thanks all. Life is just so hard right now.[V] Yes we used to go to both services but now I go to morning only. But I think it is worse. Perhaps I should switch to evening.

Moving is something I have thought about. It is hard when you have been living in another country (South Africa) for three years and are in many ways disconnected from friends and family at home (States) yet at the same time just building trust within relationships here, so it is hard to know where to tunr. DH has "moved on" but he probably was never where I am. Plus my DH is in school and I am the breadwinner. We bought this beautiful old victorian thinking we would start our family here. Now I walk pass Isaiah's room with heavy shoulders. I never even got a chance to decorate it because I was in hospital right at that time. It just stands empty and cold. Thank you for listening. It is so hard not to be hard on myself. I guess I have always been that kind of person. Everything triggers me - especially things at work which is very sensitive because it is the only place that I feel I can make a contibution in my life.

Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]

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