God bless you all, thanks for sharing your stories, courage, faith, and wisdom. I'm so glad I found this site.

Thanks angelKat for this topic - it was so nice reading all of your responses, knowing others in my position so helps. I am definately not the person I was before Faith's death. I hope that I am better, I want to feel her short life had an incredible purpose. I know many people were touched my her and I cling to that for strength.

As time goes on, some days are really hard and some are a little better. Faith's due date and Mother's Day were hard and I know that the Christmas holidays will be very hard. We are going to TTC again in July and I am getting nervous. It is so weird, I have a feeling sort of like you Suzanna, I am praying for a boy. I have a son it seems like I will feel much more at ease with a pregnancy if the baby is a boy. I always wanted a girl, but now I am way to scared. I just pray that I am able to stay calm and take each day as it comes.

I wish you all peace as the anniversaries come and go.

AngelKat and Suzanna - Wishing you wonderful pregnancies and a wonderful baby in your arms.

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH)
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(preemie complications))

gossamer,
What you are feeling is just so normal. It's sad but true. My DH family would like to think Katlyne was never here and that she does not count as in the number of grandchildren they have. Even though they got to hold (Which my family did not due to long travel etc) Just like when we found out we were having a boy, FIL said well I guess Rachel will be the only girl in the family Rachel -niece) I turned around and said NO, Katlyne is STILL apart of this family but I will keep reminding you since you seemed to have forgotten her.

When I went to the Peri office I had so many questions, I wanted and needed so many answers. I sat there for 1 hour and just cried my eyes out speaking to the doctor. It was very helpful for me to get some of the answers I needed. My quest for why and how come will never be answered but I know this preg I am getting the best care that I can. I am being watched over very carefully and I myself I'm taking a VERY active goal in my care. I guess what I am trying to say hang in there it will get better.

Feel free to talk about your beatiful daughter to us, we will ALWAYS listen!!.

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(13)PE 37 wks
Ky (11)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey Looking at Aug
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

Kim, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Birthdays are by far the hardest because they're our babies' own special day. Don't be afraid to go back to once-a-week therapy if you think it will help.

Carol (38)
DH Bill (40)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
The Mightiest Little Angel

Angelkat,
Thank you for your words of comfort. Mary ROse never spent any time in the NICU and my Husband's family is not really ready to deal with her loss yet, even though it was almost 10 months ago. They never talk to me about her or bring her up. I have no communication with my family, so it might just be my husband and I. I have not yet decided what to do.

I am so sad right now.

I have an appointment with an OB-Gyn on the 27th. We are not going to try to conceive again until next spring, but I have about 48 pages of questions to ask him and I want to know what he thinks I should be doing to get ready to get pregnant. It is so different now. With Mary ROse, we just did. Now everything has to be so planned and monitored.
It is just amazing how such a little person, that I never got to meet, has totally and completely changed my life, and so much for the better.

I am at the stage now that every time I see a little baby, I seriously think about stealing them. Of course I never would, but I do play that fantasy in my head. That would be a good way to get into trouble wouldn't it? Guess I have rambled enough for now. Thank you for listening.
Gossamer

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you.
This is the miracle of life. " -Maureen Hawkins
[url=http://f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/zonker29/album?.dir=/Baby+Casteel&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/zonker29/lst%3f.dir=/%26.src=ph%26.done=http%253a//f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/zonker29/vwp%253f.dir=/Baby%252bCasteel%2526.dnm=22%252bweek%252bUltrasound.jpg%2526.src=ph%26.view=t]Mary Rose[/url]

It's so nice to have wonderful women who really understand what we are going thru. I can't thank you enough for posting your thoughts to us. It just another way of helping us deal with it all

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(13)PE 37 wks
Ky (11)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey Looking at Aug
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

Wow, Suzanna, we seem to be on the same page. I was thinking
today that Josiah has been and I suspect will be the most
influential person in my life. I am forever changed. I was
meditating today on how we live in a fallen world and things
like this will happen. Thanks for sharing ladies!

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom

Suz....

Sorry your having a hard time right now just know that Chloe is right with you!...Maybe it was Chloe way of saying Hi to you. I often think about things like that I look for a little sign and really think it's Katlyne just letting me know that she's watching out for me.

I'm sure your mind is in a wind fall with having a another little girl and I'm sure it will be hard when she is born just know that we ALL will be here for you on and off the forum...

Sending you HUGE HUGS....

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(13)PE 37 wks
Ky (11)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey Looking at Aug
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

Kim....

Sometimes it's the little things that set us off into a crying spell or even makes us take 3 steps backwards. The free samples I have just brought to our church and put them all in the nursery. Thinking someone could use them sometime.

Why not have a birthday party William. Bake a cake, put a candle on it and he will know its for him. He'll be there blowing out his candle.

Sending you HUGE HUGS

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(13)PE 37 wks
Ky (11)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey Looking at Aug
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

T~
Thank you for bringing this topic to the forefront. You know it has been a bit of time since Chloe died. She would almost be two and a half now had she been born alive and well. Interestingly, but not surprising I still have a hard time with so much of everything associated with this trauma.

Things that are especially hard for me right now...
Her name has become VERY popular. Being pregnant again I am in the doctor's office and around lots of pregnant women. Today I chatted with a woman who informed me she was pregnant with her fourth... a girl. Stupid me I had to ask if she had a name picked out - it was Chloe. The worst was when I was with my eldest son at an appointment. It was days before the anniversary of Chloe's death this year. A mother and two girls sat across from us - one was named Chloe. It is hard to hear the name being said to other darling girls and know that I will never say it to my own daughter as I brush her hair, whisper it in her ear at bedtime or cheer her at a sports event.

Being pregnant with another girl right now is hard in ways I didn't think would effect me like they have. On one hand I am so anxious and elated that I will have two boys and a girl with me on earth... the other hand I AM TERRIFIED! I dodn't feel this way with Sam. He was a boy.. I already have a living boy.. it was OK. This is a whole different ballgame. I have even had feelings like none of this is real and that she will not live either. I am scared.

I know in my heart God has a big plan for me and my family. I know that Laura is part of that plan for me here on earth. I truly feel that she is. But I feel saddness. I feel happiness. I feel anxious and I feel confident. Boy o boy - how can I feel so much? I think because sweet precious Chloe came into my life and changed it forever. She made me more sensitive, loving, sometimes vulnerable and confident rolled into one.

So how am I really doing? I am living my life as a changed soul. Yes, time has passed and the face of my grief has changed many times. I know it will continue to change my entire life. I would never take back the time I was able to hug her within my womb and see her in my arms.

I am so very grateful for being able to open up here and express how I am feeling. It is healing for me to know people care.

Hugs & love to you all -
Suzanna

DS 3/25/95
DD 10/26/01 stillbirth
DS 12/30/02
AND ~ It's a GIRL! Laura Elise edd 8/6/04