In general, I can say I am not the happy person I once was. I take very little for granted. I give my all in each and every day - whether it is in passionate work or passionate mourning - very little is inbetween. I don't fake anything anymore - I wear my emotions more openly. I used to protect them and in many ways I think this is a change for the better. My close and intimate relationship with God has changed immensely - I am learning all over again who He is and what His sovereignty actually means. Some might question my faith now, but that is okay. I know that, like Jacob, I am wrestling with God, and until He gives me a greater understanding of what I have gone through or allows me to peacefully resign to what has happen, I will continue to wrestle.

I wonder if I will ever be the woman I was. I hope that one day I can take the best of who I was and the best of who I have become to just be a better Anika. . .


Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]

Thank you so much ladies, for sharing your hearts and thoughts!
You are truly the best. You have all shared different points
that I have pondered about and I am also changed in many of these
areas. Jill- I've also looked into volunteer work and have decided
that I want to do it with homeless children. I've also always had
the "adoptive gene" and had always planned for my second child to
be adopted. My husband had not been too behind this prior to us
losing Josiah, but now he understands that this will be Josiah's
"gift" to another child. We want to adopt a little boy and name
him Michael Josiah.

Spiritually, is the area that I would say, I've had to reassess
the most. I hate it when people use religious cliches so loosely,
like- "have faith" , well having faith doesn't necessarily mean
that we will get the outcome that we are hoping for - but that
we will trust God with whatever the outcome, knowing that death
was never part of his initial plan for us. Well, I can go on and on
about so much...
I wish all of us that post in this section many, many, blessings.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom

I do not think I can elaborate on this at this point but I feel that when you lose a child you are forever changed in many, many ways.

Suzanna

DS 3/25/95
DD 10/26/01 stillbirth
DS 12/30/02
AND ~ It's a GIRL! Laura Elise edd 8/6/04

I think I have changed in several different ways -- possibly sounding selfish or a little different from what others have said. Also, the way that I have described my feelings may be a bit awkward, sometimes the right words, phrases, sentences never seem to come.

I used to work at one of the three biggest law firms in Indiana and I realized that family did not seem important to the other attorneys, or not to the extent that it was to me even then; after losing Allison, I realized that I could never, ever be in that world again -- family is everything in this world. I have greater understanding and sympathy for people who lose someone so incredibly dear to them. However, I am even more upset at people who mistreat/disrespect family (there are a few people like that in my extended family -- needless to say my feelings about them and how they treat my grandmother have only intensified).

After losing Allison, I reflected on my life and made some changes -- I went back to doing things that I enjoyed because I realized that I had been trying to keep everyone else happy. I needed to do what I wanted and not what everyone else expected. I left the Catholic Church and am now attending the church where my husband went when he grew up and where my in-laws currently attend. I guess losing Allison made me feel the pain and anger of the sex abuse victims even more -- I guess you could say since I see children as gifts and blessings even more so that I did before, whenever anyone systematically mistreats and enables mistreatment of children, I feel that they should pay dearly and that I can not support such people.

My fears have intensified. I fear losing the child that I am now carrying, sometimes to the extent of being overwhelmed. Some worries have intensified (mostly associated with this pregnany) while others have abated.

I guess the best way to describe how I changed is my feelings for family have greatly intensified, feelings for others and their pain have intensified, feeling the need to return to myself, and the intensity of fears have increased. I hope that these changes make me a better person in some shape, way, or form -- I think that is what Allison would want.



Kim
Mother to
Allison Jean (born 5/23/2003), our beautiful angel who showed a spirit and strength that belied her small size and short time on earth
New Little One -- due January 3, 2005 but will be here in 2004 -- keep thinking of us

I feel like I am not as carefree as I was before. I hate how I envy women who have a normal preg and wish I could have had that also. Before, when I was preg I would complain about how horrible it was being preg(the weight gain, naseua, hair and skin not acting the same, ect), and now I see how shallow I was. Next time, I could care less. I just want a healthy baby to bring home. I look at babies now as a miracle, before I just never really thought about it. When I see people going through hard times(especially a death), my heart really goes out to them, and I feel true saddness. Where as before, I hated what was happening but could not relate. I feel like this whole experiance has aged me, I feel my age. I know that I am still young, but before I truley felt like I was a teenager. I see now what is truley important in life. And I feel like that is your family and children. And I hate feeling like I might never have any of my own. But I also know as time passes, I will always remember, but it will not hurt so bad. Sorry, I geuss I just had to vent. This is a great topic. Thanks Gloria.

april(24)
dh-billy(29)
dd-Natalie 3/10/04(pasted away after 1 hr.) induced labor at 23wks and 5 days due to severe PE/HELLP

I have changed in many ways... hopefully most for the good...

I am much more appreciative of what I have and what I can do. I understand that I'm not entitled to anything. I realize how lucky I am to be married to my husband. I am fiercely protective of those I love. My faith is much stronger although my fear of loss is intense.

I don't have much patience for petty issues, especially when people act as though their world is ending over something minor... I'm not so good at small talk anymore. I don't feel any sympathy for women who complain about their children, my blood boils when a friend tells me how upset they were that they were up all night with their sick child and then, to be grateful I still get an 8 hour night...



Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator

I agree - I have definately changed. I feel I am much more compassionate to the needs of others and begun doing charity work. I definately have a different look at the world and my life here, my priorities are much more focused on what is really important. Also have bad changes too though, most of the time have no time for people's petty problems, especially women with kids. Also can't deal with a lot of people, especially pregnant women or newborn, it takes all my strength to get through those parties, etc. Also I am a sadder person that I once was, I envy my past where everything was wonderful and sad I didn't appreciate it more. Hoping in a year or so that the bad things will begin to fade, but the good stay with me.

Thanks for this topic.



Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH)
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(preemie complications))

Great Thread....

There is so many ways I have been changed.... I would love to smack the "stuipd" women who say mean things about their children or complain how they cry so much....

My shoulders have grown bigger

My life will never be the same without Katlyne. Even though she never came home she is such a part of this house.



Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(13)PE 37 wks
Ky (11)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey Looking at Aug
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

I am much more sensitive to peoples' problems and apparent bad attitudes. When I encounter an unpleasant person, I no longer automatically assume that they are a(n) *?!$*. I give them the benefit of the doubt because I have no idea what personal hardships they are dealing with in their lives.

lgw
pe & hellp-22wks
11.18.03

I have changed a lot since losing my baby. Sometimes I
catch myself thinking things or saying things that surprise
me...How have you changed since losing your baby?

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom