6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

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Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Post by riehlism » Wed Aug 04, 2010 04:08 pm

You really get to see who your true friends are. It's surprising to see who end up being there in the end and disheartening and disappointing to find out those who could care less.

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Post by miamibunnie » Sun Aug 01, 2010 00:30 am

Jasmin i know what your going through. My baby passed away in April 18th and what makes it worse is that my own I thought was my best friend had the odasity to tell me she went dancing. She only visited me once. I tell you after I was discharged she tells me she is planning to have another child. She has no feelings at all. I tell u what my relationship with her has truly changed, and she has noticed it. It took me 2 months to talk to her.

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Post by riehlism » Sun Aug 01, 2010 00:11 am

What would have been more comforting for me was for people to tell me that they have absolutely no clue about where I'm coming from: the emotional and physical pain. Perhaps they could even say is all they have to offer is an ear. Attempting to understand, or standing aloof of the situation until I'm "back to normal," or assuming there is a timeline in the grieving process with a definitive endpoint is insulting and insensitive.

Most people are amateurs in dealing with a profound loss. It forces us to explore feelings that we really would rather not experience...and I do believe that is applicable to our friends and families as well. It really highlights those people who are good communicators and good about acknowledging uncomfortable feelings and are able to face them. Unfortunately, it also seems to highlight those whose only mechanism is to sweep it under the rug and hope it goes away.

There has to be a high school or college requirement for at least one semester of various types of communication techniques. Now I'm just rambling. Sorry. But seriously, sometimes common sense goes a long way.

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Post by caryn » Sat Jul 31, 2010 10:21 pm

Grief is shockingly non-negotiable. And some people just don't get that.

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Post by uncskristy » Fri Jul 30, 2010 03:14 pm

Some people definitely say the wrong thing. Someone told me the other day that everything happens for a reason. I wanted to scream what the heck could be a good enough reason for taking my son away from me. But I was nice and just said nothing to that comment. I wish people would be honest and just say I can not imagine what you are going through and I don't know what to say. I do have friends that have not really spoken to my husband or I since Cooper's death. And my husband has family members that have not even acknowledged that we lost our son.

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Post by trish9 » Thu Jul 29, 2010 09:01 pm

Jasmine, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I too have been surrounded by pregnant women. Four of my co-workers recently had babies. One had hers a day before what should have been my son's due date. One of the others had her baby 5 weeks ago and a friend of hers was bringing around birth announcements at work today. She actually came into my cubicle and put the picture in front of me and said "just look at how adorable this is! Isn't it precious!" She then proceeded to point out the unusual spelling of his name, blah blah blah. I was barely able to squeak out a reply. Some people are just really clueless....Glad we can find women here who understand

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Post by wrennie » Wed Jul 28, 2010 10:45 pm

I definitely think this is something we all have experienced after a loss. You really start to know your true friends, the ones that open their door and just listen whenever and where ever. I saw a therapist, i really recommend one, but you have to search for a good one and one that has helped other women with loss. She helped me prepare for so many circumstances before they ever happened. When I was freaking about going to a party where I would meet a baby the age that my daughter would have been, she helped me. We visualized it, went through the emotion of it, and when the moment came it was not a shock to me and I was able to surprise myself with my courage and compassion. It takes alot of work and for me, it almost felt like I was the only one working. I had to learn how to live in my new world, so I COULD relate again and become a person that people didnt avoid anymore (not that I think we really are people to avoid, but I think we definitely feel that way). Through the process, i really did gain compassion for others, for their inability to relate to me, for their inability to support me. FOr me I found it was ok, I knew my true friends.

family was always another story. I had the full spectrum, my brother wrote and recorded a song for Elodie. Its amazing. My mother saw me four days after my loss and told me to stop crying! Seriously!? I had to learn that I was her baby and she was focused on fixing me, even though that isnt what i needed.

All and all, i think grief stuns everyone. And, it depends on the person as to how they will deal or help others deal. You have to focus on yourself, and your husband. Thats most important. To navigate thru your grief on your own terms in your own time is what it takes. People will either get this or not. Slowly, i think most people will learn when you need them, you will come calling.

anyhow im just rambling...but i hope there is some help in here. You are smart to come here, this board is therapy too. it does help to know you are not alone. Please email me if you ever have questions or need support!

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Post by jenmatt1 » Wed Jul 28, 2010 06:41 am

I have never lost a child that was born alive, but I have had multiple miscarriages, including one at 16 weeks, so while I can't imagine the loss of the child born alive, I do understand your grief. I was told it was only a miscarriage- I could try again or I had my beautiful daughter to be grateful for. No one understood that I had watched that baby for 16 weeks grow and saw her and its HB on the monitor. Add that to the feelings I had from going through HELLP with my daughter and I was simply overwhelmed.

Most people tried hard, but some were just insensitive. Even those that tried never really understood how I was feeling. Even now, I am 16 weeks pregnant again and my sister in law's due date is 2 days before mine. I thought about what if I have a miscarriage, what if I get HELLP again, what if something happens to me or the baby...how will I feel. Even though I am pregnant, I still had to ask her to respect my space because I cannot compare notes with her- while the chances are against me for getting this awful disease again.

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Post by annes » Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:51 am

It is very hard to be around pregnant people and people with little babies, when you have just experienced a loss. It took a long time for me to be comfortable. My dh became my savior in that he actually said to people who intimated that it was time to be done being sad and move on, "our son died. imagine if one of your kids died, how quickly do you think you would get over it."that usually did the trick. We found that because Griffin was only 25 weeks and only lived 4 days, that people thought we should get over it faster, like he was less of a person because he was a baby. Most people were really great with us, and continue to be, though. You are not alone, we are all here to support you. take care of yourself.

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Post by kerisue » Mon Jul 26, 2010 02:40 am

Jules I know what you mean about people thinking you should be "ok" by now. My loss is very recent and people are telling me the pain will lessen with time and I will be able to move on. When they say that I think, but my daughter will still be gone 6 mos. from now, a year from now, 5 years from now, how will that ever be okay? I don't know if I'll be able to have another child, but even if I can, I imagine I will still miss Millie just as much. I'll still miss seeing who she turned out to be.