5 months 2 weeks later and...

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Re: 5 months 2 weeks later and...

Post by holly3372@msn.com » Sat Mar 26, 2011 03:52 pm

Oh I know what you mean . I share those exact feelings about if we did have other children,how would I be?? I too have interviewed so many MFM's,Ob's and Hematologists....Ugh so exausting. I have been told so many different things now so it's all very confusing. Some say lovenox,some lovenox and low dose aspirin some say either way lovenox will not stop preeclampsia! Yikes lots to think about. Mostly though I just long for my beautiful baby boy. I know I cannot replace him,but it's him I want so badly. We lost him in august,it's over 7 months now. Some days go by so fast too fast,and some drag on. I hear that having another baby helps with the healing,I don't know. I don't know if I will be lucky enough to even get pregnant again and then stay pregnant. I just turned 39 and Max turned 40 xmas eve. I so want to be positive,I am just scared and heartbroken mostly.You are not alone my friend.

Re: 5 months 2 weeks later and...

Post by cmccaffrey » Sat Mar 26, 2011 03:41 pm

holly3372@msn.com, we don't have any other children either and I often can't decide wether that is better or worse. If we had other children, I am afraid I would not be giving the attention they deserve during this time because I would be so focused on Mason or I might be not focusing on Mason and putting my emotional feelings on a back-burner and they would eventually come back to haunt me. But then there is also the unknown... It's so hard not knowing whether or not we will ever have children...That is a haunting in and of itself. It will be a huge leap of faith if I were to get pregnant again. Part of me wants it so desperately, another part of me feels bad for trying to "replace" Mason and then another part of me is just too scared to move. I guess that's why I have been interviewing a bunch of MFMs. I want understanding more about me and possibilities before its too late and I am pregnant again and in the same situation as before.

Wow....April 28th is coming up so soon. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Re: 5 months 2 weeks later and...

Post by holly3372@msn.com » Sat Mar 26, 2011 03:12 pm

I am so sorry.I know just what you mean too. I have had so many episodes like that with people I haven't seen since Benjamin passed. Sometimes I can calmly explain his story,almost like I am on automatic pilot and then sometimes I just start to cry when explaining. It has been 7 months now,his 1st birthday would have been April 28th . It is just devastating and Im sorry you ladies are going through this too. We have no other children so of course the thought of trying again lingers mixed with hope and fear.

Re: 5 months 2 weeks later and...

Post by cmccaffrey » Sat Mar 26, 2011 03:08 pm

Yes, doing taxes sucked! I actually was never able to get a social security number for Mason because the hospital never put in the for paperwork so I was left having to do some crazy round about method which left me getting a note from the IRS saying we don't qualify for a dependent, even though I also submitted a copy of his birth and death certificate with our taxes. So I called the IRS and they told me to resend it because whoever checked it over at the IRS did it wrong(thankfully). It's just so sad that we cannot get around these annoying triggers. Not that I am not already sad and constantly thinking about him, but I just don't want to be on the floor crying constantly because of all the stress from the reminders. I don't know if that even makes sense.

Re: 5 months 2 weeks later and...

Post by kerisue » Sat Mar 26, 2011 12:38 am

It is sad and heart-breaking and so hard. Little things remind me of Millie all the time. When I was doing my taxes with the H&R Block software at home I entered in her date of birth and SS# and the very next screen said, "Congratulations on the birth of your baby!" There wasn't any where to input the tragedy and the pain, the software just assumed my baby was alive and well. I'm sure next year will be worse because it will automatically import her as a dependent and I'll have to delete her. :cry:

5 months 2 weeks later and...

Post by cmccaffrey » Fri Mar 25, 2011 04:11 pm

people still ask about the baby. I can't escape it. I don't really want to, but there are so many constant reminders that we have lost our son. For example, today I was out jogging and the neighborhood gardener flagged me over. He then proceeded to ask me about where my baby was. He said, "I remember you were VERY pregnant, but I never see you with your baby". I kind of just broke down in tears and explained a very shortened version of everything to him. I know he wasn't trying to upset me or be mean or anything like that, but it just breaks my heart. Turns out his daughter-in-law just lost her 25 weeker to incompetent cervix, so he was very sympathetic, but it still just makes me so upset that Mason was already such a big part of my life and now he's gone. People knew he was coming and now he's come and gone. It's just sad.