4 weeks since I lost my daughter

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Re: 4 weeks since I lost my daughter

Post by jennibug » Fri May 13, 2011 02:04 am

I am sooooooo sorry for you. Your story really put things in perspective for me. And I know you feel the need to blame yourself, but really it's not your fault. I'm super skinny, in great shape, and my blood pressure is not high (at the moment) and have had a horrible time with PE. Here's to healing.

Re: 4 weeks since I lost my daughter

Post by m » Thu May 12, 2011 11:18 am

It's hard to believe how the time passes. As miserable as it is, I feel that crying is a good thing. Give yourself time and you will start to feel better.

Re: 4 weeks since I lost my daughter

Post by flori » Wed May 11, 2011 11:19 am

I can't believe I started this thread 4 weeks ago. Today marks 8 weeks since I lost my sweet baby.

I have been crying a lot lately. It started late last week and carried into Mother's Day until now. It feels good to release the tension, but I hate reliving all of the hurt. Today dh and I laid in bed and cuddled at 6pm, which is when we asked the doctors and nurses to take the monitors off of her so we could hold her while she died. I cried into his shoulder while I remembered holding her for the first and last time.

I should be 33 weeks pregnant, not a mourning, childless mother. It's so hard to look to the future when I can barely make it through the day sometimes.

Re: 4 weeks since I lost my daughter

Post by m » Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:50 am

I think you will find that you will experience lots of ups and downs for a while. It is common to grieve in cycles. I would feel better for days and then find myself feeling just horrible again. Eventually the good days began to outnumber the bad ones. Just be patient with yourself. Four weeks isn't a very long time to work through all of your emotions. It will get better, but it does take time. Know that you are not alone and that what you are going through is common.

Re: 4 weeks since I lost my daughter

Post by flori » Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:22 am

Hi everyone. So I've noticed the last few days that I wasn't feeling as sad. I still think of Gracie often, but I didn't cry. When she first died, I'd cry when a baby commercial came on the television and every single time I thought of her. I thought I was getting better.

Yesterday we finally got the call that her remains were ready to be picked up from the funeral home. It had been over 4 weeks! I thought that having her back with us would bring everything full circle for me, like it was the end of this chapter. However, when I held her urn against my chest I lost it. I started crying as deeply as I did the first days after she died. I realized that I was just bottling everything up inside and distracting myself so I wouldn't feel any hurt and pain. I am miserable.

Her urn is in our bedroom, where we can see her everyday. Now that she's home I am reliving everything about her birth and passing and racking myself with guilt. I keep imagining all of the things that could have been done differently and I get so angry. I feel like I have taken 5 steps backwards.

Re: 4 weeks since I lost my daughter

Post by frogibe » Thu Apr 14, 2011 02:58 am

I'm so sorry to hear this.I feel like I am reliving my story with my daughter. I too worked hard to have her, took clomid with PCOS got pregnant after two rounds and developed severe pre-e at 27 weeks and had her at 28 weeks due to HELLP. I am now chronic hypertensive as well. What ever you do please be gentle with yourself and your hubby. Take time to spend with eachother and always talk about what you feel. The women on these forums are amazing and are so strong and you are now one of them too! If you ever need to talk I am always willing to listen. Remember it is ok to feel what ever you may be feeling, no matter what anyone tells you. Stay strong and tak about your daughter all of the time! I'm sure she was the most beautiful thing you have ever and will ever see! Cherish the time you had with her;))

Re: 4 weeks since I lost my daughter

Post by ozkate » Wed Apr 13, 2011 09:03 am

Flori I am so sorry for your loss. I am in tears all the way over here in Australia.

You are doing absolutely the right thing reaching out to people who have been there. It all helps.

You have a long road ahead of you and I hope you are surrounded by good people. Do not be afraid to let out your feelings.

Losing a baby to preeclampsia is a horror I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but it showed me what amazing, caring and compassionate people there are in this world.

One day you will be happy again. I wish you all the luck and support and love in the world.

Re: 4 weeks since I lost my daughter

Post by flori » Wed Apr 13, 2011 01:23 am

All of you have been so supportive. Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I feel like I know everyone here personally. I found the site after I got home from the hospital and have been lurking and reading everyone's posts and blogs since then. I recognize your avatars and know your signatures. It breaks my heart to be here, but I'm glad that I found a place where everyone can understand what I'm feeling and will not judge me.

Today marks four weeks since Gracie was born and it was a rough day. I woke up early this morning and cried for about an hour before finally getting out of bed. The blame game started again and I spent the rest of the morning mad at myself. The rest of the day was okay, dh and I went to lunch and talked about everything that's happened. He's finally beginning to open up more, which I'm happy about. He's been so reserved that I worried he'd bottle everything up forever. I still haven't been to an in-person grief session or seen a counselor (I'd like to eventually but keep missing the days- once a month every second Monday is hard to catch) but I have been to a few online chat sessions for grieving parents. It's ironic that when things started going downhill with Gracie, I was intensely private. I didn't want to share anything that was happening. I wish I knew then how much opening up about everything would help. Now I talk about it and her all of the time. I called an OB nurse two days ago because I had a question about my bp and we ended up talking for almost half an hour. I can't shut up now.

I know it is still very early in our grieving, but dh and I do want to try again for #2. Of course there will be no trying for a long time, for mental and physical healing. For some reason sometimes I am absolutely convinced that this can't happen twice. Then other times I am terrified of going through it again and want to give up.

Re: 4 weeks since I lost my daughter

Post by Jackie R » Tue Apr 12, 2011 09:53 am

Flori,

My heart goes out to you and your beautiful daughter Gracie. I myself am also dealing with the loss of our first child, our beautiful daughter Mia and am stuck in self-blame and the hospital and my doctor (long story-posted under "devastated and heartbroken"). I am going to therapy for this and hope to be better one day. But please know that nothing is your fault. Unfortunately tragedies happen to wonderful people and I am still trying to figure this out. All I can say is that you will always be Gracie's mommy and she will always be with you in spirit....she is a beautiful angel who just wants her mommy and daddy to be happy. It may be hard at the moment but please be kind to yourself because this is what Gracie would want. We had our babies out of our pure love and happiness and in order to keep their spirits alive and close to us this is how we must struggle to live. Many women on this site I truly admire their strength and kind words...they have helped me a lot and I wish this board will help you too.


xoxo

Re: 4 weeks since I lost my daughter

Post by wrennie » Tue Apr 12, 2011 09:44 am

Flori, i am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Your story is a sad one that many of us can relate to (very unfortunately). Its great that you are seeking support, you will need it and it will help you to lean on others as much as possible. I hope that this board can help you as much as it helped me when I lost my first baby girl. The journey is long, exhausting, and makes you dig very, very deep. But, I am here to say, if you work at it, you will find yourself in a place where you can hope again and even smile. I always say my first daughter, Elodie, is my biggest gift. She taught me so much more than I ever even could have hoped for. She taught me to be a mom and opened my eyes to the amazing bond of mother and child. She brought me and my husband closer than we ever were. And, she brought us Aylah, our second daughter, our blessing. I honestly believe everything happens for a reason, we may never know why, but it helps to continue on and fight for our dreams. By doing this, we can find that life can be fulfilling and happy again, but in a different way than we had planned.

I guess i am rambling, but keep your chin up and take it easy on yourself. You will always be a mother and in the future you will be again.

wishing you peace.

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