Hi Nikki,

I am very sorry for your loss. June 3rd is a very special day for me. As you can see by my signature, my son was born and passed on June 3, 2010. June 3rd would have been his first birthday. It's a loss that can't be described, only experienced. I went through the normal stage of avoiding babies, pregnant bellies, and friends who were so uncomfortable they'd rather just forget the whole thing ever happened.

It was, and continues to be, a difficult grief process. People who are so close to us somehow fail us when we need them. They try their best to perk you up by saying: He's in a better place. Or the infamous: You'll have another one. It just makes us feel like our babies weren't enough to be recognized as a real child.

I was stubborn in the beginning and didn't want to see a grief counselor. I thought I could use this forum to speak with ladies to discuss my grief. Part of me didn't want to hear anything from someone who probably has no clue what happened to me. After a few weeks, maybe even a month and a half, my husband said we both had to see someone. So I saw a grief counselor with my husband (and sometimes individually), to help me organize my thoughts, feelings, and how to prepare to awkward situations.

I also saw an MFM, and my OB talked me through what happened. I also did my own research and asked a lot of questions on this site. I am very thankful for everyone here. It has been a source of strength, wealth of information, and camaraderie to be cherished.

I wish you luck during your grieving process. And I hope you will find this site inspirational, supportive, and empowering. Welcome to the boards.

Nikki - I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet Aiden. Reading your story and what you have experienced is beyond heart breaking. While I am sorry that you found the website under sad circumstances, I am glad you posted here. I found the site shortly after losing my son at 20 weeks. The wonderful ladies here helped me sort out a lot of feelings and find ways to cope with new and uncomfortable situations. More than anything, I found a place where others understood what I had been through. While none of us can take away the pain of loss, just know that we are here to listen and offer support.

I wish you peace and healing.

Nikki- I am very sorry for your loss. After losing Cooper, I can not imagine anything being more painful than losing a child.

I am glad that you have an appt to talk with your MFM. About a month after losing we met with one of our MFMs responsible for my care during our hospital stay and I remember leaving that appointment in so much more peace than what I entered. The Natural course of the conversasion did turn into what were to happen if we tried again so don't be surprised if you find yourself asking that question. We also met with him when we got to that point where we were ready to try again.

My husband and I have come to realize that we are different people after losing Cooper. Sadly we had gotten to a point where we did not appreciate things as much as we should. But we now take the time to enjoy life. I figured Cooper lost his life so mine was saved so I owe it to him to smile through the tears and pain and live it to the fullest.

Hello Nikki,

I just read your story and wanted to let you know how very sorry I am for your loss. Event though I can't offer much, I hope I can somehow help with a few words of mine.
Losing a baby under such circumstances is the most heartbreaking situation one can endure. It shapes you as a person, it leaves you empty handed, heartbroken,sometimes lonely, aching, and traumatized; but over time it can give you a new look at life and a sense for everything precious and deeper look into people's souls. This may not sound like anything that is worthwhile to you right now and I wish I could tell you otherwise. But it helped me to go on with life, perhaps it might help you too. Every hour, every moment, every day I am able go on with my life and not being completely lost, and even find some beauty has been worthwhile to me. As much as my baby was a fighter, as much I can fight for my life too, and I decided early on after losing my baby, that my life should be worthwhile. The pain will ease, it will become less acute, but it won't go away. A few have on these boards have referred to it as 'the new me".
My story reads very similar to yours, with a few details that are/were different, but overall it is almost the same. I still cry over my baby in heaven, I still miss him, I still try to find him everywhere (and I do, but in the most unexpected ways). I have made a lot of new friends, and have changed some of my old relationships with friends and family who I could not relate to anymore.
I started counseling very soon after my loss and it has helped me to deal with my situation. I wish you all the strength for you and your husband. Your precious baby Aiden will always be in my thoughts. (sending you hugs).

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and advice! I feel like I know all of you personally from lurking for so long. I want you all to know that I am so sorry for your losses and I wish that none of us had to meet under these circumstances. You are a strong group of women and I know that I'm in good company. It is a strange thing to feel so connected to a group of people that you don't know because you share an awful thing that each other can relate to.

I'm at that point where it is difficult to be around friends who have babies (for obvious reasons) and yet also difficult to be around friends who don't because they have no way to relate at all. Most people still don't know what to say so they either try to avoid it or say the completely wrong things. I have been good about filtering myself because I know that things are said out of concern and love. It is still somewhat shocking that people do not realize there are some things that you do not say to someone who has lost a baby: "You can always have another baby", "Everything happens for a reason"...etc. Luckily, I have my husband, who warns people what not to say to me when they say it to him first (he looks out for my feelings as much as possible). Oh, and I know this might sound bad but if I have one more person tell me about their miscarriage I might scream. I do realize that they are just trying to relate to their own experience and that it is awful..but it is really not the same thing, nor does it make me feel any better. Ok, I think I'm done with that rant for now...

I do have an appointment on 6/21 with the MFM specialist that I saw while I was in the hospital. It is going to be very difficult to go anywhere near that hospital again, let alone on the same floor I stayed on for most of my 2.5 weeks but I know it's something I have to do. The appointment is called a "pre-conception consultation" but I made sure to tell them that we are not trying soon, we just need information for when we do decide to try again. I think that going over what happened to me and discussing future plans will help me find some kind of peace of mind on that end of things. If it turns out that I can't only see that doctor next time and that I'd have to see all 3 in the practice, including "Dr. Doom", I'm going to have to look elsewhere. If any of you have any suggestions of good questions to ask at that visit it would be very appreciated. Thanks so much again.

Hi Nikki. Welcome and I'm sorry that you have to be here. I am so sorry about the loss of your son. There are not many people who can say they understand what you are going through, but many of us here can.

Your post brought me to tears. The NICU team also told my husband and me that Gracie was a fighter, a miracle. I became convinced that she would survive, despite all of the obstacles in her way. I also began making plans to base the rest of my life around NICU visits until we could take her home- I even stepped down from my management position at work the day after she was born because I never anticipated losing her. We lost her only hours later.

It is such a painful and terrible thing to have to go through. I still have anxiety when I think about the events leading up to Gracie's birth. Slowly I am learning to remember the short time she was here and use those happy memories to help me heal. I hope the same for you.

Nikki, I am so sorry for your loss, and I understand how you are feeling. I am glad that you posted your story - it can be very helpful. I know how hard it is to feel so sad all the time, but it will get better.

I am so sorry for the incredible pain you have endured. There is nothing worse then losing your baby. I am glad you posted and hope that this site will bring you comfort and understanding. I too lost my baby boy Benjamin. He was born emergency csection at 26 weeks 1lb 6oz. He was IUGR as well. Ben lived for 4 very scary horrible months in the NICU .It has been 9 and a half months now. It has been a long road for us. This site has been very helpful for my healing. I know you miss Aiden everyday and I understand all the emotions you have described. You are not alone.You will be in my thoughts.

Oh NIkki, your story sounds so very similar to mine, but my son was 30 weeks 3 days when he was born and he died 2.5 days later. So many of us understand your pain and I know that you will find good support from these miraculous ladies. I agree with Kerisue and that you should get a copy of your medical records. I would also go speak to a Maternal Fetal Specialist and see if he/she can run tests to see if you have any underlying disorders. I am so sorry for your aching heart... no one should have to experience such a terrible loss. I am so sorry that today is not the day you get meet your sweet baby, Aiden, for the first time and start a lifetime of memories together. Take very good care of yourself and try and do something special for yourself this weekend. Due dates, monthaversaries, anniversaries and holidays suck... just try to keep your mind on something positive! And remember we're here if you ever need to vent!

Hi Nikki, your story is so very heartbreaking. I'm sorry Aiden didn't make it. Sounds like he fought as hard as he possibly could and you did too. I remember becoming hysterical- literally- when they told me I would have to deliver. Later I wanted to sue them for forcing me to deliver against my will (of course I didn't and don't plan to. I understand with my head that they had to do it). They also asked me if I just wanted to hold my daughter or have them try to resuscitate her. Like you, there was no question. I had to help my baby girl fight to live.
Like Aiden, my baby was also growth restricted and I have struggled with blaming myself and hating my body for not being able to nurture my baby adequately. I have also felt resentment toward others who seemingly have no problem conceiving and carrying baby after baby to term successfully. In addition to counseling, this forum is a good resource. I'm glad you finally found the courage to post. You might also want to get a copy of your medical records- that helped me better understand the doctors' decision making. Again, I'm so so sorry about Aiden. I wish more than anything that you were deliving today and that I had a happy healthy 8 mos. old.