not what I thought

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Re: not what I thought

Post by kbunsey » Sat Jul 30, 2011 09:35 pm

Before, during and after. I wanted to believe it, but hardly did until Kyle arrived safely here. Then once he was here, I was so severely post partum depressed I didn't think I'd survive the rest of my life, let alone ever see the world in color again. And some days - I still don't believe it while I'm brushing aside the hair on my sleeping almost 2 year old, thanking him for coming here to be my baby! ;) I believed it in my heart - which - after a PE loss can be hard to get in touch with b/c the mind and emotions are so confused and scared by the trauma. When I couldn't find my heart, I clung to words of doctors - things like, "the odds are in your favor" and stories of hope on the PE forum. It is hard work. And still is. I didn't just show up here today for no reason - I must need some support of my own. I knew another pregnancy and and another baby wouldn't replace FB - although sometimes I think the rest of the world acts as if it should - but - I too didn't think it would stay as bad - or be as challenging. I remember crying so hard I'd be on the floor, kneeling on all fours - apologizing, questioning, begging for forgiveneness. This one time was after a really great OB apt for Kyle w/ an ultrasound/growth scan and I just kept telling FB, "I'm so sorry you didn't get to grow as big" - that was rough. I just never know what's going to stir up emotions. I can't even plan for it. It was really challenging work being pregnant again after FB. But...I got through it. And when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, freaking about being induced, my OB said, "These are the final days of your pregnancy - enjoy them before they are over" - and it really struck me. Looking back - I did have a GREAT pregnancy! I was lucky or blessed or whatever you want to call it. I was so healthy, I didn't even have any "normal" pregnancy issues like swollen ankles or hemmoroids, let alone PE again. And Kyle's induction went great! Aside from my PTSD and emotions - it really was a wonderful experience. And now, w/ a toddler, being pregnant again - I don't know if it gets easier - b/c I'm still anxious every day that I'm pregnant - but it gets easier to put the fears and emotions on the backshelf and check in with them later. They used to be in my face, constantly demanding my attention. Well, now...

Do your best to get through it. Ask for help when you need it. Give yourself a break. Be gentle with you.

Re: not what I thought

Post by frogibe » Tue Jul 12, 2011 07:37 pm

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I too still feel this way. I don't feel hopeless every day but I have my moments. I guess what gives me hope at this point is that I am a month further along. It is very tough having another baby after a loss but you just need to take it day by day as hard as it is to do. HUGS!

Re: not what I thought

Post by » Tue Jul 12, 2011 05:21 pm

Aw,well I am not pregnant again after the loss of Benjamin,but I would imagine I'd feel the same. After what we went through hard to be any way else for the most part I guess. Hang in there.Like everyone says take it day by day. I do love all the positive take home baby stories I see here after pre-e!!! Sending hugs and love your way xo

Re: not what I thought

Post by uncskristy » Mon Jul 11, 2011 04:01 pm

I agree with M. As this pregnancy has progressed I have become more optimistic especially now getting to the time where I was experiencing PE symptoms with Cooper and knock on wood so far so PE symptoms with Blaine. Day by the day is key.

Re: not what I thought

Post by m » Sun Jul 10, 2011 10:49 am

Yes - I did feel that way. It was so difficult to enjoy my second pregnancy. I had a sense of hope, but at the same time I was terrified that I would lose another baby, and there were days when I was certain I would never bring a baby home. It was such a hard time. I found that as my pregnancy progressed I began to be more confident and optimistic. Just take care of yourself and take it day by day.

not what I thought

Post by cmccaffrey » Sat Jul 09, 2011 10:06 pm

I know I will never stop missing Mason, but some days are so difficult. I didn't think being pregnant would get rid of the difficult days, but I just thought it would be different and possibly better. I think about him and then I think about this pregnancy and I just can't see myself ever being a mother. Do/Did any of you ever feel this sense of hopelessness?