I was fine, but...

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Re : I was fine, but...

Post by kdreher » Wed Mar 03, 2004 05:25 am

Callie's Mom,
I know you posted this a few days ago, but my heart melted for you when I read you last post. Are your feelings normal?? You betcha. I lost my son Tyler to sever Pre-E and HELLP. He was born on March 9th 1995 and passed on March 23rd 1995. I was 25 at the time and it will be 9 years in just a matter of days. Nine years and though the immense pain has subsided, I am just as emotional at this time and different times throughout the year. I have not had any other children or attempted to and I remarried in 2000. My husband has no idea what I or my family went through but he is always there to listen or hold me when I need to cry. He "got it" all along but I didn't let him in for a while. I was the one who cried alone pushing him away dealing with the pain and loss myself. I now can feel comfortable enough to let him in when I need to cry. Please keep in mind that you are #1 to yourself and have to grieve whether you have every one on board or not.
I wish you the very best and my heart goes out to you.

Kris (34)
DH, Tom (33)
Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks pe/HELLP)

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net or kstevens@cga.uscg.mil

Re : I was fine, but...

Post by calliesmom » Fri Feb 27, 2004 05:21 am

Michal,

You're right, I do need to talk to someone.

My mother is no help...she has chronic foot-in-mouth syndrome. She called Wednesday and said, "So this was when the baby was supposed to be born, huh?" and she left it at that. [:(]

I tried talking to my husband. I tried to tell him how hard this week was for me, and I just cried. He hugged me, and then went on about his business. I know he loves me, but I don't think he "gets it", you know?

Thank you for your reply. It helps me to know these feelings are normal.

Callie's Mom

Re : I was fine, but...

Post by michal » Wed Feb 25, 2004 01:23 am

It is so awful that you had to go through all the ethical issues and were treated the way you were . I am also religiously observant ( Jewish ) and I also had many of the same issues to deal with . I remember when I started developing PE at 24 weeks a doctor asked me if I was interested in terminating my pregnancy . This was after all I had struggled in order to get to 24 weeks . I lasted out another 10 days , and by the time my daughter was born I was so severely ill , I nearly died . When I was in the emergency recovery room and I went into renal failure , I kept on thinking what would happen if my daughter Tali never had a mother . I felt so bad that I had tried to have another child , while putting my life on the line . I felt so guilty that I had not taken my daughter Tali into account .
If I remember correctly , you have an older child like me .
I know for me , each day when I am with her , I am thankful that God spared my life so that my daughter can have a mom .

I went to speak to a social worker after I lost Dina . I am still continuing to see her now and it helped me a great deal .
My husband and I were also very close after Dina died , but then he carried one with his life and I was left with my grief . The only place I could go and vent was with the social worker because he had already reached a point where he wanted to put it behind us .
I think men and women are just different and although he came with me once to speak to the social worker , I never dragged him with me again .

Me and my daughter Tali talk about Dina a lot , and that is special .
I think you need to find someone that you feel " safe " with to talk to , and often a professionally trained person is very objective and nonjudgemental , and helps to put things into perspective .

Take Care

Michal
Mom to Tali ( PE and HELLP 32 weeks , 5/3/1998 ) ,my first angel in heaven ( PE and HELLP 20 weeks , 20/2/2002 ) , my seccond angel in heaven , Dina Chaya Hodaya ( PE and HELLP , , 25 weeks , ,29/10/2003-4/11/2003 )

I



Re : I was fine, but...

Post by sharonda » Thu Feb 19, 2004 10:26 am

Talk to your husband.
My husband and I talk all of the time about our daughter. I cannot imagine not being able to talk to him about Amaya. I only went through this a few weeks ago (Jan 25th). At first I concentrated on my health because I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. After being home for a week and feeling "better", I began to notice that everyone on TV was pregnant or just had a baby. Last week's ER drove me insane. One doctor was in the beginning of her pregnancy, one doctor was in the middle of her pregnancy and one just had a baby...all in the same episode. At the end, I felt the tears ready to fall. My husband walked out of the bedroom and asked, "Are you okay? I know ER was tough tonight." He held me in his arms while I cried.

We often forget about our husbands but they lost a child, too. My husband feels safe to grieve with me. We live in a world that does not accept men crying or showing emotion. By sharing this with him, you are helping him, too.

Re : I was fine, but...

Post by calliesmom » Thu Feb 19, 2004 06:37 am

Thanks to all of you for your kind words. It does help to know that these feelings are normal.

I will talk with my husband. However, as I'm sure all of you feel, it is somewhat different for us (women). I remember feeling my daughter's kicks. I also remember being in the hospital during labor, and suddenly NOT feeling them. I knew exactly when she died, and that realization was unbearable. It is hard to explain to my husband. I think that at least I will need some counseling, although I have been putting it off, thinking things would get better.

Once again, I thank you all for your words of consolation. Sometimes, just typing is theraputic for me!

Callie's mom

Re : I was fine, but...

Post by julie f » Wed Feb 18, 2004 05:00 am

Callie's Mom,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little girl. I lost my son in July and my heart breaks for you and all of us here who have to face a parents' worst nightmare. I am also sorry for what you had to go through at the hospital.

My son was due on October 25, 2003. When the calendar hit October 1 - I felt as if I were going to relive the whole experience again. Much like what Kim mentioned - the anticipation of the date was actually much worse than the date itself. For me it was a bit of a turning point, I started to be able to look more towards the future. That is not to say though that there aren't still days of unbearable grief, you just somehow manage to get through them.

Again, echoing what Kim said - grieve as you need to, not as people expect you to. You have probably already found that people have no idea what to do or say, some will say nothing and some will say the worst things possible... Just make sure you take care of you, whatever you have the strength for. And, I know it is hard to talk about it with your husband, even though he lost his child too, your experience was so different. At least in my case that is how I felt. My husband and I were drawn closer than ever as I was admitted and our son was born and died. At Zach's funeral, I never felt closer to my husband, not even on our wedding day. However, as life began to return to "normal," I could feel us drifting away as we both tried to pick up the pieces and carry on. It has been a struggle but, we are working on trying to keep that closeness and hang on to eachother. As hard as it is, you have to try let him in on how you're feeling and how you're doing. Going to a counselor together may be a really good idea to help open up the lines of communication. I just mentioned in another post that I'm looking into doing that right now but, wish I would've done it sooner.

Please take care,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Southern California Coordinator

Re : I was fine, but...

Post by laura » Wed Feb 18, 2004 09:21 am

Calliesmom! I'm so sorry that that hospital's ignorance and arrogance has caused you so much pain! Please know that you bear no blame in the matter. I suggest that you email Anne the name and location of the hospital, with the managing Sister's name to send some literature on preeclampsia. anne@preeclampsia.org

And please don't judge a faith on the limits and faults (ok, downright stupidity) of some of it's members. As a practicing Catholic, I can say that the fault here most likely lies with ignorance rather than any deliberate effort to cause you pain. It sounds to me like they need someone to set them straight!

Laura
Moderator/AK Coordinator

Mom to Alicia (severe PE) 5/98 and Camille (htn, oligo) 4/03
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/c/camilleandallie/

Re : I was fine, but...

Post by taras mom » Wed Feb 18, 2004 04:29 am

I'm so sorry about Callie! I lost my little Tara in December 2002, so I have some idea what you're going through. I wasn't very interested in counseling, but I couldn't have coped without the support of my husband. Please don't try to get through this alone!

(And people still ask why I left the Catholic church.[:(!])

Carol (38)
DH Bill (40)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
The Mightiest Little Angel

Re : I was fine, but...

Post by kimb » Tue Feb 17, 2004 07:09 am

I lost my son in July and truly understand the pain you are going thru. The greif comes and goes in waves. Some days you are fine and others are a struggle to get through. You will be amazed at the things that remind you of what you have lost. I got a speeding ticket on the way to work a few weeks ago and just sobbed and sobbed - I was so angry - I wanted to scream "I'm supposed to be on maternity leave with my little boy and not even driving on this road right now!!!" Then I had a lot of bad days surrounding that I hadn't seen my brother or sister since I lost Will. Last week I took a week of vacation from work and my husband and I drove from Seattle to Minneapolis so that I could see them and be able to clear that dread and part of the greif from my head. (shows you how much I needed it that I decided to go to THAT weather in Feb! )And then I was mad at them because I didn't get what I had played over and over in my mind. I had to force them to talk to me about what happened the day before I left. I know that it was just that they didn't know what to say - but I couldn't let it be like everything was as before. I also met my beautiful nephew that was born 3 weeks to the day before I lost Will. I hadn't been able to buy him Christmas gifts or anything - and I desperately needed to meet him.

The apprehension of Will's due date was much worse for me than the actual day was. I too think of "what would have been" and occassionaly have that guilt. But life and living does get easier. I too went to therapy and have spent a lot of time on these pages. I agree with Gloria that you need to let your loved ones know what you are feeling - I never knew I could use the phrase "I am sad" so many times.

Take good care of yourself and let yourself grieve as you need - not as others expect. They can't truly understand what you are going thru.

Kim 35
William Michael - my angel - pe/HELLP 7/7/03

Re : I was fine, but...

Post by josiah1112 » Tue Feb 17, 2004 01:53 am

Dear Callie's Mom:

I'm SO sorry for what you have gone through...So many of us
have been traumatized in ways that we cannot even begin to realize.
I know that when I was living things out I was hopeful and
numb. When my son passed away, I clung to God's word and
spiritual books. - Anything that would give me comfort and an answer as to WHY? Unfortunately, I will never know why?. I've heard that the intensity of grief comes and goes. - A due date; friends or acquaintances having babies; or so many more things can bring it
on. Please be open. Let your loved one know how you feel. Sometimes
when I just start to feel sad, I find it relieving to tell my
husband that "I miss Josiah".

Going to a therapist once a week; telling friends what I'm going
through (you pick who can handle it based on their reactions) and
posting in this forum has helped a lot. Women who post here really
know what we've been through. If you ever want an ear you can e mail
me. I am also moving. And moving states!

Take Care and All the Best,

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 born @ 26wks Pre e

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