Hi Leanne,

Compassionate friends is for parents who have lost a child
at any stage. Hospitals usually have a perinatal loss support
group for people like us who have lost a baby. My husband
and I participated in one of these after our son died. We
found it extremely helpful. The couples there really "knew"
what we were going through. We bonded incredibly with a lot
of them. I would highly recommend this. It is free.
I never heard of them doing a C-section for a stillbirth.
Even here. Actually, one of the fathers at the bereavement
group had said that he thought they would give his wife a
C-section and was surprised when they proceeded V birth.
I'm so sorry you (and all of us here) have had to go through
this. Our scars are deep. Take Care of yourself and please
check in and let us know how you continue to heal.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e

I have recieved cards from the Baby Bereavement group and another called Compassionate Friends...I had forgotten about them. I might call the Baby Bereavment group...My mum went to Compassionate Friends when my brother died and found that it held her back in her grieving...as in didn't allow her to move on. I might call and see how it goes.

Mum to Angel baby Jonathan Douglas
born still 3rd April 2004 31wks, weighing 880gms

Leanne,

Have you checked with your hospital to see if they have any sort of support group for parents who have lost their babies? Another place to check is with the funeral home, they will often have info on support groups as well. Most support groups do not charge a fee and you may find that they can be of great comfort.

Thinking of you,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Praying for a miracle... TTC #2 is a go!

Southern California Coordinator

Yes that is the reason why they don't do c-sections for stillborn babies here. If my PE was picked up while Jonathan was still living they would have done one though.
I have just been to see my midwife and my BP has dropped to 110/74 so things physically are getting back to normal.
Still feel like crap though.....I'm looking into getting some councilling but it's just so expensive.

Mum to Angel baby Jonathan Douglas
born still 3rd April 2004 31wks, weighing 880gms

Dear Leanne, I'm so sorry for your loss of wee Jonathan.

I can answer the induction v C-section question. Not from personal experience, but from a close friend who had to do through the same process not so long ago. Interesting, and possibly heartening in the years to come if not right now, it was done for your benefit. OBs really don't want to do C-sections, particularly on women who won't be trading the pain and risks of major abdominal surgery and potential future complications in later pregnancies for a healthy baby at delivery. In my friend's case, a stillbirth at 28 weeks after two miscarriages and no living children yet, her OB told her that he really wanted to leave her with an intact uterus so that if she wanted to try again, she would be in the best shape possible.

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

Dear Leanne:

I am so sorry for your loss. But I am glad that you found this place for support. My son lived for 28 days and was born at 28 weeks and 1 one day. My OB said we had to do a c-section because of his size, his laying breech and, most importantly the severe pre-e. I know you are asking about stillbirth and c-sections but I seem to remember that pre-e was an important factor of him being born by c-section. Perhaps if your doctor/midwife had recognised that they would have done c-section? I really don't know. I wist you the best and all comfort in this very difficult time.


Anika (32, severe pre-e)
Mommy's Angel Boy: Isaiah (1/20/04 - 2/17/04)
Born at 28 weeks 1 day gestation weighing 610 grams

Something I don't understand is that some of you have have c-sections for a stillborn child. That is something they just don't do here. I had no choice but to have my baby normally. At first I wanted them to just knock me out and take him out, but then I realised that it makes it more real having to deliver him.
They give you the choice of being induced or letting it happen naturally but because of the PE I was told I needed to be induced.

My midwife wasn't at the birth, it was described to her by the doctor as a "Viscious labour"...and it was. I went from 1cm to 10cm in just under an hour. They told me I'd be drugged up to the eyeballs and so would feel some pain but also feel "separated" from it all. The medication they gave me wasn't something that they would normally give women in labour and so they didn't know how much to give me so the first 3/4 of it was done as if I'd had a couple of Gins. The aneasthetist (sp) was called in and he pumped me full of more of what they were giving me and also a drug to make me forget. I unfortunately forgot everything from when he was born until about 2 hours after, rather than the actual labour.
I was having three 20 sec contractions a minute, so not even time to breathe in between. They wanted to give me an epidural but couldn't because it was too dangerous. They did manage to take blood from me tho and I got a huge bruise on my arm from my husband holding me down while they did it. They couldn't take my BP because of the contractions being so close and severe, the doctor took her own to make sure the machine was working and hers was 160/100...during MY labour!
My husband has been a bit shaken up over it all because he thought I was dying...he still can't get the images out of his head.
I have been assured that it was about as far from a "normal" labour as it could have been, and not to let it put me off trying again.

Truth is I would do it all again tomorrow to have Jonathan back with me.

Mum to Angel baby Jonathan Douglas born still 3rd April 2004 31wks

Leanne - I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter Faith was born at 30 weeks (c-section) due to severe PE in January. She lived for 25 days and died due to premie complications. I still feel like I am living in a nightmare, but things are getting better a little each day.

It is terrible that your dr didn't pick up on the PE, but you should know that the outcome may have been the same even if things were caught early. I was watched very closely because I had PIH with my son and my blood pressure was continuing to get higher and higher with this pregnancy, but I still had to deliver because things were progressively getting worse with my liver and kidneys. Delivery is the only option.

I am so sorry you had to join this terrible group, I hope that you find peace. Learning the most I could has helped some for me.

Take Care,

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH)
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(premie complications))

Leanne,

I am so very sorry for your loss. There are just no words I can offer but, I will keep you close at heart and in my prayers.

I too lost my son to this horrible disease in July of 2003. When I came home from the hospital, I too was left with the question - what to do now...? I had stopped working shortly before I became pregnant so, my whole focus had been on my baby - preparing the house, dreaming of the future, buying little clothes and little books, making plans for our 1st Christmas together, etc. About 2 weeks after Zach died and we stopped getting the phone calls and the cards and letters and life returned to "normal" for everyone around me - I began to wake up each day in a panic thinking, what will fill my day, what do I do? To be honest, I don't remember much about the first couple months after Zach died. I couldn't sleep at night and would stay up until 3 or 4 each morning until I finally passed out and then I would try and sleep as long as I could the next day, hoping to pass the time... Looking back, I realize that I should've sought professional help but, I just didn't want to see anymore doctors, I just didn't really want to leave my house. What I learned was that talking with people helps and I am forever in debt to this Foundation and the few friends with whom I could share Zach with. It has been a long nine months and there are still times when I feel like it was only yesterday. There is no way to get through the grief but by going straight through it and you will find like others have mentioned that it is sometimes 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Please don't be afraid to lean on the people that you trust, especially the women here.

Please don't hesitate to email me if there is any way that I can help you. pelote77@aol.com

Keeping you close at heart and in my prayers,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Southern California Coordinator

Like everybody here, we are so sorry for your loss. Please know, unlike so many well-intentioned, but empty expressions of sympathy, we DO have an inkling of an idea how you are feeling and mourn with you in so many ways. Everybody does experience grief differently, so recovery will be different for each. In addition to perusing some of the grief and loss books out there, I might suggest using your hands and heart to be creative at this time. Even if you don't fancy yourself an artist or a gardener, now is a great time to pick up a paintbrush, some crayons and just create whatever comes to you - real or surreal, colors, images, whatever. It's not for anybody but you. Getting your hands in the dirt can also be therapeutic. Plant some seeds, a memorial tree or bush. Journaling, writing a letter to your beloved baby, his father, yourself in 20 years. Prayer, even if you don't consider yourself spiritual. Play music that speaks to where your heart is now. These aren't meant to be distractions, but rather expressions of your grief. Don't apologize for it and don't try to put on a brave face for others. You will quickly learn who among family and friends "gets it" and is there for you. Certainly, we are, but the medicine of a real live hug and a shoulder to sob on is very important.