why is my dh like this?

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Re : why is my dh like this?

Post by hfwarner3 » Thu Jun 15, 2006 03:07 pm

I would also like to add that we can tend to be morons.

But I agree that when we are told a problem we tend to immediately start thinking how we can fix it. I would ask him what he sees his role as. I would explain to him that you need him as your advocate -- the word "protector" is the one that struck home with me. My wife made it clear that she needed to focus on "making baby" and I needed to handle the outside world -- for her and for the baby.

Most guys like the idea of being the protector - the knight in shining armor. If you can put his role in what he can be DOING, that usually helps. Keep in mind that he may be frustrated in his inability to do anything about your condition. If so, helping him to channel that frustration into good actions will help everyone.

Good luck!

Re : why is my dh like this?

Post by gordon k » Tue May 23, 2006 05:12 pm

Anathor21 has probably hit the crux of the problem, men are "fixers" and require something tangible that they can do. I would recommend that you work with your husband to clarify his role in all of this and how his contribution will help in the final results. As long as his role is "moral support", you probably aren't going to get him engaged in the way that you're looking for. While your husband does play a role in your emotional well-being, he may not feel that he has a vested role in medical management of your condition.

If I were you I would identify with him the risks of preeclampsia and what his role is in avoiding the downside effects. Some areas where he can help are to be your advocate with the doctor, ensure all questions are answered, understand signs/symptoms and monitor you at home. Also, he should clearly understand what actions to take based on the severity of your symptoms. I asked my wife's perinatologist: "when do I need to freak out and call 911?" This sort of falls under monitoring at home, but helped me clarify what actions I should take and when.

Hope this helps or at least reinforces what a dozen other folks have said. Good luck and keep us posted.

Re : why is my dh like this?

Post by gwenllian111 » Tue May 23, 2006 08:13 am

My dh is just like yours!

I had severe complications last pregnancy and spent 8 weeks in hospital. DH was very concerned and caring throughout, but then after the pregnancy, he just wanted normality and he kind of shut out anything stressful to do with my health.

I am now 17 weeks pregnant again, with bp rising again, and he finds it all very difficult to cope with. He won't come into clinic with me, I think it upsets him too much.
He won't talk about the pregnancy much either, incase something happens to one of us. He really is genuinly scared - which is what came accross when you talked about your dh.

Good luck with everything. x

Re : why is my dh like this?

Post by cindergretta » Sat Jan 07, 2006 02:29 pm

Originally posted by Anathor21

I suggest that you have the talk now - when you are not "stressed out" and explain your fears etc - do it in a nice neutral setting. By having the discussion now when you are less stressed out I imagine you can have a less emotionally charged talk and thus more likely to have a good outcome.

Just my 2c [:)]

I really agree with this! This eliminates the "heat" and emotion and allows for a calm and rational discussion...

Re : why is my dh like this?

Post by anathor21 » Sat Jan 07, 2006 12:02 am

I suggest that you have the talk now - when you are not "stressed out" and explain your fears etc - do it in a nice neutral setting. By having the discussion now when you are less stressed out I imagine you can have a less emotionally charged talk and thus more likely to have a good outcome.

Just my 2c [:)]

Re : why is my dh like this?

Post by damsel » Sat Jan 07, 2006 11:40 am

Well after analizing the situation a little more I think maybe he is just scared and doesn't want to think about it, but I don't know if he knows enough about the condition to be scared. I really need to have a talk with him Next time he stresses me out I will.

Re : why is my dh like this?

Post by lorelei » Sat Jan 07, 2006 11:06 am

I will say that in my first pregnancy (unplanned and we weren't married at the time) that we had so much go on that first year. We had been together for a while and we got married in March. In July my ob put me on bedrest and I had Hunter in September. We had so many changes and we had a really rough first year. He didn't seem to think that it mattered when I was home by myself on complete bedrest...he went on about his life like nothing was different. My mom took me to my appts so he wouldn't have to get off of work and quite honestly if it hadn't been for her I know I'd probably not of done so well w/the bedrest thing. Anyway, it honestly took my bp shooting up and seeing me so sick and swollen on mag and nurses by my bed non stop and the dark room in L&D for him to see that "oh my god..she's really sick" He knew that I didn't want to work full time when I had the baby and I think in the back of his mind he thought the "bedrest" was an attempt to get out of working or something...Even though he never said it, he seemed to hold it against me that I couldn't do anything. After the traumatic delivery and me being so out of everything for a couple of days he seemed to change and I couldn't have asked for a better partner during my pregnancy with Dalton. Like Anathor said, try talking to him point blank about your feelings, or get him to look at some of the stories on here and let him see just exactly how serious it is/was. That's one of the main things that my husband sees now. He knows about basically every one on here and the stories they have about losing a baby or having a baby very early. He sees now just how critical it was. ((((HUGS)))) We understand. Come here anytime to vent.

Re : why is my dh like this?

Post by cindergretta » Sat Jan 07, 2006 02:21 am

I wanted my dh to post a reply to your post, but he felt silly posting and didn't know what to write.

My dh came to appts when he could, but usually had to watch our other children. But when he was able to come, he kept track of the questions we had and the answers we were given. When I was in the hospital, he rarely left my side and was an advocate for my care. After delivery, he went between Miriam in the NICU and me, making sure all our needs were met. I was so sick and so weak, he had to take care of me A LOT. He was very loving and caring. He has always taken my health very seriously and worries when I am pg.

After the HELLP was diagnosed, we went straight to induction and delivery. Afterwards, my platelets continued to crash and I got more and more out of it. He felt like he had a ring side seat to watching me die.

Now, when we talk about the possibility of a future pg, he tells me he isn't nearly as concerned with the pre-e as he is with the HELLP. Ack! I mean, IMO, HELLP is SCARY, but pre-e is a lot more likely! But while he is concerned, it doesn't make him worry about getting pg again. Only the HELLP!

In other words, I have no idea what to tell you. I have a loving and giving dh who watches over me with a great amount of care. But even he doesn't seem to grasp the seriousness of pre-e. And he has been through it with me before, too! (One really air-headed nurse told him, while I was in the midst of getting severe pre-e, about a woman who had a stroke and was paralyzed AFTER delivery from pre-e. He was living for the "delivery" part that would make me healthy again. I could have strangled that woman!!!!)

Keep us posted on your pg and take care... Maybe your dh wouldn't mind checking in here once in a while...

Re : why is my dh like this?

Post by julie f » Sat Jan 07, 2006 00:31 am

I wanted to say hi and welcome as well!

Ah, men are different aren't they? No offense Dad's[;)]!

I really have to agree with something that Anathor21 said - talk to your husband and be specific. Don't expect him to guess or to understand your hints - chances are that he won't, and then you'll both be frustrated and angry.

One thing may be that your husband doesn't really understand the seriousness of hbp during pregnancy, or preeclampsia. It also could be that as it is a disease that only occurs during pregnancy and in the postpartum period - he doesn't see it as a serious threat: once you're not pregnant anymore, no worries right? I have heard comments like that from people before, "Let's hurry up and get this pregnancy over so we don't have to worry about it anymore..." Well, I guess that's true but - it very much underestimates the stress that faces a mother-to-be dealing with all of this.

One thing I really wonder though - maybe he is just plain old scared. When people are faced with such a frightening road, sometimes denial works best for them. Maybe if he doesn't "worry" about it, maybe it's not going to happen. Know what I mean? Maybe you could speak with your OB about it, let him/her know what you're feeling and then have Dh come to the next appt. If your OB is prepped for the situation, he/she might be able to get your husband to understand the fear/anxiety/stress that you're under.

I don't know, I wish I could help more. My husband was much the opposite in that he wanted to be at each appt, each test - as much as it made his stomach turn to walk through the office doors. I think it's just different for each person.

I hope that things start to improve for you.

Re : why is my dh like this?

Post by anathor21 » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:32 pm

Welcome to the Dad's Forum!

I obviously don't know your husband so it is very hard to speculate why he is reacting the way that he is. Heck, I'm not even sure (other than not going in for the NST) what it is that he is doing that is bothering you. BTW, After the first NST I think I came to the conclusion that going along for that appt was the most boring thing that I could do and I was quite relieved when DW said she didn't mind going to those alone.

I imagine that it is possible that he doesn't understand what it is that you are facing - or perhaps even more important what he can do about it. If you subscribe to the "Men are from Mars" theories then the "Men as fixers" may help explain such a reaction - there really isn't anything that we can do to "fix" the problem of PE so what can we (men) do?

I hate to sound like I'm quoting generic relationship advice, but the first thing that I can suggest is that you talk to him (i.e. don't go hinting around and talking in code (Sorry, that slipped out, heh)). Explain what it is that you are facing - perhaps get him to visit here and post some questions if he has any and is willing to do so.

This, like any medical condition, is difficult to deal with. I know that it helped me when my DW would actually ask me to go to appts and told me that she was glad that I was there. It also helped me to know that my role was to carry the list of questions and insure that all were covered.

I hope something in here helps - I'd be glad to comment more if you like, but the applicability of the advice to your situation is hard to gage without actually asking HIM what he is thinking and going through.

Best of luck!