My daughter Malena is so strong willed. She'll be 3 in February and wants to do everything herself (even if she physically can't). My biggest aggravation is when I ask her to "Come here" and she's says "I'm coming" and then just stands there! Ahhhh! The threat of spanking works sometimes. She definitely does not like to be spanked, so we don't have to do it that often. There's a book called "Positive Personality Profiles" by Dr. Robert Rohm. It basically talks about how to interact with people (children included) who have different personality types. I'm reading it right now and there are some helpful hints.



Lisa
Craig (DH)
Malena 30 wks 2/2/02 2 lbs. 15 oz. (Severe PE & HELLP)

I have found an article that might interest other "strong willed" childrens parents. Hopefully you all might benefit from it as I did. It is from the author of the book Strong willed child.
http://www.focusonyourchild.com/develop/art1/A0001396.html


Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

Caitlyn went through her fifteen month NICU Developmental clinic today at the hospital. She scored dead on for her adjusted age in developmental skills and at a 12 months level for her gross motor skills, etc. but both of the developmental specialist said again today that they can see she is already starting her "terrible twos" at 15 months old (13 adjusted) with the temper tantrums. They both said again today she is very strong willed, VERY ACTIVE and has great social skills. AND, that I have my hands full. They mentioned using the distraction technique I have tried to use with Caitlyn from time to time when she is having a tantrum and it usually works. One other mom on here mentioned the Baby Einstein videos. She loves the discovering water one and has since she was four months old. I usually pop her in her play pen, stick that video in and a couple of books for her in the play pen to look at and play with and I can get her distracted enough to calm down. It also gives me a few minutes of "mommy time" to get away from the situation and do something like the dishes, etc. I have to say, every day is a new adventure in this road of parenthood but I would not trade it or my little Irish feisty one for the world. Thanks again for all of your support.

Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

I get all my advice of my mom.. she had one heck of a stong willed child (and she's not suprised that I have 2 of my own)

At lot of the techniques we use is to remove the parent giving order to child structure. While its not a total democracy, both our kids do get some choices in what they do. We also work alot with consequences as punishment as time outs rarely if ever work. For choices, they get to chose the clothes they want to wear, the food the want to eat etc.. Though I usually try to limit those choices. Sometimes when Alex still refuses within his given choices and wants something else (like wearing pajamas to school) he gets to as this helps him learn that the choices he makes have consequences and sometimes those aren't very fun or nice. Several times he refused to put on a jacket, took one step outside, turned around came back in and put his jacket on so I know he gets it.
The other thing we do is ignore tantrums. I would literally walk out of the room when either child would throw himself on the ground and refused to give them the attention they wanted. This works really well with Mason, but Alex hated it and would still tantrum for long periods of time when he was 2-3 years old (4-6 hours easy so times). So in addition to ignoring him, we had to help him learn some calming techniques (blowing clouds out of his mouth, washing his face with cold wet wash cloth) whihc helped drop the tantrum time.
As for time outs, we call them breaks and they aren't for punishment but rather for the child to regain their composure. They are not for set times, but rather however long he needs to come back and be a nice person again. Mommy and daddy also get breaks and sometimes Mommy and Daddy get child breaks (when we basically confine the problem child to their room with the use of gates, no punishment they are free to play etc.. just mommy and daddy need some time away from the child(ren)).

Its very hard not to lose your temper with kids like these, but one thing that helps me is they aren't doing this to spite you or to be mean or to make you mad, but rather its a form of learning, building confidence, and expressing themselves. Also, the benefits later on in life do exist for people with these types of personalities.

As for who this occurs in, well I was a full term baby with 0 complications and I am easily described as strong willed, both my boys fit the description, and I have met other people who have had perfectly normal pregnancies who's kids fall in here too. It may have something to do with overstimulation, but its also a personality trait, some people simply by personality alone are more likely to buck the system and try to do everything they can get their hands on.

Well, Nathanial can join the crowd of stubborn kids - tho he probably gets most of his behavior from his parents!

When he was a toddler we had so much trouble getting him to calm down once he started a tantrum. He would kick and scream for more than an hour sometimes. We tried so hard to be consistent and follow all the 'politically correct' parenting skills. We threw the books away LONG ago! Trying to hold him and be calm - it was practically impossible and he acted like we were killing him. Giving him time-out - no way would he sit in a chair, he'd come right out of it or out of the room we put him in. He'd beat down the door if we closed it. We tried everything to get him to just calm down. Anything we would do would just make it worse. We just had to wait until it passed and tell him repeatedly we loved him and that he was just fine. We had him count or take deep breaths. We were really scared!

It took a long time - but he did outgrow it. Now that he is five he has started whining! Again, its still hard to get him to just stop whining.

Yes, we feel its overstimulation. or the lack of it. Nathanial has been so used to being overstimulated all his life - monitors - movement around him all the time. He thrives on activity. When there is none - he creates it! Possibly he learned very early on that we responded to his screams - rather than ignoring it.

Jonathan was a quiet baby - and not one to throw tantrums. Maybe we don't give him the opportunity - as we act like we ignore them completely.

Tanya

I am experiancing problems with my kiddo and sometimes feel at the end of my rope. I checked out a book from the library called "Parenting the Spirited Child". I just started it, but I can already see that my DD is in this category. It talks a lot about personality types and she and I are opposites. It has helped me realize that she is not doing all these things to make me mad. It is just how she interacts with the world. There are lots of suggestions on how to cope with her during our stressful times. I hope to finish it soon and really try to follow through on what the book says. I am sure we will still have our struggles, but it should help me to understand her better.

Dawn
Carolyn born at 36 weeks- PE with severe HELLP
#2 due 3/05

Thank you again for your support. I knew that once she hit two years old, I would have trouble but do find it hard some days to not lose control of my temper. When I feel that way, I walk away from her. It amazes me every day how she changes and becomes more the little person she is. She was so tired tonight when I brought her home from her grandmas who watched her while I worked today that she was instantly asleep. Well, i needed to wake her up and feed her some supper so she would not wake me up in the middle of the night. That did not go very well but once we were done, I put her on the floor with an empty box and she had the best time looking into the box, pushing it around the floor and trying to put things in the box. Sometimes I think toddlers just need that little bit of breathing room like us adults do.

Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

I remember thoxe days. My DS is almost 3 and the battle of the wills is a bit different now. Toddlerhood really caused me to search a lto abdout developemtn etc. The young toddler si at astage of development that is frusdtraitng for them, so then they pass it on to you. They want to be able to do stuff, but moslty they can't yet. I found that giving words where my son could not was sooo helpful. Adress that he was sad, frustrated etc. I learned to let him knwo that being uposet was OK, btu there were ways to show it tat were OK adn others weren't. I found my getting upset only added to the problem.

I especially found it was not about being good/bad or punishemnt. I ahd to do waht I coudl to structure things so that he could be successful, and end things that didn;t wokr. A few examples:
I sat down one day to feed him applesauce ,wchich he lovede. Well he refused to eat it, pretty mcuh thre a fit. I soon realized that HE did not want ME to feed him, yet he was nopt yet able to get spoon food into his mouth by himslef. So I backed off and became mroe creative witht he finger foods. Ocassionally bringing out stuff for the spoon, sot aht he could practice.

WIth food throwing we would tell him if he threw anything agian in that meal that he was all done. Once he threw the enxt thing we CALMLY wiped him up, and put him down. He did nto stop throwing food for a long time, but we were consisten woith this and he did learn. In the eman time we had less mess, because he didn't jsut sit and throw all his fod on the floor.

If I was out and he was havinga lot of trouble, we quit what we were doing and went home, I usually gave him a verbal warning. ie, "If you can't stay woith mommy we'll have to leave." Soemtime we'd have to leave. This was quite disrupotive for me and my agenda, but better than the battle we'd have.

One big key, and it's HARD, stay calm. Use a calm tone. Get in close and talk firnly and calmly. Sya take a deep breatha nd then do ti, repeat it a few times. Show them how to calm down. SHow them to hit the pillow if they want/need to hit. Also, think a bout how you phrase things, they understand WAY more than you think they do. When ds threw the blocks - and he knew not to throw them, I said it looks like you are having trouble handling the blocks today, maybe they will have to go away. It's your choice, if you continue to throw, we'll take a break form the blocks. (Usually very soon the blocks, or whatever had to go away.) But this was not a punishment, it helped him to learn about controlling himself. The focus wasn't on losing the toy for some epriod of time, but on what he coudl handle. At this age too, they are so momen to moment. Toys were returned the enxt day, becasue we were so beyond that by then, yet if the beahvior repeated then the scenario woudl repeat. IF I felt he really coudl not hanlde soemthing I just did not bring it back, but also I did nto bring it up. Toddlers don;t understand nagging.

Also, punishment esp physical can be a very confusing to a child at that stage. Both time pouts and spanking are hard for them to really connect to their actions. At this age they need to see the connection - thus seeing the blocks go away. At this age too, tehy haev BIG emotions that they don't understnad. They need help navigating these emotions rather than feeling wrong for haviong them. Some kids do need a time out to calm down. Some kids need a quiet moment with mom. Play a song on a CD and dance, read a book whatever... OVerall the more tools you can giove them to deal with their emotion the better they will be able to respond to you, even in the strong willed moments.

Something else I learned, a tired kid has trouble behaving and coping. Npas and a good night sleep make a huge difference. Somtime the meltdowns come when a nap is needed. On the flip side soemtime ds jsut needed to run around. Thsi especailly happenned on the weekends. Soemitme he'd jsut be increasingly ahrd to deal with, until I said to DH let's take him to the aprk. A couple of hours later we'd be back hoem a lot more relaxed and happy. DS had run off a ton of enregy and because we could focus on him, and not on our to do list, we enjoyed him too.

When ds hti thsi toddler stage I read Positive Discipline, The First Three Years. It explained so much about my child's and gave me so many tools to sue in dealing with him.

That was a lot of info, but I so get where you are. I will say that you will get through it and onto other wonderful stages with your dear children.

SueAnn
dh Kwame
ds Ezekiel 1/2/02 (34wks due to pre-e)
dd Naomi 6/25/04 (38 1/2 wks PIH)

I am so glad to know that someone else is going through the same thing we are. Emily Kate just turned 14 months and has been experimenting with "the battle of the wills" herself. I was considering writing a post about this very topic, so I am glad someone else did! They will grow out of this phase eventually...[:D]
She was also one that pulled out her tube, and rolled out of her "cocoon". I agree with hannahsmom - if they weren't such fighters they might not be here now! I love my little fiesty gal!



Mommy to Emily Kate
3lbs. 7 oz.
Born 9/23/03
**2 months early due to preeclampsia.

Thank you for your advice. It is nice to know that I am not the only one out there with a "strong willed" child. I guess I better rephrase the "time out" thing as far as what I do with Caitlyn. It is more or less taking her outside for a breather if we are in a restaurant and she is determined to throw a fit. I have popped her playfully on the behind since she was a tiny infant so the spanking does not work for her but boy does she stop and listen when her normally laid back semi quiet mom raises her voice. She was also one of those babies in the NICU who CONSTANTLY pulled the feeding tube out, no matter if it was in her stomach or her nose. Eventually on down the road the nurse said that she was not going to put it back and that she was more than ready to bottle feed and go home so we worked even harder and she was able to come home. She is also one of those babies who after she was born she was put in an isolette next to a baby on a ventilator and was always determined to get away from there. I made up this story one time and sent it to a friend of mine where Caitlyn became the "BRAINS" of the NICU and planned the escape of all the preemies one night because they all wanted to go home and see their families. She was the baby version of the "Godfather". My friend got a big kick out of it. Things like that kept me from wanting to cry in the NICU. But I thank god in the 15 months (today is the 15 month mark) we have not had any major problems, or illnesses. No ear infections, no real colds. Guess a little strong will goes a long way:o)

Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes