I had my daughter 16 days ago and I can't stop obsessing over our hospital experience. I went in for a routine appointment, and left 2 weeks later with my daughter. I really feel robbed of the birth experience I had been hoping for, and I feel guilty for not being able to just appreciate my healthy daughter. I feel like no one can understand what I went through and I think about it all the time. I go over and over the details when I am in the shower, trying to sleep, breastfeeding, etc etc. I keep wondering when I will be able to move on. I feel like all my intentions of having more children are shaken. I was so out of it from the mag that I have to ask my husband to describe different events, I'm shocked at what I can't remember. I think I'm starting to drive him crazy with my perseverating.

It is comforting to know I'm not alone in acting like this, but I am nervous that so many of you are still dealing with the emotional effects even years later!

I can relate.

You've described my journey with PE ... I think all of this is part of the grieving process. Henry is 4.5 and I thought I was past the birth experience and NICU fears and the general fears of his first 2 years of life. But then we had an ENT assessment and they asked all kinds of questions about his pregnancy, birth and any delays. It brought everything back again.

Since then, we've contacted early intervention and I have an appointment with them next week.

It's strange how things still come up - but I think we need to credit this to all the effects of prematurity - and preeclampsia (and remind ourselves that it was out of our control).

Does anyone else feel that they start to feel better and stronger, but then something will just hit you and you feel like you are back where you started? Yes, most days are good days now, and the bad days are much fewer. I don't think about my son's birth nearly as much as I did, but when I do it is like I am right back where I started. I think it has just gotten "easier' (not that it is easy) to pull myself out when I am upset thinking about what happened. I am getting good with the coping skills, but I don't want to have to cope, I just want it to go away. I guess that is what is the hardest now - I feel so much better, but it just will not go away. I know that HELLP has changed me and that I am a stronger person for it, but I don't want to be strong - I want to be a 'normal' mom who loved her pregnancy and has wonderful memories of the first moments with baby. Does that ever go away?

I lost my first son to PE/HELLP 15 years ago...it has never left me and I was lucky to have a son in 2008 and survive, we didn't escape PE again....every time I hear of a pregnant women with bp issues, etc I panic....I hate this disease for so many reasons.

You are definitely not alone. I had severe PE and HELLP syndrome, my baby is now 10 months. I still think about is all the time and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I was in shock and severely depressed. Now walking has seemed to help, I can walk for hours upon hours.

Peace does come, but I think for most of us (at least for me) it became easier to accept what happened when I began to understand what happened.

And like Caryn, that's why I am here too ...

Hang in there and know that you are not alone in this.

It does get a lot easier, but if you are inquisitive by nature there's a danger of falling into utter fascination with the mechanics of this syndrome, which is why I'm still here. :)

I am so thankful that I'm not alone in this. My son is almost 3 months and I think of his birth daily. I think the sudden onset of the PE and HELLP still has me reeling. The magnesium sulfate made me fuzzy-headed, so much of his birth is a blur. I want so hard to hold onto memories of the experience, but there are so many blank spaces in my memory. Also, I am by nature a inquisitive person, but I never asked questions about what was happening to me. Now that it's over, I want answers.

Does it get easier? I need to find peace with my birth experience...

I went through a period where I thought about my hospital experience daily also -- it did get better, to the point I hardly ever remembered. It came back when we started planning to TTC again, but talking to a counselor really helped. So has being involved with the PF. :) Hugs!!