This is the first time I have posted besides requesting MFM recs 6+ months ago...I just feel so inspired to, because I identify so much with these posts. I had an eclamptic seizure in labor with my son who was born at 42 weeks and 9 lbs 4 oz (BIG!) on 12/1/09...I had signs of PE beforehand, but they went undiagnosed by my homebirth midwife. My seizure happened at home and I went unconscious in my own bed with only my husband there...our doula was in the other room, but the midwife was not there (she had been coming and going throughout the labor). The doula called EMS and we were emergency transferred to the hospital, where I delivered via C section 8 hours later (total of 32ish hours labor). My son came out perfectly healthy and I am "fine" (physically), but when we TTC a year ago and conceived briefly on the first try (we then miscarried at 5 weeks), I found myself terrified that I was putting myself into this potentially life-threatening situation again, which had come about so unexpectedly the first time.

I also have irrational medical fears that I didn't have before the seizure- just tonight, for example, I was contemplating taking a warm bath with bath salts, and suddenly worried that maybe that's not OK to do, since I'm having my period. In my trauma during the weeks after teh seizure I was afraid to go to sleep, because I was afraid I would seize. I sometimes have fears that something is wrong with me, that I am flawed in some way- when before the seizure I felt super-healthy and had never been diagnosed with much of anything in my life (and I was 39 when my son was born). I am 41 now, and I also fear that considering my age and the eclampsia I had last time, I am risking too much in trying again. And then I waffle about whether I really want another child anyway...this first one is so great, and we were so fortunate that everything turned out OK (aside from psychological/emotional trauma), and why make things harder? Yet I still want another one...I would love to have a sibling for my son, and as exhausting as it is, I think I would love to have another baby, breastfeed again, etc.

In many ways I am grateful to have had another year after this last early MC/chemical pregnancy to heal from my trauma from my son's birth...we have had a very positive meeting with the midwife from the first birth and lots of closure there, and I have met with 3 MFMs, weaned my son, had a breast mammo/sono, and found an MFM I LOVE. I felt so reassured with him...he actually considered my case "easy" in contrast to many he has had, and said that at 41 I was one of his younger clients (gotta love Upper Eastside Manhattan for that! Which is where he's located)! He doesn't think I need to get another brain MRI, either (I've had 3 since the seizure, and since I'm claustrophobic it's sucked!) Not sure what he thinks about blood thinners...one of the other MFMs I saw recommended my seeing a hematologist to discuss the possibility, based on one of my blood test results.

Anyhow- I just wanted to say how much I relate to all of you, and how grateful I am not to be alone. I really appreciate the post about thinking 30 years out (when I'll be, God willing, 71, and my husband 78!!!), and about how many women go through difficulties and traumas (and joys, and empowering successes) in pregnancy and childbirth. And I wanted to add my voice so that you ladies would know that you're not alone, either!

I am thinking about TTC this month...we'll see...

I just wanted to let you know I also relate. I am currently 6 weeks pregnant and am dealing with all these fears every day. I am working on trusting God to take care of me and baby! I hope that if it is something you really want that you will get peace enough to go through with it. However I also want to let you know that it is a misconception that adoption is expensive. If you are willing to adopt through foster care every penny of the cost is reimbursed. I know a couple of families who have adopted through foster care 3 babies under 4 months, so you can get infants. Also right now in a lot of states the system is so over whelmed with children that you will get a monthly stipend to help offset the cost of raising another child until they are 18, and full state medical until 18. Anyways I am not by any means saying to give up on the dream of having your own pregnancy but I wanted to let you know maybe adoption is an option

I have to say that reading this thread put into words everything that I have felt since we lost our son to PE...I know that I want another child...have longed for one, but I always have these exact irrational thoughts shooting through my head about the "What if's...." Hearing all of you telling your same story has truly helped me to put things into perspective and allowed me to hope without fear that I am doing the right thing when we start trying for another child in a few months...Thank you ladies!

ktsl123,

You are a 100% right! I have been thinking those exact same things recently. Imagining my life 30 yrs down the road. I don't just picture my son and husband. I see another one in there, big Christmas dinners with their kids and my neices and nephews there. I can't let the fear of the disease steal my joy and the potential for my life and my family. If I do, I know the PE has won. I know that my fears will have won. I had no fear before getting PE, and since then my mortality is in the front of my mind with everything I do, but you are right... anything can take you at any time be it an accident, heart attack, cancer... but that doesn't mean we live in fear all our lives every second of every day. Now, that I am educated, know what to look for, can monitor myself, my OBs and MFM will watch me like a hawk, I am in MUCH better hands now.

Thank you so much for helping me put things in perspective!!

Laura

I understand the irrational thoughts like "Omg what if I die!" I had them too, and the problem is sometimes people run away with their thoughts and it just gets out of control. Sometimes it can get ridiculous what you can allow youself to think about. First off when you are seeing a high risk Dr you and your Dr would not let you die and let's not forget you would be able to monitor yourself everyday. Also when you are pregnant you need to be strong. The moment you find out your pregnant you are of course going to be super excited, but also scared, but also you are going to very digilient on making sure that you are doing the best you can during your pregnancy. I think it's also important to enjoy being pregnant. I enjoyed my first pregnancy because I just felt it was such a miracle to create someone in you and I loved the bump.

I really feel like when someone is trying to decide if they want a child or not they should sit back, close there eyes and imagine their future. For some reason I always imagine Christmas at my house 30 years down the line. I imagine who will be there. Will it just be me, my husband and my son?? I don't see that. I get really sad and lonely when I think about that. I start thinking what if my son never has any children. I will never be a Gma, I grew up with a large family and around 20 cousins and I wanted more!! I love having a full house and lots of family. I can't wait to make huge dinners and make cookies and read stories and cuddle my grandchildren and I know I will someday. Some people don't care about having kids or many kids and are more simple or love the idea of one child, but ever since I was a small child knew I would have 2-3 children and I always knew I would be an awesome loving Mom and would be very close to my kids. I am not going to not live the life I was meant to live because I am scared too. Any moment anyone could die of anything from cancer to a car accident to ANYTHING!! When women in the US get pregnant we just think ok I will have to deal with morning sickness and having to lose baby weight, but I will have a baby. We are soooo niave! There are plenty of other things that could go wrong in pregnancy and we didn't care we wanted our first born child! Then something bad happens to us and we have to live sheltered and scared and not live our lives to the fullest! It not right! If you want a baby and it makes sense in your life and you feel a missing spot in your heart like there is someone out there waiting to be your child than you should try your hardest to bring them here.

I think sometimes ladies with PE feel alone, but what about my friend who lost her baby at 15 weeks and was soo scared to get preg again and then had a 2nd pregnancy where she had a low placenta and was bleeding, but she made it full term and has the baby she always wanted. What about my friend who had an emergency Transverse section and had planned a natural non medicated birth, but after pushing 4 hours couldn't do it anymore and is terrified of having another child, but is going to do it anyway because she always wanted 2 kids. What about my Aunt-in law who had 10 misscarriages in 4 years, but 3 living children in that period. She didn't give up on her dreams and I think she is amazing for that. There is a lot of other women that had other situations that were not PE, but still scary situation. I just don't think people should change their dreams because they are scared.

Anne,

I totally know what you mean. I had a horrendously scary bout of PE with my 1st and only pregnancy with my son - born 35 weeks. I went into Post-partum PE with Bps of 180/120. My OB told me that I was the sickest mom my OB ever treated. Kept telling me that I needed to make sure that I made it out alive. Tell me if that is not disconcerting. '

Just recently my hubby and I decided we were going to try and give our almost 4 year old a brother or sister and start TTC in Spring 2012. Well, when I was late this summer thinking I might be pregant, I had an anxiety attack thinking if that test was "positive" it was an automatic death sentence. When I was it was negative, I huge wave of relief and disappointment it me all at once. It's crazy, right?!! I thought I was completely nuts. I am so relieved to hear I am not the only one who goes through these emotions. I know my hubby and I still want to get pg in the Spring, but I know I will still go through all of those crazy emotions. Right now I am focusing on losing at least 50lbs before getting pg. I am not severely over weight, but getting to a healthy BMI will only improve my chances of not getting it again. I spoke to my MFM and he said I have a risk of getting it again being almost 33, having had PE before and having been a migraine sufferer, but he said I will be in MUCH better care this time around being high risk and monitored by the MFM. He said LDA and possible BP meds early on as well as additional testing throughout my pregnancy will put me in a better position. Also, the second I expereince swelling or any symptoms of PE I am on bedrest, so being educated, taking better care of myself, and being prepared will allow me the ability to be in a much better position. I just need to continue working on my weight and be mentally prepared not stressing out. Pregnancy doesn't have to be a death sentence with the right education, better care on my part and my OB/MFM's part, and help from my family.

Laura

Your posts are very helpful to me. I don't feel so alone with this crippling feeling that something bad is going to happen in my body, like a ticking time bomb. I think that my longevity had been compromised in some way and that the PE will always mean poor health in the future. I have got the booby prize in terms of genetic code or something. I had two relatives that lived to be 100 years old(my grandmother's brother and sister), my grandmother smoked 40 a day and popped out my father in her forties. I feel like a freak in my family, they are so tough and hardy.

I can relate.

Oh, and I still take my blood pressure at least twice a day with a cuff that I have at home. Only because I am scared my BP will shoot up again suddenly like it did when I was pregnant. I will never look at blood pressure the same way again.