husbands scared to try

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Re: husbands scared to try

Post by mrsv719 » Sun Mar 25, 2012 08:49 pm

I know that this is an old post, but I am new to the boards. Can you follow up about your husband? Has he come around? What have you done?

I got diagnosed with severe pree at 27w and had my son at 28w4d. We spent 86 days in the NICU and we did come out on the other end with a fairly healthy boy. He is 13 months old now and I am not thinking about TTC right now, but I do want more children. My husband doesn't even want to talk about it. He is also so terrified and scared about losing a child, losing me, or dealing with another long NICU stay. He said that we should be grateful for what we have and not risk fate by trying again. Not to offend anyone, he also said he thinks its selfish of me to even be considering it now.

I want to go talk to an MFM but I am afraid that they are going to tell me that the risks are too high. :(

Re: husbands scared to try

Post by danielsmom » Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:48 pm

Oh bless your heart. I can't fathom your loss. My son was in the NICU 92 days, and even with a good outcome, it was exhausting. Even the losses that we witnessed in there still stick with me... those precious babies' faces.

Another thing that you said resonated with me, about your husband's fear of losing not just a child, but you too. My husband did lose his first wife. They were high school sweethearts and she died at 24, the picture of health, then sudden spontaneous liver failure. Of course he was shattered. I'll never know how he felt when I went into HELLP and the MFM told him that my liver had shut down and started talking about possibility of transplants if it didn't "wake up" (his wife died in the air ambulance on the way to receive a transplant). Friends and family at the hospital said they didn't recognize him. He had this ashen face. No one knew what was going on except him at that time. I, on the other hand, didn't know how sick I was. He put his fears aside, showed me pictures of my son, and told me that we were both doing great (GOD BLESS HIM). I was so in love with my son, and in so much pain after surgery, but I made sure I told him right then that I'd go through all of it 10 times over. He was like, "ok sweetie, you're pretty doped up right now, go back to sleep." ;)

I was blissfully ignorant then. But I'd still do it 10 times over, even after all the research. I'm one that finds knowledge comforting, and unknowns terrifying. Just give it to me straight. I kept my husband in the loop with significant things I learned, and he visited the MFM with me for a talk about trying again. For us, those things were helpful. This forum has also been incredibly encouraging. It puts real people's experiences behind the statistics. Hindsight is 20/20 too... we now know the signs, we're more involved in our care, and we trust our doctors. I believe they're not going to let things get so bad that my life is in danger. After a couple years, we decided that the benefits outweighed the risks. Everyone is different though. Be gentle with him.

Re: husbands scared to try

Post by » Fri Oct 21, 2011 10:40 pm

Hi and thanks for posting,I didn't hear from anyone and was feeling so alone. Yes we have been to 2 peri/mfm's . I had every clotting and autoimune disorder test done that they have one for. 3 times now yikes! All came back negative.I also saw 2 hematologists. No one has come out and said not to try again and all have had different opinions,lovenox,lda,some say both some only lda.....confusing. All have said I have a greater chance of it happening again,but not for sure.
I really think my husband is just terrified. Our son lived for 4 months in that Nicu struggling and fighting. He went through so much and my husband is so scared of ever going through that again plus losing me.I guess I cannot blame him,part of me agrees not to risk it again. If we had a another child I wouldn't even think of it,but we don't. Again thank you,I guess we will see what happens.

Re: husbands scared to try

Post by jean » Thu Oct 20, 2011 09:21 am

Hey there..I just wanted to say that I felt the same way about sex after we lost our son. At first, I cried after having sex again. In time, it got easier, but there still is some sort of worry attached to it when we do the deed.
However, we were able to get over it for the sake of giving it one more try since stats said that ppl usually did better a second time. Have you and your hubby gone to see a peri/mfm? We did, and that was very helpful for us.

husbands scared to try

Post by » Wed Oct 19, 2011 08:20 pm

Well,it's been over a year now since we lost our Benjmain. We have been back and forth on trying again and when to start. So,I am feeling ready to try. The problem is my husband is terrified. So much so that he avoids sex ,he says since we lost Ben he views sex differently. Understandable an extent. He says he cannot go through what we went through again with a baby fighting for it's life in the Nicu. He says he is so afraid to lose not just another baby,but me this time. He has been seeing a therapist every week since July,so thats a good thing. I just feel time is not on our side,I will be 40 in March. Anyone go through this with their partners? Any advice,ideas?? Thanks