by aimeejane (589 Posts), Mon Dec 22, 2003 12:03 am
First, Congratulations on your baby girl!
Second, BOY, do I know how you feel!
(Now, this next part may ramble a bit - I apologize in advance!)
I was put under a general anesthesia at 28 weeks for my first son's c/s, and I had many of the same feelings of loss, anger, disorientation, etc. that you've described. You have every right to be angry at the disease and the situation. (At the same time, realize that the c/s probably saved your life and your daughter's!) Because of my seizures, I am missing memory of most of the time around Nicky's birth, too. Additionally, I found out over the following months that the seizures caused black spots of several parts of my pregnancy.
Someday, you'll get to the place where you can sit back and sigh with relief, knowing that you had an incredible outcome to a dangerous situation. The anger will probably never completely go away, but it will dissipate. In the meantime, talk: Talk about the anger, talk about the fear, talk about whatever goes through your head. I can tell you from experience that keeping it inside makes it worse. That's what we're here for. Have your husband come online and read some of these posts and birth stories, so he can try to understand what you're feeling. Also, keep in mind how scary this whole situation has been for him! (My husband wasn't able to talk about Nicky's birthday for years.)
Lastly, Anne has a great idea - Get the operative notes from your c/section, and fill in the blanks! Make an appointment with the doctor who delivered your daughter, have them set aside an hour if you need to, and just sit and talk, so you can have as much information as possible.
HUGS HUGS HUGS to you!
Aimee - 28
Dh - 29
Ds Nicky - 3/24/00 (28 wks - eclampsia)
Ds Kalen - 7/10/03 (36 weeks - preeclampsia)