Adoption???!!

This section is for discussions with other women who have probably been through the same signs/symptoms that you may be experiencing. Please note, we cannot offer medical advice and encourage members to discuss their concerns with their doctors. New members, come on in and introduce yourself!
cucocab
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Re : Adoption???!!

Postby cucocab » Tue Mar 23, 2010 10:43 am

I think that it is important for you to tell your doctor all that you are feeling and all that you have described here to us. He/She can give you the contact information available in your community to help with women in your situation. I can understand when you are feeling so down, it probably is hard for you to focus on finding the help that is available to you on your own. It can seem overwhelming, I know. However, once you have the info at your finger tips it can give you a self rewarding feeling knowing that you were able to accomplish finding details on what your options are. There is housing available, project cars (as we have in the midwest), WIC, etc. like others have mentioned.
Just know that when going back on the meds it can take about 3-6 weeks for you to feel any significant changes. So don't give up right away, let it work into your system.

On the adoption issue, give yourself sometime to get on the meds and for them to work first. Then see if you can sort through what is available for assistance. Then find and meet with an adoption agency/organization - dosen't mean you have to commit to it but you can get all the details and questions answered right there from the people that deal with adoptions on a daily basis. At least then you will know what the options are and how it is done.

I have friends that could not conceive themselves. They went through all sorts of tests and then decided to try artificial insemination (sp?) with a donor, it also failed. They just adopted a beautiful baby boy and are deeply grateful that they had a chance to raise a baby. The mother selected them and they have an open adoption (which is what they decided) and both birth mother and adopted parents will visit and keep in touch throughout the childs life. There are so many options research them all and see what is the best fit for you.

You are an amazing woman, don't forget that. You can accomplish anything you want to. Unfortunatley with depression it takes time, but I am glad you have your mother there with you. It might be hard to talk to your friends right now, but they might be what you also need right now too! I bet they love you and want to do what they can to help! I come from a family with a history or depression and suffer myself. It is not easy, but be patient. Take Care, and I hope all turns out well.

milesymommy
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Re : Adoption???!!

Postby milesymommy » Tue Mar 23, 2010 09:52 am

Naomi,
I can only imagine the pain andconfusion and frustration you are feeling. I am so sorry you are going through this.
My sister had her daughter when she was 19 - barely out of high school, no other schooling, no job, no husband. Boy, were those first few years rough. But she made it, they made it. Look for an organization that can help you. I forgot the name that helped my sister out, but it was a home for unwed moms. They provided so much for her and my niece - not only a place to live, but car seat, formula, diapers, job training, daycare for finding and keeping a job.
There's no cookie cutter solutions in life. Adoption works awesome for many many people - the bio parents, adoptive parents, and the child. Keeping a baby when single is difficult, but many many moms do it and do an awesome job. And then there's other stories - it seems every positive story has a countering negative one - whether it adoption or struggling single mom.
Word of caution - if you want to go down the adoption route, bio dad has too sign off. If he doesn't, he can claim the child to raise, and I don't think you want that.
Also, just because he's been an abusive husband doesn't mean he can't participate in some fashion with baby. If you keep this baby, he/she will want to know dad. So have the ex help out - not just financially, but maybe some time "supervised" watching the baby while you do things that you need to do.

brianned5
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Re : Adoption???!!

Postby brianned5 » Tue Mar 23, 2010 08:37 am

I agree that you should give yourself time to make such a difficult decision. When I found out I was pregnant again less than 6 months after having Kylie I was a mess. Through my entire pregnancy I hoped and prayed the baby would be okay, but I also worried I wouldn't love this baby as much as I loved Kylie. How would I be able to care for this child when I was still grieving so badly? The moment she was born I fell so deeply in love with her. I love her as much as I love Kylie. My love for her is different than my love for Kylie, but it's equal. There are programs that can help you keep and take care of this baby if that's what you choose. My cousin is on WIC, gets free dental/vision/health insurance, and she gets a free apartment and electric, etc. I just don't want you to have to endure anymore pain than you already are. Be gentle with yourself and good luck.

naomihope427
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Re : Adoption???!!

Postby naomihope427 » Mon Mar 22, 2010 10:55 pm

yes, I have been thinking on and off about this topic and yes I also worry my child will hate me and end up finding me and asking why and all of that, and I don't know if I can physically go through another type of loss as I would say, there's so much to consider and I will consider all of your points, each & every one of them & will let you all know what I have decided, thank you so much, I wish I wasn't in this position sometimes.

mellybute
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Re : Adoption???!!

Postby mellybute » Mon Mar 22, 2010 04:40 pm

Just wanted to say that I am sorry for everything you are going through. I got on Zoloft about 5 months ago for my anxiety, stress, etc. I was about 6 weeks post partum at the time and just went through my PE pregnancy and ICU stay etc. When my doctor put me on the Zoloft I had to wean onto it (took 1/2 dose) for one week then the full dose. She told me under no circumstances should I abruptly stop the medication. She recommended that I be on it for 6 months and then it would be up to me if I wanted to continue. And she said that if I didn't feel like I sill needed it that we would WEAN off of it. She also said that if I had ANY major life events taking place (new job, etc) that we would wait. That it was not a good idea to stop during times of stress or change. I have friends that have taken Zoloft while pregnant and my sister took Prozac while pregnant with no problems. So, please with your doctors supervision, do what you need to do to get well and cope.

I honestly think that at this point you should not make any major decisions regarding adoption. I am adopted and although I wasn't a baby when adopted, I know that both of my parents, Mother and Father regretted ever losing me and my sister. They had to live with that pain their entire lives until 1998 when I reunited with them. They were lucky in that I found forgiveness and built a relationship with them both. But they missed out on a lot of years of my life that couldn't be given back. And no matter how much love I have had in my life and no matter how much therapy, healing, etc. I have worked through, I will ALWAYS suffer from my feelings of abandonment.

So please, think carefully before you make this decision. I am not opposed to adoption, so don't hear me incorrectly, but as an adoptee, I do not think it was the best life I could have had. You always want to know where you came from.

A child/baby really only needs your LOVE to have a good life. Yes, clothes, diapers, formula, etc. are necessities but you can do it if you chose. There are programs to help single mothers. And if your parents will support you emotionally, I know you can make it!!

I hope things get better for you and you begin to feel better real soon. (((HUGS)))

jmom08
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Re : Adoption???!!

Postby jmom08 » Mon Mar 22, 2010 04:11 pm

Sending a note as well about the abuse & father issues. I agree with others about getting in a better place if possible before putting yourself through such a difficult decision. I am so sorry for what you went through with Naomi. (((hugs)))

amanda
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Location: Atlanta, Georgia

Re : Adoption???!!

Postby amanda » Mon Mar 22, 2010 02:11 pm

Hi - I sent you an email directly - please let me know if you don't receive it. -amanda

naomihope427
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Re : Adoption???!!

Postby naomihope427 » Mon Mar 22, 2010 01:42 pm

You all have very good points, and yes my feelings may change once I start to feel the baby and become more connected im sure, but as of right now, no. And I just keep going over in my head that I have nothing to offer or give to this baby besides my love, and that alone isn't enough. I have no money, no job, no car, nothing. And if I decided to keep the baby, I wouldn't be living at home, I don't know where I would have to go to. My father doesn't know, once he does he will be livid. The thing is, I couldn't decide after the baby was born because if I did I wouldn't have anything ready nor where would I be? Unfornately I have to figure out something in the next couple weeks maybe 2 months or so. I don't want the father of the baby involved yet he said he's willing to help, I couldn't bare let him have the baby on his own with his mom, he doesn't know a thing, and we aren't together, it wouldn't be safe nor good if I went back to be with him. I have absolutely loved children since I was 12. I am the oldest of 4 & helped out with them, babysat for several families with infants & toddlers & most erecently was a nanny for a toddler & infant, started when their oldest (toddler) was 3 months old. I LOVED it. I know a lot about babies & toddlers i have always worked with children & the young ones, I just adore. So I have no problem with that, it comes natural to me, I just have lots to think about. I really truely appreciate all your help & advice! Thank you, so much.

veronica44
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Re : Adoption???!!

Postby veronica44 » Mon Mar 22, 2010 01:11 pm

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, and for all that you have experienced recently. I hope you can find a good therapist who could help you deal with all this.

As impossible as it seems now, you would be able to come to love this new baby. Naomi will have your special love forever, but the new baby will be loved just as much, differently but just as much. I was a rainbow baby for my Mom after a preterm birth loss (24 weeks), and she always says that.

I'm glad that you have family support now. I know that they will support you in whatever decision you make. Could you look into some social programs that could help you in whatever you decide?

I hope I don't sound ignorant about the adoption topic - but is it possible to make the decision once the baby is born? My baby never seemed real to me until I looked at her and got to hold her. I was very scared of how I would handle a baby, but once she was here I could connect with her and mostly knew what to do.

naomihope427
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Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2009 04:48 pm

Re : Adoption???!!

Postby naomihope427 » Mon Mar 22, 2010 11:29 am

Thank you all again for continuing with responses. As of about 15 mins ago, my mom called my doctor for me and of course I was put on since I am an adult here, 22, and he asked what's going on. I briefly & quickly told him because I know he is quite busy at the office, he asked if I've had crying jags, yes, and I've been definetely glued to my bed & lots of thoughts. He prescribed wellbutrin? (Sp?) 75 mg twice a day. So im sure my mom will be picking that up for me to start today. But it will take some time to set in.

More than ever I just think about Naomi, and I can't grasp my hands on this pregnancy, it upsets me too much. But however much I pray or become upset, she is just not coming back. I will never have her in my arms again, until we meet again. Everytime I get a reply on this "adoption" topic it saddens me because I think, "is this really MY topic???"

Again thank you all for all the wonderful words of support.


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