self distruction

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lucy
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Re : self distruction

Postby lucy » Wed Aug 03, 2005 07:32 am

Susan I emailed you but wanted to just offer more virtual hugs I really do think of you and Corine often I still remeber when I first saw her picture after you posted it, please know we are all here for you. ((Hugs))

melissam
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Re : self distruction

Postby melissam » Wed Aug 03, 2005 06:18 am

Sue,
I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. I don't know what to tell you... perhaps 3 days with a bunch of us crazy women will help...at least for those three crazy days. [:D] You will figure this out and you will get through it. Your loss is still so new. It will just take a while.

Hang in there. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

sjs40
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Re : self distruction

Postby sjs40 » Wed Aug 03, 2005 05:25 am

So sorry Susan. There are no easy answers. I wasn't able to be in public places for the first few weeks, I was terrified I would meet someone I knew and would have to explain. I couldn't bring myself to go back to work before Ellie's due date for the same reason. I dulled my pain with alcohol, but realised that it was doing me no good and weaned myself off it. I then accepted counselling which did lighten the load to some extent. It is still early days for you, so don't be too hard on yourself. Small steps each day....

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catherine
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Re : self distruction

Postby catherine » Tue Aug 02, 2005 10:30 pm

Susan, it's not so terrible to find some external manifestation of the pain and loss that you are feeling. Smoking for a few months won't destroy your health. However, you might want to consider if this might be a way of punishing yourself a little?

Could you just take baby steps before the ciggie just take a moment to see whether it's going to help your mood, or just make you feel worse? Maybe balance a smoke with taking Carly for a walk around the block, or a dip in the pool? Pass on that twinkie... and have a proper meal with ice-cream for dessert?

I hate that you have to feel this way, and that you have a long journey ahead of you. Please don't feel that there's a right or a wrong way to get though the days... really, it's just the getting through.. whether it's a day when you cruise, or a day when you feel like you are going backwards down a hill.

I'm so glad that you are going to the conference. I'm not going to be there this year, and I'm really sorry because it would be so good to meet you all, but I did have such a special time last year. Nothing beats meeting all these girls in real life.

cassie05
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Re : self distruction

Postby cassie05 » Tue Aug 02, 2005 07:12 pm

Oh Susan, Im so sorry. I dont have any answers, all I can say is that you remain in my prayers. I think it would be a good idea to go see the doctor again...maybe he could up the dosage of the meds. Just remember we are all here for you...I really wish I could come to the conference and be there for you...Im so sorry

kjones
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Re : self distruction

Postby kjones » Tue Aug 02, 2005 06:48 pm

Susan, You got to get ahold of yourself, don't let this disease get what's left of you. I know first hand it is easier said than done. Have they checked your blood lately? You really need to see your doctor, have some labs drawn, and go over the feelings you are having!! All we can do is be here for you, and pray that you will pull out of this soon. It took me 5 months before I would even come out of the house to even attempt to go back to work, when I lost Carson. Our children would not want us to suffer the way we do. Is there anything you like to do? Could you go for walks, or try to stay busy doing something? It really did me alot of good to go back to work, if I had'nt there is no telling what would of happened to me. I will be thinking of you, and remembering you in my prayers. This stage shall pass, in due time... God Bless You, and Your Family!!

susan belisle
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Re : self distruction

Postby susan belisle » Tue Aug 02, 2005 06:42 pm

I am on Zoloft. I guess this is just the way things are to be for now.

missgamecock
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Re : self distruction

Postby missgamecock » Tue Aug 02, 2005 06:26 pm

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. Have you tried talking with your dr about this? I know that I had ppd and my dr prescribed Zoloft for simlar symptoms. Don't know if it would help in your case. But I really think you should call your dr and let them know what is going on and see if they can give you some advice. Just know that we are all thinking about you and praying for you!

akemt
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Re : self distruction

Postby akemt » Tue Aug 02, 2005 06:09 pm

Susan,

I have no answers. But, I do feel a great love and empathy for you and all who have lost loved ones. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you -may you find the solace you seek in those things that uplift you.

susan belisle
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self distruction

Postby susan belisle » Tue Aug 02, 2005 05:43 pm

I went to the thrift store yesterday to get some clothes for the pe conference next week. The thing is I have lost sooooooo much weight. I keep thinking I will get fat again any day now. But the truth is sizes 6 and 8 are just swimming on me. I don't know how to take care of myself. I want to eat but nothing taste good and nothing seems appealing. So I eat a twinkee or something and then feel sick so I stop eating. Then I smoke a cigerette and then I feel sick but then go ahead and light up another. I am ready to quit but I just don't know what to do with myself. I know this is how my grief is impacting my life. Self distruction. But how to you pull yourself out of it. What if I do right by my body and my mind pulls me down? it is just so complicated.

I keep thinking if Corine was still alive today she would still be in the NICU. Which would be better us in a constant state of panic waiting and woundering when the next bomb will drop or grieving over the life she will never be able to live. There is just no right answer. Nobody wins and the game is over.


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