Blaming Myself

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : Blaming Myself

Postby timelessbeauty » Mon Mar 28, 637672 6:43 pm


Nothing you do will ever erase the memory of Xavier from your mind and if anything, like most of our children, I personally believe they would want to see us continue on in their memory. If the doctors don't know what causes PE, you certainly cannot be expected to shoulder any blame for what happened to your son. They don't know how to stop it and therefore it really isn't something you could have helped. I believe it's very normal in the grief process to feel guilty even though we didn't do anything to bring about the grief. And you would not be replacing your son to have another child, you would be "adding" to the family you have already started to create! Whether you have religious beliefs that your son is in Heaven or scientific understanding that all energy is transfered/never stopping, you know that your son will be able to be around you and check in on you from wherever he is. If anything, your next potential child could be very honored at the sacrifice his or her older sibling made to pave the way for he/she to exist. And with knowing how precious life is, that appreciation for life will be instilled into the next child and a wonderful life shall be lived due to the memory of one special little angel!

I wish you peace and will hold you in my thoughts and prayers!

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Re : Blaming Myself

Postby dja » Mon Jan 18, 637672 12:37 am

Hi there. Amelia's been gone 2 1/2 years, but I still feel the guilt and anger, but thankfully so, so much less than before. Something that I've done, very slowly, has been to create some memory items for myself that help me remember, and make me feel like I'm being a mom to Amelia. I made a memorial area for her at home, and have recently completed a baby book of her and the few items her grandparents had given when we found out we were having a girl. And even with Malcolm here, I have a very special place in my heart for Amelia. Your little angel Xavier will know you haven't forgotten him or replaced him, but given him a sibling who will learn about him and love him too.

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Re : Blaming Myself

Postby hmoore » Mon Dec 28, 637671 2:12 am

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know how hard it is all the what if’s I do that to my self a lot. I just have to believe that this was in god’s hands and there was nothing that I could do about it. If I do not do that I would drive my self crazy.
Me and dh have been trying again also. When we decided to try again I went up to visit Conner and had a long talk with him I told him that we wanted to try and give him a brother or sister to watch over that we were not trying to replace him that we are just adding to the family. I know from the bottom of my heart I will never forget Conner and I know for sure that he knows that. I am sure Xavier knows that you will never forget him either. I am sure that he looks down on you every day proud of you, thinking of you!

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Re : Blaming Myself

Postby robertmyangel » Sun Dec 27, 637671 7:51 pm


I am so sorry that you lost your precious baby boy, he is such a beatiful angel. I understand how you feel, and what you are going through... There isn't a day that goes by that I don't blame myself, and I honestly know that it was out of my control. The guilt, the what if's will haunt you. It's been almost three months since I lost my precious baby boy, and it seems that everyday is a new battle for me to fight. Shannon, please know that it is not your fault, it was out of your control, you did not cause this. Your a loving woman who wants to be a mother, and your sweet angel will always be in your heart. You are not a bad mom, he knows that you will always love him, and you will be giving him a little brother or sister to watch over. Please know that you are not alone and that we are all here for you. Many hugs to you swettie!!!

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Re : Blaming Myself

Postby lucy21 » Wed Dec 16, 637671 12:40 pm

Hi Sharron,
I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. It is unfair and I can't imagine.
I'm positive your darling Xavier is looking down with so much love and admiration for you. Remember that he would want you to be happy and will always know how much you love and miss him.
Take care,
Love Lucy

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Re : Blaming Myself

Postby mrs. sagara » Tue Dec 15, 637671 4:03 pm

I soo get what you are going through. The guilt, the what if I had done things differently, the why didn't I think about this or that. I still go through that at times. I think that since we carried them inside ourselves, we feel responsible somehow for what happened to them.
I have gone through multiple losses and each loss has been so deep and painful I wonder why I keep trying.
I don't believe I am replacing my sons, I feel them every day and I know that they were unique and beautiful. I will never ever forget them.
So don't feel like you're a bad mom.

heather h
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Re : Blaming Myself

Postby heather h » Tue Dec 15, 637671 10:40 am

You will never forget Xavier.. He knows that his mommy loves and cares for him. I know when I lost Shane I too wanted to try again - I longed to hold a baby.. my baby..beings I was not able to keep Shane here with me. I went through that also , that I felt guilty because of the "replacment" feelings... But, now that Hayden is here, I have a beautiful shelf on my living room wall that hold 5x7 pictures of both my boys. Neither will ever be forgotten. So when people come to visit, they get to see both of them. It helps me get through the days getting to see him in that way each and every day.

Hugs to you,

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Re : Blaming Myself

Postby daltonsmommy » Thu Dec 03, 637671 10:18 pm

I am very sorry for how you are feeling!! It's only been two weeks since my loss and I keep doing the what if's also. I know its hard but everything happens for a reason. There is nothing we could have done to save our babies. They were meant for a higher purpose.. Xavier is watching out for his mommy right now. Just like I know my little Dalton is always with me. I can feel him right now. I hope you feel better!!


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Re : Blaming Myself

Postby michellelhuston » Thu Dec 03, 637671 1:32 pm

You are not a bad mom. I know that it is soooo hard to not blame yourself thinking what if I did this, if only I had done that. As much as my family and the doctors told me that it wasn't my fault, how can you believe that? PE has an ugly way of coming on. Xavier will never be replaced! Your family will be added to with another brother or sister for him! God makes mommies special. We will never forget any of our children! I am sorry that you are hurting. Please just know that you are not a bad mom. Sending you many hugs!!!

jana m
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Re : Blaming Myself

Postby jana m » Thu Dec 03, 637671 12:32 pm

Rosemary is right. You are not a bad mom. You did everything you could to keep Xavier safe and sound. It's not possible for you to ever forget him. You are and always will be his mommy. I thought I was crazy for wanting to try again so soon, but the women on this board helped me to realize it's only natural to want to hold another baby in your arms. We all go through times when we blame ourselves for the loss of our children. We've been through the worst, and it's hard not to have those feelings.

You have lots of people here who will support you no matter what you do.

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