What helped you?

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : What helped you?

Postby sweetiesuzy » Fri Sep 15, 2006 09:11 pm

This is overwhelming to me! I cannot believe the posts and support you are getting for this Melissa! It is a blessing. For me right now I can only say a few things. It is too close to Chloe's 5th birthday and I am struggling myself right now.

Things that help:

My memory box

People asking what her name is and talking about her freely by name.

People who remember her birthday.

Things I wish I had done regardless of what the nurse said that night - TAKEN LOTS OF PICTURES. I have none of her. I only have ultrasound pictures. I regret it deeply. If I had only known...


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Re : What helped you?

Postby amillhouse » Fri Sep 15, 2006 09:56 am

Gee- this is a great list, we should put these in a book! What helped the most was people remembering his birthday and asking questions (any questions) about him and what I think he would be like now, etc.

What didn't help was people telling me I needed to move on. . .

for faith
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Re : What helped you?

Postby for faith » Thu Sep 14, 2006 05:18 pm

Melissa - Wow, I think that is great and what everyone has said is so, so true.

Here is a few to add from my personal experience at the hospital:

Privacy - My daughter was at Children's Hospital in a room with other critical babies and it was very hard to visit with so many people around. The nurses/doctors were so good to try and give us some privacy and before she died, they moved her into a private area for us where we could say goodbye.

Holding her before and after she passed and having as much time as we wanted.

Her importance - Nurses taking pictures, her footprint in clay and lock of her hair. Calling Faith by her name to us.

Dressing her in our outfit we brought after she passed.

NICU sending us a sympathy card with the nurses and drs saying something personally to us.

Visit by the priest from the hospital and thinking to ask if we want her baptized (so glad they came to us).

Didn't help:
People not being empathic to our loss - Social worker coming to us when she was on the verge of death asking all kinds of weird questions, like what was our education level. These were for something when she was going to be discharged, but she never was.

This wasn't at the hospital but people saying your young, you can have more or people asking "how are you?" when they really didn't want to know.

Thanks, I know others will benefit by these nurses knowing the best.

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Re : What helped you?

Postby robertmyangel » Thu Sep 14, 2006 04:10 pm

Melissa, I just want you to know that I admire you so much. I think that you are an amazing person, and that what you are doing is incredible. Thank you for doing this.

As I was reading some of the other post, I started to cry b/c I know how it feels when someone says such hurtful things after a loss. I just needed to get myself together before I could respond.

What helped me:
When one of my nurses held me and cried with me after I found out Robert had passed.

My dear fiance staying at the hospital with me every night.

My family being there for me.

Having a funeral for Robert, He was a human just like everyone else, he deserved to have a service just like everyone else.

The PF really helped me, espcially the Greif and loss forum. I don't know what i would have done with out you ladies.

Roberts memory box and pictures are the most valuble to me.

What did not help me:
Many of my so called friends have abandoned me, they don't call me anymore and that really hurt, but I'm glad I truley know what kind of people they are, and I don't want those kind of friends.

One woman said to me "Your baby was concieved in sin, and God had to punish you for not being married." BS!!!! That really hurt me. Why would God want to see me suffer like that? He was concieved in LOVE.

When people say "I had a miscarriage too". It is not the same.

When people say, "Your young you will have more babies". Yes, I am young, but another baby will never replace Robert. (I really hate thet one).

When I am talking about Robert, and someone cuts me off.

When my sister calls me talking about her problems and I listen, but when I call and want to talk about Robert I get silent treatment or she is all of a sudden too busy to talk.

When people say "Just move on with your life, stop dwelling on it, don't tatoo his name on your body that's not smart. SHUT THE **** UP!!! You don't know how I feel, and it's my body, and my baby.

There are many, many more, I could go on for hours.

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Re : What helped you?

Postby amaara » Thu Sep 14, 2006 01:49 am

Duchess, I am so sorry. How awful.

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Re : What helped you?

Postby duchess » Wed Sep 13, 2006 08:06 pm

1. It doesn't help to blame the mother. I actually had a former nurse (my godmother) come to see me in the hospital after Madison died and didn't offer any condolences. She just told me that if I wasn't fat this wouldn't have happened.

2. Treat the child like a child. Don't ignore the baby's life.

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Re : What helped you?

Postby lucy21 » Wed Sep 13, 2006 06:54 pm

Hi everyone.
I am so sorry for your loses. I have not lost a child and can't even begin to imagine the pain of the experience.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts...it has made me really aware of how insensitive some people are and I have been shocked about some of the things people have said to you. You all have children, you will never get over their loss and it SUCKS !!!
I hope that I learn from your feelings and as part of a local support group for pregnancy complications I am able to be more supportive.
My heart goes out to each of you.

jana m
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Re : What helped you?

Postby jana m » Wed Sep 13, 2006 05:41 pm

What a wonderful thing to do. The doctors and nurses that took care of me and my girls were wonderful to us. Couldn't have asked for anything more. I can't say that anyone in the hospital said anything hurtful or insensitive. That started once we left! Here's my input...

**Not turning away from my husband and I. I know the loss of babies tends to make people uncomfortable and we were so grateful that none of the nurses or doctors avoided us or pretended like there was nothing wrong.
**Acknowledging that we are parents, and that we have three daughters...even if we didn't get to take them home with us.
**Taking pictures of my babies. At the time, I couldn't understand why the nurses were photographing the worst moments of my life. Now I cherish each and every one of those pictures.
**Encouraging me to hold them and talk to them. It's so overwhelming when they handed me my girls after we took them off the life support. The nurses stayed with us and supported us, until we were ready to spend time alone with them.
**Making us memory boxes. This is an obvious one!
**Sharing their own story of loss. Several of the high-risk nurses who had taken care of me throughout my various hospitalizations, shared their own losses with us after we lost our girls. It was very personal, but at that moment it was comforting to know we weren't alone.
**Other things....saying their names, asking questions about them and about our experience with PE. Remembering important dates and birthdays.
**My parents were at the hospital the day that Hannah died. The nurses asked them on more than one occasion if there was anything that they could do for them. I think acknowledging that the entire family and not just the parents have suffered a loss is important and can mean an awful lot to grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.

**Telling me that it's not like I got to bond with them or got to know them. CAN YOU BELIVE THAT MY FATHER-IN-LAW OF ALL PEOPLE SAID THIS TO ME THE DAY SOPHIE AND GABRIELLA DIED???!!! I still get so angry whenever I think about it. Of course I bonded with them. They are my children and I bonded with them from the second I knew they were inside of me! UGH!!
**Telling me I had three little angels in Heaven. This was not something that does a whole lot for me. I don't want three angels in Heaven. I want three babies here with me. I know this comforts a lot of people, but it didn't comfort me.
**You're young and you'll have more children. Well, I'm not old, but I'm not 20 either, so this always irks me.
**Asking me if I've moved on yet or if I've moved past it.
**Telling me that if I keep busy, I won't think about my girls.
**Telling me that for some reason, it just wasn't meant to be.

I'm sure I could go on and on, but I'll stop for now!

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Re : What helped you?

Postby gilma » Wed Sep 13, 2006 12:28 am

What was/is great: 1. The nurses and my OB literally holding my hand and crying with me. 2. Getting as much time to spend with my son as I wanted. (we got to decide when it was time for them to take him "away"). 3. In my case in paticular, I was given a choice by my OB for recovery after I left the L&D ICU. I chose to stay on the L&D floor because those nurses knew me and my situation. They put me at the end of the hall and continued to take great care of me. 4. My ob took many pictures for us and actually left us her camera so that my husband could take shots that were more candid. (we have one of me sleeping with Grayson in my arms.) 5. Hearing his name. (to hear my 4yr old tell me she misses him reminds me that others feel his loss too.) 6. Being reminded that this is something you will never "get over...nor do you have to." 7. Nurses and my OB attending his memorial.
What is NOT really great: 1. "How are you today?" As if I'm going to crack into a million tiny little pieces any second... 2. (I know this may seem contradictory but it is all in context)People ignoring the situation as a whole. (Not looking at you, talking to you, avoiding you,....) 3. Hearing "In time you'll be normal again." 4. IT was meant to be or he is in a better place....yeah right....what my arms aren't good enough? Was the bassinett that my first two children slept in too used? Are me and my husband such terrible parents that we can't take care of this child we love so much it hurts? (Sorry for the rant) 5. I do not know how to articulate this but we gave my MIL a shadow box with pictures and momentos of Grayson. She keeps it in the box hidden away in her room. Maybe it makes her uncomfortable? or maybe she's afraid it will make others uncomfortable? He was her 3rd grandchild wasn't he? Doesn't he also deserve the pride the other grandchildren receive? This would go for anyone....these are our children...no matter how tiny or how long they were with us. They lived. Even if only inside us. PLEASE remember them in all ways possible. (AGAIN! sorry for the rant)

Thanks for doing this Melissa. The treatment we receive while in the hospital can easily make THE difference in the beginning of our journey down grief's path.

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Re : What helped you?

Postby missgamecock » Wed Sep 13, 2006 07:22 am

[quote]Originally posted by Amaara

The one experience that marred my stay was my ob's partner, who is an SOB (and I knew it even before). The day after the emergency c-section and Wyatt was delivered still, while I was still in ICU and and I had lost my voice from the intubation, he came in to see me and said, "Well, you knew you were taking a risk with your weight and diabetes..." At the time, I will still so groggy from the morphine and shock, so all I did was nod and cry.

I had to respond to you with a quote. I just wanted to say that your diabetes and weight did not cause your Eclampsia. It is a multi faceted disease and is very complex. I am very sorry that your ob's partner told you that. How cruel. [}:)][:(!]It infuriates me to read that. If it makes you feel better, my ob and peri both told me that my weight would have no effect on whether I got PE. I was extremely overweight when I got pregnant with my youngest. You know what, he was right. I have lost quite a bit after having her and I am still on bp meds.

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