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Re : Thank You

Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 10:58 pm
by josiah1112
Thanks for sharing. I just spoke to a co worker
and she mentioned that people from work were asking when I
would be coming back to work. I mentioned to her
a few things that I DO NOT like people to say to
me, like- "Oh, it happened for a reason". "He
could've been a very sick boy and had problems."
- As if moms don't expect and pray for every possible miracle
for the prosperity of their child. I guess I will have to
keep doing this as I talk to more co workers. I hate it when
people give you a pat answer sometimes without even thinking.
I guess they feel they need to help our "thinking" along.
It's funny, but when I mention - "How would you feel if this
were your child?" things change around quickly.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03 - 12/4/03 born @26wks PE

Re : Thank You

Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 09:36 pm
by kimb
I went back to work 3 weeks after losing William. I went in the week before just to get the inital face to faces over. My anticipation was much worse than the reality. But I think I went back to work too soon. For the next month I was only there about half of the time as my bp and my emotions were so out of control. I cried multiple times every day at the office, sometimes sobbing uncontrollably. But the crying has slowed down - now after 6 months - I usually cry at lunch time when my mind gets to relax and then it always goes to my son.

The guy across the hall from me at work and his wife were due three weeks ahead of me. Seeing him again and trying to be happy for he and his wife was hard. But he is about the only one who will talk to me about it. The first time his little girl was sick he found me and said that he had wondered what he would have done had this happened to him and he always thought "eh - I'd get thru it" - but just not being able to control and keep his little girl from having a fever - he was even more amazed at how I was coping and that he knew he couldn't even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child as we had. I am very thankful that he is willing to talk to me about it - the hardest part for me was those who made no mention and acted like it was just another day. I talked about it and him to anyone who would stand still long enough for me to get going.

On the three month anniv or losing William - my boss and his wife announced they were pregnant (3 months) - that threw me over the edge. As my little boy was leaving this earth, their new baby was coming into being. But my boss didn't tell me. He let someone else and then after the initial tantrum and screaming was over and I had time to calm down a bit he came in and talked to me about it.

I am sorry I rambled on so. Ileana is right, it is a necessary step in our healing though it isn't fun. Getting some "normalcy" back into our routine does help. For me the anticipation of all things for the first time since losing William has been worse than the actual event is.

Being that I had worked for the same company for 10 years (in fact I lost William on my 10 year anniversary at work) - I didn't hide my emotions - I can't. For me I can't say I'm ok or fine or good when I'm not. And for the most part I think people understand that.

There will be hard times on this road but there are also days that are ok or even good days. And their numbers grow as the weeks go by. There will be days when the tears are minimal and others where they pour out - for me it poured this weekend which is probably why I am rambling so. Just remember to take care of yourself and don't let anyone put limits on your grief.

Re : Thank You

Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 04:03 pm
by ileana
I'm working from home most of the time, but sometimes I work at various clients sites.
The day before I entered the hospital, I was at this site in Long Island (driving for 2 hours to get there). They have big mirrors and I could see my non-existant waist line [:(]

I went back a month or two after that and it was such an awful shock! People chatterring around, and I felt there was nothing to chatter about. People asking me how I feel and me having to tell them that I'm ok, because there was nothing physically wrong with me.
Seeing my waistline in the big mirror made me so painfully aware what I am missing... people that knew I was pregnant asking me about the baby... Driving on the way home and listening to the same music I listened before getting into the hospital - I had to turn off the CD player. People talking about their kids and having kids pictures on their desks.
I can still clearly remember both days: the day before and the first day back.

It's not fun, but it's a step you need to take. Allow yourself to be unhappy.

Ileana 33
Angel stillborn 24w p-e 2/17/03

Re : Thank You

Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 03:46 pm
by josiah1112
Sorry everyone,

I pressed the wrong key. Instead of reply to post I pressed
key for new topic. Sorry.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03

Thank You

Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 03:37 pm
by josiah1112

Hi All,

Thank you for sharing with me. It's amazing but everywhere I go
my son seems to go with me. I can't stop thinking of him...
I yearn for him so much... sometimes I still smell him...
I've been feeling very angry with God. I know he didn't send
the PE but I know he could've made the outcome different.
Lately, I can hardly pray and have little interest in reading
my bible, which is something which I used to do daily for my
spiritual health.

I also need to think about going back to work. What I dread the most
is having to interact with the people. I teach children which also
makes it doubly hard. Two days ago I visited a friends school.
(First time I went into a school after my son passed away). I had
two emotional waves- when I stepped into one of the Special
Education classes (I also teach Spec. Ed.) with the full realization that my son could've been any child in this class if he would've
made it because of possible dev. delays (due to prematurity) and when we stepped into the cafeteria on our way out of the building. -- It hurt that I would never see Josiah at this age or at any age. It's so hard.

Another hard thing will be seeing a parent that was due at about
the same time I was. I'm sure she will be coming to pick up her
child which is in my class with the baby in no time. How was going back to work for you all? Shared experiences would be appreciated.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03