Why I HATE coming to this site

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby quintain » Sun Feb 11, 2007 08:10 am

You know, it's odd. I've obviously had a lot of time to think about this, and I've realized that while I consider my daughter my "real" child, I don't feel that the boy twin that I lost at 20 weeks was "really" my son.

Disclaimer: this only applies to me. I do not mean to suggest that others may not feel entirely differently and, of course, their feelings are just as real and appropriate as mine

Maybe it's because my daughter was born alive, and lived for a few precious hours. I'm not sure. But it's odd and I wondered if anyone else (maybe who had miscarriages/stillbirths and also live births) also felt this way.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby nathansmom » Wed Jan 31, 2007 09:39 am

I am so sorry for your loss. I know where you are coming from too. Before my pregnancy that ended in severe pre-e and HELLP, we had 2 miscarriages. One of which I made it to 14 weeks and actually 'delivered' the baby in the bathroom of the hospital ER. Nothing in life can ever prepare us for the loss of a child - no matter what stage of pregnancy or life.

My sister in law and brother recently had a completely healthy baby girl after a totally complication free pregnancy while she smoked the entire time. Even though I had Nathan, who had made through being a preemie and 4 weeks in the NICU and was now healthy, it ate at me something terrible. Not that I wanted anything to happen to my SIL or my baby niece, but I just kept thinking about how I had tried to do EVERYTHING I possibly could for all 3 pregnancies and still had the endings that I did.

What you are feeling is completely normal! Just PLEASE don't let anyone else 'guilt' you into forgetting your baby or rushing your grief! So many 'well wishers' tried to do that with my husband and I, but we made a vow that we would never forget either of them and that we would tell Nathan when he was old enough that he DOES have 2 siblings in heaven watching out for him.

This past summer, we planted 2 trees in our back yard so that there is some 'tangible' evidence for us to look at that we actually had 3 children, not just one.

I hope you don't stop coming to the site. Time does make things easier and at least you know that you are NOT alone and there are a lot of people out there that care for you and understand your feelings.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby lisainnj » Sun Jan 28, 2007 01:19 am

Quintain, I am sorry you are suffering so much. For myself, I would never want to forget my daughter, but I often keep the grief buried deep and don't even think about it, or her, because I couldn't manage at all if those thoughts were always present. And I get angry sometimes if someone says something thoughtless, or even sympathetic, and cracks open all the pain. I want to talk about it when I want to and can deal with it.

That you are growing less interested in interacting with your son may be more a sign of depression than grief - it was for me. I went to therapy after I miscarried twice and after 3 sessions or so talking wasn't helping any. An anti-depressant was what really pulled me out but it can be tricky to find the right one - I tried Zoloft, had an instant horrible reaction, tried Paxil, greatly improved within a couple weeks, quit therapy, tried something else after a couple of years because Paxil was inducing hypertension, got worse, went back on Paxil, quit because the hypertension was so bad. Got over one bout without drugs, and stabilized. Then I got pregnant, lost my baby to PE, after a month felt grief turn into major major depression overnight (enough experience to tell the difference), went to psychiatrist who suggested Serzone. I pointed out possible liver issues post-HELLP, so he suggested mirtazapine - a teeny dose works, and worked within twelve hours. A bigger dose would probably work better but puts me to sleep. Now I grieve and it hurts but not so often overwhelmingly, but I am not depressed (much). Still not as outgoing or lively as I was on Paxil.

Long saga - but told to illustrate that finding the right anti-depressant can be a matter of experimenting as we all react differently, that it takes collaboration between a psych. who knows his meds and an informed patient, that you may have to deal with side effects and make compromises, and that even after several failures an effective drug can still be found. Your prescriber should be willing to go beyond the SSRIs. There might even be a medicine that will not take away the memory, but help take the trauma and pain out of the memory - some of the beta-blockers have been studied in this context.

I do hope you find peace and relief from your pain, and are able to take delight in your son again. And your sympathy and empathy do help lighten our burden - a little, but it adds up. Thank you.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby lalam17 » Sat Jan 27, 2007 11:36 am

I understand most every detail of what you are saying. I have lost two babies as well. My second loss, a MC was around the time that my first child's due date was. My age puts me in a peer group where it seems like endless births are occurring. I had 6 friends and 3 relative give birth to babies withing the 3 months of my loss. I felt punished. Also, seeing healthy babies born to mothers who did not take care of themselves during their pregnancies seems cruely unfair. How could I do everything right, and these women break every rule, and yet have these results. I'll never have the answers to these questions. Sometimes, I come to this site and it does increase my sadness, but othertimes, I find the support to be increadibly helpful. I think that loosing a baby is harder than any other loss. You lose not only your child, but your hopes and dreams for the future. You imagine your baby as this perfect little thing, and since you don't get to see him/her grow up, that image of perfection can never be tainted by the "normal unperfectness" that all children are. Many people are less empathetic, they feel that since you "hardly knew" the baby, you shouldn't be so sad. It's a tough place to be. However, one of the things about this site that was initially painful has now become a beacon of hope for me. Yes, it seems unfair that so many women with PE/HELLP still have their babies, home and healthy. However, I knew that even with the loss of my children, I would try again. Reading the stories of the survivors, the 24 weekers that are now normal children gives me hope that even if I have another crazy pregnancy, the outcome can still turn out ok. Also, there are stories of women who have had PE 2 or 3 times, but not every time. This gives me hope that maybe I will be one of the lucky ones. Maybe PE will not happen this time, and I can have an uneventful pregnancy. I hope that with time, your grief will begin to heal. It never goes away, believe me, I know. But time does make it easier. I wish healing and prayers to all the grieving families, ill and lost children. And for all those survivors--continue to make us proud.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby raspbeari » Sat Jan 27, 2007 10:06 am

quintain I do think this is extremely difficult to go through. It hits home just how fragile life is now.

I just wanted to say I have struggled too. It has been hard to feel this much pain. I have tried to feel it, I also have shut it off by "not going there" to go on (which I think I have had to do, otherwise it would've been too much to bear) I do think we are all different, I am older and at a place in my life where it is my motivation to really deal with it. I have the experience of looking back at my life and seeing all those things I never grieved, how they are still unresolved even now.
I also grew up with parents who lost their first child before me to SIDS. They had a little girl who passed away in her crib. They did not really grieve this loss. I think our whole family suffered from my parents not grieving. In fact they still haven't dealt with it, particulary my father who became an alcoholic.
So I do think even if you are falling apart in front of your child, if you are taking responsibility for your own feelings, even if they are sad, you would be showing your child that feelings are okay.

About coming here, I get upset too. Seeing that many have PE and babies too is a bit much for my heart.
I didn't come here for months at a time in the beginning it was too painful. Now I come more and just read, but don't post so often, it is comforting. I am at a point where I am now wondering how to best move on, like how to live in two different worlds at the same time. Does that make sense? I sort of feel like there is this world where people live who have lost children reside, like there is now a pane of glass which separates me from everyone else.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby quintain » Sat Jan 27, 2007 07:08 am

I've been wondering if reading this site is actually increasing and prolonging my grief. Not only do I feel jealous of the women who've had "successful" PE pregnancies, I feel a terrible, helpless sorrow for the women who have lost their babies. I can offer sympathy and empathize with their emotions, but in the end, it only makes me feel worse. I can't help them. I can't do anything to lighten their burden. And, I suppose, they can't really do too much for me.

First best, of course, would be that I still had my babies with me. But second best (for *me*, not, perhaps, for anyone else) would be to totally forget that they ever existed. If I could take a drug that would wipe them from my memory completely, I'd do it in a second. I don't want to remember them. I tried very hard not to learn the actual date that my baby girl was born, so it wouldn't be a yearly reminder of my loss. I'm actually sorry that I gave my little girl a name and went through the trouble of getting a birth and death certificate for her, since they just etch her further into my memory. I'm sorry that I ever told anyone I was pregnant, so I wouldn't have to endure their (well-meant) pity.

Could I "unname" her perhaps? Destroy the birth and death certificates? Make every effort, when I think about the twins, to redirect my thoughts to something happier? (which, frankly, would be just about anything else)

Grieving in the "normal" way, just isn't working for me. Instead, it's just driving me further and further into despair, to the point where I'm much less interested in interacting with my living child. Why waste my time playing or talking or doing things with my living child when, (and I know this is irrational), I'll probably just lose him too? And why subject him to a mother who is always missing the children she doesn't have.

Before anyone suggests it, yes, I'm in therapy (which, frankly makes me feel worse, because I have to talk and talk and talk about my sorrow) and I'm taking anti-depressants (which don't seem to be doing much good).

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby chrismommy » Mon Jan 15, 2007 08:36 pm

Everything that you are feeling is so normal. I have been where you are and still am. Even though I went on to have another son it still hurts so much. I'm still jealous of other parents who don't know how lucky they are to have a full term healthy baby. Keep your head up and know that when you come to this site there are people here that you can talk to and they know what you are going through.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby rosemary » Sat Jan 13, 2007 04:42 pm

I think that your feelings are quite normal and I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with all of this. It has been a bit over two years since my loss and I still have some hard times. A woman that I know just had a baby a few weeks ago, she is also a known drug addict. She brought her baby in for all to see and I couldn't bring myself to walk out to see the baby. While I am so happy that the little one was born healthy, I felt this anger welling up inside of me. It's moments like that which quicky remind me that life isn't fair. There is nothing in life that guarantees that children are born to fit parents only. Before I let myself get too angry that day, I stopped and looked at the photo of my dauhgter on my desk and smiled and remembered that while life has pounded me into the ground a few times, I was still blessed.

I am glad that you were able to find the strength to acknowledge your sister-in-laws birth. It is that strength that will help you through the worst of days and eventually let you find peace.

You are in my thoughts...

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby kelly1972 » Sat Jan 13, 2007 03:51 pm

I'm so sorry that you are having such a terrible time right now. Please continue to come to the forums as there are wonderful people here who want to help/support you. We all understand what you are going through. I lost my son 4yrs ago to pre-e and what a horrible experience it has been. Jealousy is normal and almost all of us I'm sure have suffered from it. I know how hard it is to see family members having healthy babies and no one knows what you are going through other that someone who has lived the * you are living. Please do continue to come and post and remember that anyone here is willing to help see you through this awful time. Take care and lots of hugs to you.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby froggie89 » Fri Jan 12, 2007 11:17 pm

Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you and hoping that you're doing okay. Hugs....

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