What do you say?

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : What do you say?

Postby sjs40 » Sun Mar 18, 2007 02:34 pm

I have had to answer this question in my new job, and took the decision to answer the question ' do you have a family' with 'not any more'. I find that if people want to know more they ask, and those that are uncomfortable with my response don't take it any further. It works for me. I always hated answering 'no' as I felt I was denying Ellie's existence.

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Re : What do you say?

Postby heatherbbb » Tue Feb 20, 2007 09:50 pm

My answer varies depending on the situation and who is asking. If the question is just someone being polite in passing, I may just say that I have a 2 year old at home. If I do say I have two, I usually follow up saying that my youngest is two and that we lost our first son at 5 months. I find that if I don't explain about Seth upfront, I'll have to explain it on the next follow up question. I agree with the many posts here which advise to say what feel comfortable and works for you. When I first lost Seth, I felt it was a betrayal to him not to count him. Now I feel comfortable in the knowledge that regardless of my answer, I know I love and miss him. I never forget him.

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Re : What do you say?

Postby duchess » Tue Feb 20, 2007 10:03 am

I usually say I have one daughter that's an angel or that passed away. It breaks my heart for people that know what happened to Madison to pretend she never existed. So how can I not acknowledge her when I'm asked if I have children? She will always be my daughter no matter if she was here on earth or in heaven.

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Re : What do you say?

Postby mrs.magdaleno » Thu Feb 15, 2007 06:46 pm

I always say that I have a son but he's in heaven. Sometimes I want them to ask for details because I want to raise awareness about PE. A few people whom I've told, had someone they knew who lost a child as well or had PE. It makes me feel like I'm honoring my son's life/death in a positive way.

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Re : What do you say?

Postby melissam » Wed Feb 14, 2007 00:30 am

I always tell people that I have 3 daughters. If I want to or they ask other questions I will tell them that Kelsi died a few days after she was born.

Everybody is different. For me, she is my daughter, she lived, she died and will always be acknowledged by me.

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Re : What do you say?

Postby froggie89 » Mon Feb 12, 2007 07:49 pm

When I'm asked that question, I almost always pause and try to decide how to answer. Do I tell them or not?? For me, it depends on who is asking and why. Just do what you feel is best for you and for that particular conversation.

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Re : What do you say?

Postby annes » Mon Feb 12, 2007 12:07 am

My dh is so good, he always says we have to sons, and one of them died shortly after birth. I am trying to be as good, because I feel awful when I say we only have one, so I am working on it.

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Re : What do you say?

Postby lalam17 » Mon Feb 12, 2007 12:01 am

I usually answer "not anymore." To me, the question means living children, and by answering not anymore, it puts it on them to either let it be, or question me further. Most people seem to figure out that it means I lost a child/children. I find that only sincere caring people seem to question me further, and I usually appreciate that. Those who would find the true explaination awkward seem to let it be, which works well for both sides. Since I am pregnant again, I also get asked if this is my first. My token answer to this is "I hope so." It can mean so many things. To me, it means the first baby I can bring home alive. To strangers, it means I am excited for my growing baby, but nervous about the many possible things that can go wrong. These answers have worked really well for me.

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Re : What do you say?

Postby caryn » Sun Feb 11, 2007 06:08 pm

FWIW, I would never have understood that "mother to an angel" meant that your baby had died, prior to reading these boards. But probably, as Denise says, most people in the USA are familiar with that usage.

I agree with everyone; it'd depend on your comfort level more than anything. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

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Re : What do you say?

Postby keneke68 » Sun Feb 11, 2007 05:20 pm

I say I am the mommie to an Angel. If they ask more questions I will answer but most people understand when I say that.

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