My story

[tinalowe]

First off I am so glad I found this site. I can't believe I haven't found it sooner as much time as I have spent researching eclampsia.

December 28, 2003 started out just like any other Sunday for me. My husband and I got ready and headed to my parents house. The only thing abnormal was that I was seeing a few spots in front of my eyes. I relaly didn't think anything about it. WE arrived at my parent snd I sat down to talk to my mama. Then I don't remeber anything until around 4am the next morning and I was in a hospital. I raised my head up and saw my husband asleep my mama was beside me. I felt something on my tummy and asked my mama what it was. She told me it was the bandage. I was like oh I had a c-section? She told me yes. Then I asked how's my baby? She started saying something about me having seizures and the umbilical cord being around her neck. I didn't even let her finish I just looked at her and started crying and asked she's dead? God, the devestation I felt. Later they explained to me that I start having seizures after I got to my parents. After, the ambulance got to the hospital the doctor did an ultrasound and there was no heart beat. My doctor believes that it was a combination of the seizures and the umbilical cord being around her neck that caused it. The thing they kept trying to tell me was that it wasn't my fault. Still, I couldn't help but wonder what if. I really had no symptoms until that morning. I had been to the doctor just 10 days before and everything was fine. I was 30 weeks and counting down the weeks until I would hold my baby in my arms. We already knew it was a girl. Although I said I didn't care what the baby was, a girl was what I wanted. I did get to hold her in my arms. She was just dead. This perfect little angel with my nose and chin and her daddy's mouth and a head full of blonde hair. My two biggest fears have always been that I couldn't have children and that I would lose one. I have lost a lot in my 22 years more than most people my age, but NOTHING compares to this. There's an emptiness inside of me. Fortunately I am not suffering from depression, just grief there is a difference. I had my 6 week checkup today. My doctor said I should wait 6 months before getting pregnant again. I don't know if I can. It is going to be so hard. I want SO badly to have something to look forward to again. I want another child more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. At the same time I am petrified that I will lose the next one too. It's worth the risk to me though. I will never forget my little Emma. (I didn't even get to go to her funeral. I don't know if I could have taken it anyhow.) But I want another so bad. I will grieve for Emma for the rest of my life, I know that. The pain will lessen but I will never really get over it.

In loving memory of
Emma Victoria Lowe

"Though a flower may not bloom, it our hearts we still know the beauty of its blossom."

[julie f]

Tina,

I am so so very sorry for the loss of your little girl.

I lost my son Zach almost seven months ago. The first months after his death were the loneliest in my life. I was so desperate, so desperate for something to help me understand, to give me peace, to show me how to live the rest of my life without my precious son. I too wanted to become pregnant again right away. I needed to be pregnant, I needed to be growing a baby, I needed something to get me through the next nine months, the next year, the next ten years... Two weeks after my son died I was at my OBs office and I asked her when we could start trying again, I told her I was ready. She also told us six months, at least. Six months seemed so far away, I did not think that I would survive that time - for the past 6 1/2 months my whole focus, my whole reason for being had been my son - now what would I fill these next empty six months with? Fortunately my doctor stepped in a bit. She said that I could use the next six months to learn everything I could about preeclampsia and get my body and mind in shape to go through this again. I did just that, I got back to the gym, I had several consults with high risk OBs, I scoured the internet for information and, I got involved here. The time has also helped to me to move forward. I have started to make peace with "normal" life, or my new version of it anyway. I will forever carry my son with me in my heart and with time, I find it easier to find hope for the future.

To be honest, I don't remember much of the first 3-4 months after Zach's death. I went through all the motions but I was so deep in my grief that all my interactions/obligations seemed purely superficial. Now, here I stand seven months later with the green-light to try but, not quite enough courage yet.

Anyway, I did not mean to go on about my experience, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, as much as it may feel like it right now. I will keep you in my prayers. Please keep us updated here on how you are doing.


Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Southern California Coordinator

[mada]

I am so Sorry for the loss of your precious Emma. I am sure your pain is unbearable. We are all here for you. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family. Sincerley, Mada

Mada Harpster

Sam 6-29-00 36weeks P.E.
Ben 11-03-01 No P.E.

[lisac]

Tina,

I am so sorry for the loss of your little Emma. Even though I went through the loss of my baby girl about one year ago, I still find it hard to find the right words to say when I hear of another mother having just lost a baby. I wish more than anything that there is something perfect that I could say to make the pain less.

I also felt guilty as a mother that my body failed my baby; I felt so helpless that I couldn't save her. Then I had to remind myself over and over again that I had absolutely no control over this situation. What happened to you was so sudden and unexpected, and you weren't even conscious. You literally woke up to the new reality that your baby was gone and you were no longer pregnant. There is nothing you could have done.

My immediate reaction after the loss was an intense urge to want to get pregnant again so that it would be as if I never really lost my baby. I think deep down I was scared of having to deal with the grieving process that I knew was ahead of me. While pregnant I had no idea how much love and bonding had already occurred between myself and this baby girl who I had never seen.

I also think it took a good six months to physically feel normal again. Preeclampsia/eclampsia obviously wreaks havoc on our body. I believe that a little time to heal can help you approach your next pregnancy from a much stronger place. Six months will really really fly. Before you know it, it will be Fall.

I'll be thinking of you, Tina, and your little angel, Emma. In the coming months, she will touch you in many ways. I am sure of this.

Hugs,
Lisa

[tinalowe]

Thank you for your posts. I have had ppl tell me that they know how I feel. I know they mean well, but they don't understand how I feel. Although I am sorry that ANY woman has had to go through the kind of devestation that I have it does help to hear from ppl who really know. This sight has actually been a blessing for me.

Tina