by julie f (7993 Posts), Thu Feb 12, 2004 11:45 pm
I am so so very sorry for the loss of your little girl.
I lost my son Zach almost seven months ago. The first months after his death were the loneliest in my life. I was so desperate, so desperate for something to help me understand, to give me peace, to show me how to live the rest of my life without my precious son. I too wanted to become pregnant again right away. I needed to be pregnant, I needed to be growing a baby, I needed something to get me through the next nine months, the next year, the next ten years... Two weeks after my son died I was at my OBs office and I asked her when we could start trying again, I told her I was ready. She also told us six months, at least. Six months seemed so far away, I did not think that I would survive that time - for the past 6 1/2 months my whole focus, my whole reason for being had been my son - now what would I fill these next empty six months with? Fortunately my doctor stepped in a bit. She said that I could use the next six months to learn everything I could about preeclampsia and get my body and mind in shape to go through this again. I did just that, I got back to the gym, I had several consults with high risk OBs, I scoured the internet for information and, I got involved here. The time has also helped to me to move forward. I have started to make peace with "normal" life, or my new version of it anyway. I will forever carry my son with me in my heart and with time, I find it easier to find hope for the future.
To be honest, I don't remember much of the first 3-4 months after Zach's death. I went through all the motions but I was so deep in my grief that all my interactions/obligations seemed purely superficial. Now, here I stand seven months later with the green-light to try but, not quite enough courage yet.
Anyway, I did not mean to go on about my experience, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, as much as it may feel like it right now. I will keep you in my prayers. Please keep us updated here on how you are doing.
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe
Southern California Coordinator