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Men & Grief

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

Men & Grief

Postby kiwi_susie » Sat Feb 21, 2004 07:46 pm

by kiwi_susie (41 Posts), Sat Feb 21, 2004 07:46 pm

It's been 2 years since our wee son passed away. I spent the first 6 months an emotional wreck, then began to function at about 1/2 speed. More recently, I've been in a much happier place (phew!).

My DH is really struggling though - he's told me that he's struggling with our baby's death & has been crying when he's by himself. He won't talk to me about how he's feeling and instead is burying himself in work & it feels as though he's pushing me out of his life.

Ladies, have you experienced a similar delayed grief response from your DHs? How did you cope?????

Darling wee Benjamin 12/14/01-01/2/02 (severe early onset PE @ 25wks)
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Re : Men & Grief

Postby jenn » Sun Feb 22, 2004 11:47 am

by jenn (2038 Posts), Sun Feb 22, 2004 11:47 am

Hi there.
My situation is a lot diff. Back in Dec. we miscarried. I was told to expect my husband to react very diff. which turned out to be very true. He was very supportive but very quiet about the matter. He still is. I can tell when he's having a hard time when he wears his necklace (we have cross necklaces that match our unborn baby's urn box) I take that as a sign to be supportive when I see him wear it.

I think it's really good that you have the communitaction with your husband and have the knowledge that he hurts even if it is in private.
My husband and I are now looking into therepy for all the things we have been through so we stay strong. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to suggest something like this with your honey to help. I wish you two the best and send my love.


Jennie
Mommy to:
Jaidyn 1.24.01 (30 wkr)
Severe PE
2lb. 12oz.

Heavenly Angel:
Blaze
12.6.03
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Re : Men & Grief

Postby lisac » Sun Feb 22, 2004 01:55 pm

by lisac (247 Posts), Sun Feb 22, 2004 01:55 pm

I found that initially the loss brought my husband and I very close together, but as the months passed my grief was tough for him to handle. Sometimes men like to think they can fix things, and it was scary for my husband when he saw that he still didn't have the old me back, and there was nothing he could do about it. I became resentful that he didn't express his feelings more. He was offended that I seemed to suggest that he wasn't affected by the loss. He got tired of constantly hearing about preeclampsia. So there have definitly been some challenging times. Most recently, he's told me that he thinks he still hasn't processed it fully because he was so focused on my feelings. (It's been over a year). When it comes to men and how they handle their emotions, it's completely uncharted territory. I suspect there may be many private moments of grief that he doesn't share with me. Since women are more comfortable expressing their emotions, grief may be extremely terrifying for men. The only way I can cope is to allow him to grieve in his own way on his own timeline. Couples therapy did help for a while too.
Susie-I'm glad to hear that you're in a much happier place now. I suppose it's good that your husband allows himself to cry. At least he's not suppressing his emotions. I hate to reference the "Men are from Mars Book...," but I think it says that men retreat when they have emotions to deal with; women reach out. I'm sorry for the loss of your darling, Benjamin. You spent a few precious weeks with him. It's amazing how quicky two years can fly by.
Lisa
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Re : Men & Grief

Postby angelkat » Sun Feb 22, 2004 06:43 pm

by angelkat (3423 Posts), Sun Feb 22, 2004 06:43 pm

I was so mad at my husband the first few weeks because as he was "trying" to stay strong for me it just seemed as if he was over the grief. It wasn't until Katlyne's first birthday that he wanted to say a few things and had this wonderful speech to give about our little girl. He could bearly read his own words as the tears were just flowing. Later after our balloon release we spent some time alone on the roof top garden of the hosptial where Katlyne spent her life. It was just wonderful how at that time we both were finally on the same page with our grief.

I am so sorry for your loss....


Hugs
~T

Mommy to
Drew(13)
Ky (11)
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03) and little bud (Due 09/11/04)http://www.forevernetwork.com/Archive/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=%2FArchives%2FMountHope&CFID=1089289&CFTOKEN=79068509
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Re : Men & Grief

Postby nunyobizniz5 » Mon Feb 23, 2004 02:01 pm

by nunyobizniz5 (30 Posts), Mon Feb 23, 2004 02:01 pm

Dear Susie;

I don't know. My husband has been terribly grumpy. This causes me alot more stress. I am almost to the point of just giving up. Our two sons are always being yelled at and if I say anything to him, he turns it around. It has been 5 months and 21 days and I am still trying to except it myself. I wasn't even able to be there when they had her funeral. I was coming out of the coma. I feel all alone not being able to express my feelings and I keep them inside so I can be strong for him and our family. Its really hard! Not to mention my husband now not only is going through this but we are waiting word to leave the State to attend his Uncle's death/funeral. He only has a day. Too much stress around here.

Good luck in finding what you need!
c.
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Re : Men & Grief

Postby kiwi_susie » Thu Feb 26, 2004 00:44 am

by kiwi_susie (41 Posts), Thu Feb 26, 2004 00:44 am

Hi Ladies,
Well, reading your posts was a tear jerker.... ;-)
I guess the conclusion that I drew from your experiences was that "we're okay" - maybe not entirely happy (funny that!), but it sounds as though the grief process for all of us isn't altogether that different... I didn't detect any perfect 'happy family' experiences, just a whole lot of people trying to work their way thru some horrendous stuff, and at the same time, try to maintain some semblence of normality - which I think really translates to trying to grasp onto someone's idea of how you used to be (yep Lisa - I've had that line from DH too).

Take very good care ladies. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts :-)

Darling wee Benjamin 12/14/01-01/2/02 (severe early onset PE @ 25wks)
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