I am so hurt and angry. . .

[amillhouse]

My husband e-mailed his father to find out more about some things that effect our medical history as we needed it to tell doctors as we learn about our risks in getting pregnant again - this is a ways down the line but I want to be informed now.

Well, thankfully he wrote back giving the information that we needed but he also added: "Be advised, each child birth and situation is different. There is no causal relationship between my children at birth and Isaiah. I'm sorry, there is nothing of a genetic nature to hang your hat on. All of my children are normal. . . I hope you and Anika would focus on getting back to normal or as close to it as possible."

Now I know he made these statements out of ignorance and not intending to hurt - but it hurt! My son died just under two weeks ago and I am hearing this from my father-in-law! Am I crazy to be this upset? Has anyone else had any experience with this type of misunderstanding from loved ones? It just makes me want to educate people even more. I wrote him back a long e-mail explaining more about pre-eclampsia. I also told him that I was hurt by what he said, which was big for me.

I don't know, it just really hurt.


Anika
Mommy to Isaiah (angel) 1/20/04 - 2/17/04
28 weeks 1 day gestation

[julie f]

Anika,

I'm so sorry for your father-in-law's comments. After a tragedy like this we see how many people speak without thinking... Sometimes, they even try and put thought into their words but, as they can't possibly comprehend what you're going through, it can still be hurtful. I too wish people were more educated, I now feel like it is my job to make that happen. My MIL has brought up seeing a nutrionist several times because maybe I wasn't eating the right things, friends have told me that if I would've weighed more, maybe Zach wouldn't have been so small... Everyone's remarks now all revolve around - I must think positive or I will end up willing preeclampsia to happen again... Ignorance is a dangerous thing, I believe it can truly change a relationship.

It is so hard to deal with, especially when it comes to family. It has taken me 8 months to learn how to politely smile (of course it is a kiss my buns smile [}:)]) and change the subject. My SIL just had a little baby boy last week and numerous times this week I have heard - "Well, Natalie (MIL) finally has her grandson..." and "Oh, it's so nice to finally have a little boy in the family..." Ouch.

Hang in there, I wish I could tell you that people learn what is appropriate and wasn't isn't, but, I'm still waiting... What is great though is that you're able to express your feelings when people do say hurtful things. That will help them learn and help them to know what might be more helpful comments.

Take care of yourself,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Southern California Coordinator

[jenn]

First of all I'm sending you my love!!! (((BIG HUG))) I'm sad to hear about the passing of your son.
Sometimes people say the worst things at the wrong time. I have had my fair share of it also.
I don't even know you, but I'm proud of you for standing up and letting him know how those words hurt you. In fact I'm envious - I should be more like that.
I no longer speak to my in laws since my daughter's birth because of their ignorance. ( let me add I tried to no end ) But that's not a good example. You did the right thing to help him to understand this illness and what it means for you, your family and the future of both.
So I may not be of much help. But I wanted to let you know the PE foundation members and myself care a lot about each other and share a ton of experiances. If you ever need a shoulder, ear, or friend - we're here for you.

Again, all my love and hug to you and your family!



Jennie
Mommy to:
Jaidyn 1.24.01 (30 wkr)
Severe PE
2lb. 12oz.

Heavenly Angel:
Blaze
12.6.03

[josiah1112]

Dear Anika,

I'm so sorry for you having to withstand comments like
that on top of losing your son. It's great that you were
able to educate your FIL about pre eclampsia, though.
People really need to know. I have been explaining pre eclampsia to different people.
I also had an awful experience with my aunt, the next day
after my son's passing. I went to see her and looked forward
to sharing about the baby. I started to tell her about his looks,
when she cut me off and said, that it was "good that I had
gotten a glimpse of what could have been" and that the good
thing was that we "knew about religion." I felt so hurt!!
Did this mean that just because I have a relationship with God
I would not hurt with the loss of my son? And then on top of
this she patted me in the hand and looked into my eyes and
told me "don't try that again." "You've already multiplied!"
It was all so heartless. I was stunned and so hurt from my
loss. Thank God my husband and mom are so supportive!!

Take Care of Yourself,
I've been thinking of you and your son Isaiah,

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03 - 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e

[amillhouse]

Thanks for your supportive responses. Unfortunately, my FIL couldn't see what he said wrong. I really had hoped that he would. But, we move forward in forgiveness. . .



Anika
Mommy to Isaiah (angel) 1/20/04 - 2/17/04
28 weeks 1 day gestation

[kdreher]

I just read your post and first off, I'm sorry that you lost your child. There is a reason why we are all here, but each of wishes the other didn't have to be. It is a shame that your FIL did not get what your point was in how he hurt you. I guess that can be a generation gap, huh! It was refreshing to read that you are moving forward in forgiveness. I feel very lucky because my family has been soo supportive. My sister is due to have her second baby (11 yrs apart) in May and I was the first person she told...though she was very scared to tell me for fear of hurting me. I love her for that! Nothing takes the pain away...but ignorant people only make you hurt more inside. We are not on speaking terms with my inlaws (long history of whys? between my dh and them) but I always had this gut feeling that one day, the alochol would get the best of them and my MIL would say something dumb. It is best that we are detached from them. Either way, kudos to you for standing up for your feelings and the memory of your child. Two weeks is still a very sensitive time. We are all here for times like this!

Kris (34)
DH, Tom (33)
Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks pe/HELLP)

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net or kstevens@cga.uscg.mil