6 Hard Months

[nunyobizniz5]

On March 2nd will be 6 months since I had experience HELLP Syndrome and the loss of our daughter. I am wondering when I will feel anything? I was coming out of my coma on the day she was to be buried. Everyone else got to say goodbye. Some of the ones that had been there are some of the meanist people in my life today! I feel very cheated and I am alittle upset. I hate the second of each month and I feel alot of stress building now until after that date then it starts at the end of the mth again. Did anyone feel this way? How can I get thru this when I am not allowed to look at the pics taken by the hospital and not suppose to mention that anything happened? I thought maybe someone out there has experienced alittle of these things to possibly help me out.

Thank You,
c.

[sweetiesuzy]

C~
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. It isn't fair that friends and family can be so cruel. I am sorry.

Dates are just hard - especially in the beginning. With time you will feel changes in many different ways. Your grief is so new. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve the way you need to. Just curious why you aren't allowed to look at the pictures of your baby? You shouldbe able to have them and look at them anytime you want. It may help you.

Big big hugs,

Suzanna

DS 3/25/95
DD 10/26/01 stillbirth
DS 12/30/02
AND ~ Peanut edd 8/6/04(It will be July)

[josiah1112]

Dear C,

I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time. It seems to
me that you just need to GRIEVE. Everyone does it on their
own pace, but it is something that needs to be done.
What do you mean that you are not allowed to look at your
child's pictures? or talk about her? if some people are
having a hard time with talking you need to let them know how
you feel. They may or may not get it but at least you would
have tried. You should be able to find at least 1 person to
talk to. I think you are also feeling a bit unresolved because
you were not able to be at your child's burial. Perhaps you
can do your own ceremony with your husband or some close
friends?
My husband and I have been going to a bereavement group and
the friendships with the women have been a source of inspiration
and encouragement to me. Maybe you would be interested in
checking out to see if they have a group like this in the hospital
that you delivered in? you may also want to look into
counseling. I have done it all and I must say that I am
feeling much more peace in my heart. On March the 4th
it will be 3 months since my son's death. Do I wish things were different? You bet!! but that is not something that is under my control. If you ever need to talk feel free to e- mail me.
Thinking of You,

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03 - 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e

[taras mom]

I'm so sorry for your loss! I'm also sorry you're not getting the support you need. Like me, you are the mom of a precious baby girl who died way too soon; that's part of your identity now, and the people in your life need to respect and accept that. How can you heal if you're surrounded by denial and indifference?

I don't know who's keeping those pictures from you (I'm getting mad just thinking about it!), but you have every right to see them. In my case, the NICU staff got a brand-new digital camera and took pictures of my little Tara. I wasn't sure I wanted them to take pictures at the time, but I'm SO glad they did. For a long time I couldn't bring myself to look at them, and for a while I felt compelled to look at them every day. Being able to look at them whenever I choose has been very helpful to me.

If none of your family and friends(?) will support you, I urge you to find a counselor who will, whether it's a professional therapist, a spiritual advisor, a social worker from the hospital, or whatever. This forum is a great place for encouragement and advice, but I think you also need someone to help you directly. You might need to limit your contact with some of these people, temporarily or permanently, if they are doing you more harm than good. You might feel a bit selfish or guilty, but you have every right to take care of yourself.

I have a suggestion: Have you visited the baby's grave site? Maybe you could take a special day just for you and your baby. Go to the grave and light candles, pray, or just talk to your little girl--whatever is most meaningful to you. Bring a cleric or go by yourself, but don't feel obligated to account for your whereabouts to anyone. Make sure it's all about you and her. She's your baby girl! What could be more important?

It does get easier with time, but as Gloria and Suzanna said, you need to grieve.

Carol (38)
DH Bill (40)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
The Mightiest Little Angel

[julie f]

C-

I am so sorry for your loss. I think grieving happens so differently for everyone and I know with me, my feelings/outlook/perspective/grief can change from day to day. There are days that are unbearable and days that I can look toward the future with hope.

I am sorry that you didn't get to say goodbye, that is so unfair. I am very protective with the memories and experiences of my son. I was the last one to be able to see him, family members have numerous pictures of him, they remember things that the doctors said that I don't... Right or wrong, I am very jealous of all of that and get very angry that they have "pieces" of my son's life that I'll never have. I think you have every right to feel cheated. You were denied life's greatest miracle and all that goes with it. I am so sorry for that.

Why are you not able to see the pictures?

I think meeting with a support group or counselor would be a very good move, being in a supportive environment can help so so much. And, I second and third Carol's suggestion of going to the cemetery. It's a very special time for me to be there all by myself with my son.

Please take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Southern California Coordinator

[nunyobizniz5]

Why is the big question as to seeing my daughters pictures. I had seen them two times since all of this has happened. They were done by the hospital. Some are very upsetting. They were taken as if she was still alive. With plastic teddy bear and some were I would guess they tried to make it look as if she was sucking her finger but her lip is pulled down and looks awful. The only one I loved was of her laying on her stomach, not a close-up shot and it looks as if she was asleep. These pics. were put into a storage tub with a lid and put up because my husband doesnt want it around. When I finally got home from the hospital I really thought that nothing had been taken care of, like the baby bed still up and all. Well it was gone! Everything was gone! I didnt get to help out! I was cheated in everything. And everyone is acting as if nothing as happened. I was also told to go on with my life, leave the past in the past. I am now trying to start the loss process. Very confusing.

Thank you all who has written in concern!
c.

[amillhouse]

I really encourage you to do whatever you need to do or think you need to do to heal. If it means taking all the stuff back out and only putting it up again when you're ready - then do it. Whatever you can think of that you think might help you, then do it. We watched Isaiah die and after they removed all the tubes and that, we kissed him, higged him everything. The day of the funeral, I bathed Isaiah, kissed him some more, took photos and could care less of what anybody thought. When my DH asked if I wanted him to put all his gifts away, I said leave them and I would take care of them. I put his things up in the closet today - on my own terms. I really feel this is our right as the mommy. I know you don't have the ability to do some of the things that I did but you are the mommy, and you are an adult. Please in whatever you need to do to heal yourself and remember your child and don't let anyone stop you. Yes, they think they are doing the right thing and are probably well-intentioned. But in the long run you will be a better, healing person if you take control of your healing.

Anika
Mommy to Isaiah (angel) 1/20/04 - 2/17/04
28 weeks 1 day gestation

[julie f]

C-

I misunderstood about the pictures, I thought that someone was keeping you from being able to ever see them.

I'm sorry that everything was gone when you got home. I know my family wanted to do that too but, it was really important to me that they leave it all and fortunately they did.. Everyone is trying to do what they think is best and no one really knows...

It is very important that you are able to go through the grief process. You have lost the most precious thing, it is absurd that you be expected to go on as normal. Unfortunately, it's just easier for nearly everyone else around you if you go back to "normal" so, that is what they encourage of you. I don't mean to sound like I think others don't care - they do and very much - it's just that when you can't fix the problem, you just want it to go away, know what I mean? I would really recommend finding someone you can talk about this with, whether it be a pastor, a counselor, husband, etc. You need an outlet.

Thinking of you,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Southern California Coordinator

[kdreher]

C-
Your words touched me in regards to the pictures and baby items that you didn't get to take part in putting away. My ex-MIL had taken some polaroids and I wish I had more pictures. Luckily, Tyler was still in the NICU. My week in ICU was very cloudy because I was on magnesium sulfate so I don't remember alot...but I was clear headed the day I held Tyler to say goodbye. It took me almost 6 yrs before I took out his pictures again, I had kept them locked in a foot locker with all his things from the hospital. Finally, I took one out and made an 8 x 10 of it and now hang it on my bedroom wall. That is his special place. Have you thought of doing something like that or is to much for your husband?

Everyone does grieve at different paces, but it sounds like you are going through that now...and I'm sorry you were not given the chance to do things for yourself, concering your baby. I know it was hard for my family to see me through returning items and telling me a suprise bday party for my dad was really my baby shower. Sometimes families think they have the right intentions.

I wish you all the best and support in healing your broken heart.

Kris (34)
DH, Tom (33)
Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks pe/HELLP)

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net or kstevens@cga.uscg.mil

[taras mom]

I'm with Anika. You should be able to do whatever you need to do or have whatever you need to have. If your husband doesn't want to see the pictures (very understandable!), he doesn't have to. You could keep them in your dresser drawer or a keepsake box. Whatever you choose to keep around to remember your little girl, I'm sure you can find a way that won't be a painful reminder to your husband; after all, baby things are small. My husband put away our big baby things before I left the hospital, but I didn't mind because we have a keepsake box that holds pictures and ultrasounds, newborn hats and booties, her hospital bracelet, and other mementos. It's in a place where we can both go through it if we want or avoid it if we're not in the mood.

Carol (38)
DH Bill (40)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
The Mightiest Little Angel