This is one I am really struggling with! I am 40yrs old, and have pcos with fertility problems. When I was married we went through all the tests, Clomid etc but nothing worked so we were referred for IVF/ICSI and were saving the money. We divorced before we tried the ICSI so when I met Chris I told him that I couldnt conceive without medical help, and due to changed financial circumstances we could not have afforded to pay for treatment now. We resigned ourselves to probably remaining childless.
At the end of 2002 we decided to see what would happen if we let nature take its course... early in Feb I realised that af was particularly late (my cycles are long and unpredictable), I did a test and it was positive! My long awaited baby had happened all by herself.
I couldnt relax at all as I knew that pcos gave a higher risk for miscarriage, but apart from some bleeding at 8 wks I was still pregnant... At 12 wks a nuchal scan gave a 1 in 29 risk of Down syndrome but we declined further testing due to risk of miscarriage and the fact that we wouldnt have terminated anyway. At 20 wks I got gestational diabetes complete with insulin 3 times a day, then at 26+4 I was admitted to hospital with severe pe and Ellie arrived at 27wks weighing just 1lb 4oz and with Down syndrome.
Ellie fought so hard to stay with us, she never needed ventilation and was just concentrating on growing. Ellie got ill at 25 days old and died of NEC and renal failure caused by it at 27 days old.
I thought I couldnt ever be pregnant, then Ellie arrived. Although I know that I couldnt help anything that happened, I feel so guilty that Ellie had so much to cope with in her short life, and find it particularly hard that the infection that killed her is one that is most common in tiny preemies. We can never replace Ellie, she was our miracle baby, but I feel that if we do not try again we are somehow doing her a great injustice. Its difficult to explain.....we were/are parents when we thought we couldnt be, and to not try again almost feels as though we are saying we have been there and it didnt work out so we will give up now.
The other problem is that we can see it all happening again and that is so scary. I have been told that I would be seen every week by the high risk unit at the hospital, but even that is not totally reassuring - it just means that they will be more aware of what is happening.
Time is the major issue if we do try again, Ellie was born 2 days after my 40th birthday, and we will not even consider trying again until after her 1st birthday. For obvious reasons we cannot leave it much longer either.
Sorry that is such a long post...there is so much going on in my head right now about all of this. I know you will totally understand as you are going through the same thoughts and fears.
DD Eleanor Susan (Ellie)
born at 27wks severe PE
24 July 03 - 20 August 03