Are You a Mother?

[amillhouse]

Hi, All:

First, I want to say that being on this forum has helped me so much. I am still in the midst of a lot of sorrow - this is one of the places I can come for comfort and support. Thanks to all you courageous women!

I have been thinking a lot about mother's day. Isaiah's due would have been 12 April with mother's day just around the corner. It makes me sad to think about it and I wonder how I am going to feel.

My first thought was that I am no longer a mommy - but now I am starting to think differently. Though I knew Isaiah for such a short time (4 weeks) the thing that made him so very special is that he made me a mommy - what an honour! I just want to know from other first-time mommies who lost their babies - do you still feel that you are a mommy? The thing is, if our babies had grown up and then died later on, no one would ever question if we were mommies. For example I am an American living in South Africa, so only my mother got to meet Isaiah when she was here, but I can tell that for others who never met him, Isaiah doesn't seem that real to them. When you lose a baby who dies so young, stillborn, etc., I think we tend to not see ourselves as mommies. I think that I AM a mommy. I see how my heart and perspective on life has truly changed for the better because of the short but beautiful existence of my son. I feel that it is WITHIN me to be a mommy now. I feel like I MUST have children (whether in trying again OR adoption). This is part of who I am now and the void and grief that I feel is partly because it seems that I can no longer achieve this.

I guess I should say we shouldn't judge each other for our responses but maybe just have a chance to share our feelings about this, if you wish.


Anika
Mommy to Isaiah (angel) 1/20/04 - 2/17/04
28 weeks 1 day gestation

[kimb]

I am still a mommy even though my little boy is in heaven. I know what you mean about others who weren't there not seeing our children as "real" - I have been battling that feeling a lot surrounding my brother and sister. They live halfway across the country and didn't see me while I was pregnant and not until 7 months after I lost William - when I finally when back because I needed to deal with that part of the greif process. I'm not sure what I expected from them - but I got nothing - they acted like everything was as before. I finally had to make them sit down and talk with me the night before we left.

I have already told my husband though - that I am not doing the traditional mothers day we usually do with family. I can't bear it this year. I will do something special for me in rememberance of Will - but I can't celebrate.


Kim 35
William Michael - my angel - pe/HELLP 7/7/03

[josiah1112]

Hi Anika,

Thanks for posting. I'm glad the forum is helping you, but
don't forget how much YOU help the rest of us grieving mothers
as well.
We ARE mommies. Nobody can ever take that away from us. Of
course we wish our babies were here with us so that we could see
them grow, but we have all experienced the frustration of wanting
to give our lives to protect our babies, and not being able to...
Mother's Day was a painful thought when I lost my son. The days
ahead of me seemed so endless and unbearable. How will I get through?
I would ask myself? I have decided (and I know my husband will support me) that I will celebrate Mother's Day with my mom. I do not think I will even go to church on this Sunday, because I think it would be too hard for me. I think it would be too hard to see
other moms with their babies on a day like Mother's Day.
I think we have to do what we find the most helpful to us at that
time.

Take Care,
Thinking of You...

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03 - 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e

[tinalowe]

Anika,

First off I want to say that I am sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.

As to your question, yes I definitely think of myself as a mommy. My little Emma was stillborn at 30 weeks. I knew I was pregnant from six weeks on. I think that was probably the happiest time of my life. I was in love with her from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I remember when I was bout ten weeks I woke up and was bleeding. I was so scared the only thought in my mind was that I had miscarried. My husband and I were scared to death. I already felt bonded with her and it grew throughout my pregnancy. She was my baby. I haven't had any problems with people in my life saying anything about my husband and I not being parents. My due date was yesterday and it was hard. I kept thinking I should have a healthy little baby in my arms right now. I don't know how others on here feel, but I don't regret having been pregnant with her. My health recovered very quickly thankfully. i also never suffered very much with the ecclampsia itself. I never knew anything was wrong until I woke up in the hospital after a c-section (I started having seizures so there's a blank). I loved her so much and I thank God for the blessing He gave me, she changed my life forever. We plan on trying to have more children, but I will always think of Emma as my first (because she was).

Tina

Emma Victoria stillborn December 28, 2003 @ 30weeks

[taras mom]

We are moms indeed! I couldn't bring myself to celebrate Mother's Day last year, but this year I will.

Carol (38)
DH Bill (40)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
The Mightiest Little Angel

[amillhouse]

Thanks for all the positive comments, ladies, and I hope there are more coming. I just feel strongly that there must be women reading this who don't feel like mommies because of their loss. If you are out there, know that WE ARE ALL MOMMIES and we celebrate YOU and your child/children!

Anika
Mommy to Isaiah (angel) 1/20/04 - 2/17/04
28 weeks 1 day gestation

[sharonda]

I did not think about myself as a mommy until I read your post. When I talk about my loss, I refer to her as my daughter or Amaya. Sometimes people look at me funny like I said a bad word. It helps me to think of her as a part of my life. I feel a sense of warmth when I think that I AM a mommy. I am not sure about mother's day though. Going to church is not an option (too many babies, children and mommies) but celebrating the day may be nice.

I am buying a ring with Amaya's birthstone in it and I am placing her memory box on a shelf in my bedroom along with her stuffed animal. This will help me, too.

Thanks so much for your post.

[amillhouse]

Thanks, and I am glad the post helped you. In thinking about Mother's Day, has anyone heard of the company God's Little Ones? It is a Christian woman who makes dolls - she can make a memory doll for you thaty looks like your child. You send her pictures, size and everything. You have to see the website. It is amazing. I am not sure I am going to do it - I don't know how would feel to see Isaiah in a doll form. I am still thinking about it. Anyway they are not accepting new orders until May. It's amazing how I found this website. I was doing a search so I could send my mom an article on the unique grief on baby loss and this site came up. Take a look. http://www.godslittleones.homestead.com/

Anika (32, severe pre-e)
Mommy's Angel Boy: Isaiah (1/20/04 - 2/17/04)
Born at 28 weeks 1 day gestation weighing 610 grams

[josiah1112]

Wow Anika!

I checked out the web site and it is truly amazing. I think
I will do it in the future!

Take Care,

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03 - 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e

[sharonda]

I went to Build-A-Bear this week. I saw this on Oprah and thought it would be a good idea. You pick out the teddy bear and then they stuff it. You put a heart in it and they sew it up for you. You get to pick out clothes and you even get to name it. They gave me a birth certificate too. I picked out angel wings and named my bear after my daughter. It was therapeutic for me. I cried a little and after I told the cashier about the importance of the bear, she gave me a hug. I look at the bear morning and smile.