by amillhouse (587 Posts), Mon Mar 08, 2004 05:58 am
First, I want to say that being on this forum has helped me so much. I am still in the midst of a lot of sorrow - this is one of the places I can come for comfort and support. Thanks to all you courageous women!
I have been thinking a lot about mother's day. Isaiah's due would have been 12 April with mother's day just around the corner. It makes me sad to think about it and I wonder how I am going to feel.
My first thought was that I am no longer a mommy - but now I am starting to think differently. Though I knew Isaiah for such a short time (4 weeks) the thing that made him so very special is that he made me a mommy - what an honour! I just want to know from other first-time mommies who lost their babies - do you still feel that you are a mommy? The thing is, if our babies had grown up and then died later on, no one would ever question if we were mommies. For example I am an American living in South Africa, so only my mother got to meet Isaiah when she was here, but I can tell that for others who never met him, Isaiah doesn't seem that real to them. When you lose a baby who dies so young, stillborn, etc., I think we tend to not see ourselves as mommies. I think that I AM a mommy. I see how my heart and perspective on life has truly changed for the better because of the short but beautiful existence of my son. I feel that it is WITHIN me to be a mommy now. I feel like I MUST have children (whether in trying again OR adoption). This is part of who I am now and the void and grief that I feel is partly because it seems that I can no longer achieve this.
I guess I should say we shouldn't judge each other for our responses but maybe just have a chance to share our feelings about this, if you wish.
Mommy to Isaiah (angel) 1/20/04 - 2/17/04
28 weeks 1 day gestation