Difficult Day

[amillhouse]

Today was a really difficult day. It has become the norm for me to stay in bed until the late morning. My first thought when I wake up is "Isaiah is dead" and then I have absolutely no desire to get up. So today started that way. I came downstairs and my husband wanted us to start working on a project. I said okay but two minutes into it I was crying my eyes out. He always holds me and tells me it's okay - he's amazing. Anyway, I then excused myself, got back in the bed and proceeded to cry and cry. I just miss my baby sooo much. You know, I am Type A so I had his whole life planned out [:D]- and now everything just stopped. I keep seeing his little face and his little eyes looking up at me. His littel fingers clinging to my index finger. It wasn't supposed to be this way - it just wasn't! It's hard to say what I wish for. If I say I wish he was still in hospital he would be all tubed up and still not home with us and I still would be crying. So my biggest wish is that he could just still be inside of me - growing, that I would have had an womb environment that would have been safe for him. That his growth wouldn't have been soo restricted. Sometimes I feel like I killed him because my body just couldn't be what he needed. I just cannot seem to get to the point of believing that this really happened. WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END? I sat in the hospital for 4 1/2 weeks because the docs said 27 weeks would be more viable. So I asked God for 27 weeks. I got it and then some. BUT ISAIAH STILL DIDN'T MAKE IT! WHY?!?!? Why didn't I know about this? I made it a point to try and know everything I could, doing the right things, eating the right things - and then this. Why didn't my mother ever tell me that she had PIH until I was ALREADY in hospital? Why didn't I know that my MIL had pre-e symptoms with my BIL who was a preemie? Why didn't I know that I needed to know all of these things? ALL I can do is just shake my head and cry. This is the most painful thing that I have ever experienced in my life. I am so grateful for this Forum because I have few outlets with which to express myself. My friends in the U.S. are too far away. My friends here are soo sweet but really don't get it. And in the middle of this I believe that part of my role is to help someone else who is going through this - and maybe this rant will help someone else who doesn't feel they can express themselves. I don't know. God knows what He is doing but I don't know what He is doing and I am not going to kid myself into believing that I do or that I am happy about it. I am not happy about this and I don't know how I ever will be. I don't know how I will ever get over this - how do I get over my firstborn son? I don't even want to! How will this get better? Am I going to have to go through this again and put a child through this again. Is it worth it? Is it safe? Will my plan - losing weight, vitamins, Omega 3/6 - work to prevent this? How will I feel towards another baby? Will I be through this grief by then? What if I am not? How will I cope? There are just so many questions in my head and no answers and it keeps me in tears. Anyway, it's 3am here. I am going to try and sleep. I don't expect anyone to respond to this but you are welcomed to. I just needed to get these feelings out in the universe.


Anika (32, severe pre-e)
Mommy's Angel Boy: Isaiah (1/20/04 - 2/17/04)
Born at 28 weeks 1 day gestation weighing 610 grams

[mada]

Anika,
I can't imagine how you feel, although I can feel your pain in your words and I am so sorry. I would be feeling all the things you are feeling right now too. I pray you find some peace and that you are able to get through this difficult time. I don't think you will ever get over your first born, I don't know how you would. I have a friend who lost her first son at birth and she said that with time, she healed and she went on to have 2 girls. She loves them and is very happy, but she will always have a special place in her heart for Finn. Big hugs to you and healing energy you way.

Mada Harpster

Sam 6-29-00 36weeks P.E.
Ben 11-03-01 No P.E.

[angelkat]

Everything I keep writing to you, I erase and start all over again. Losing a child is the hardest thing we will ever face. The process of healing is one of time, and tons of pain. There are days even now, that I want to stay in bed BUT then I feel this cool breeze on my shoulder and know that Katlyne is right there next to me. No body can tell you when it will get easier but it will. We never forget each and every detail of our child and I dream each and every day of what she would look like now. I have been so angry at the Lord for taken Katlyne from us but know that she is in a better place one that she no longers needs a machine to breathe, one where she is in total peace. Healing takes time.... If you need to talk or chat please feel free to e-mail me...

Hugs
~T

Mommy to
Drew(13)
Ky (11)
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03) and little bud (Due 09/11/04)http://www.forevernetwork.com/Archive/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=%2FArchives%2FMountHope&CFID=1089289&CFTOKEN=79068509

[shonia]

I feel your pain. And i do know how you feel. I am so sorry about your little boy. I am now 29 years old and i lost my first born little girl, Savana, in Oct. of 2003. Even typing her name brings tears to my eyes. I am like you, i have never experienced such pain in my life, in fact i didn't know such pain existed. I also still lay in bed until almost lunch, i can't seem to find the point or importance in anything around me anymore. However, i am now pregnant again, i am almost 3 mos. Yes, that was quick. We weren't really trying, but it's okay. I love being pregnant, I just hate the outcome of the first one. I do know one thing, we cannot live our lives in fear. We will never understand what happened to our children. God is so much smarter than i. I remember people would tell me to trust in God and i didn't know how to trust someone who allowed my child to be taken away from me. I am a devote Christian and this still shook me to the core. I know God is love and in His masterplan all will come full circle. But, it is very hard for us humans, expecially mothers, to even try or want to come to grips with something this awful. I want you to know i care. And i know how hard it is to live now, But i think of how much i love my mother and how i want her to be happy. Do you not think your little boy would want his mother to be the happiest she could be? Live for him, live for your husband, live for tomorrow and all the joy that it may hold. Your friend, Shonia

quote:

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Originally posted by amillhouse

Today was a really difficult day. It has become the norm for me to stay in bed until the late morning. My first thought when I wake up is "Isaiah is dead" and then I have absolutely no desire to get up. So today started that way. I came downstairs and my husband wanted us to start working on a project. I said okay but two minutes into it I was crying my eyes out. He always holds me and tells me it's okay - he's amazing. Anyway, I then excused myself, got back in the bed and proceeded to cry and cry. I just miss my baby sooo much. You know, I am Type A so I had his whole life planned out [:D]- and now everything just stopped. I keep seeing his little face and his little eyes looking up at me. His littel fingers clinging to my index finger. It wasn't supposed to be this way - it just wasn't! It's hard to say what I wish for. If I say I wish he was still in hospital he would be all tubed up and still not home with us and I still would be crying. So my biggest wish is that he could just still be inside of me - growing, that I would have had an womb environment that would have been safe for him. That his growth wouldn't have been soo restricted. Sometimes I feel like I killed him because my body just couldn't be what he needed. I just cannot seem to get to the point of believing that this really happened. WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END? I sat in the hospital for 4 1/2 weeks because the docs said 27 weeks would be more viable. So I asked God for 27 weeks. I got it and then some. BUT ISAIAH STILL DIDN'T MAKE IT! WHY?!?!? Why didn't I know about this? I made it a point to try and know everything I could, doing the right things, eating the right things - and then this. Why didn't my mother ever tell me that she had PIH until I was ALREADY in hospital? Why didn't I know that my MIL had pre-e symptoms with my BIL who was a preemie? Why didn't I know that I needed to know all of these things? ALL I can do is just shake my head and cry. This is the most painful thing that I have ever experienced in my life. I am so grateful for this Forum because I have few outlets with which to express myself. My friends in the U.S. are too far away. My friends here are soo sweet but really don't get it. And in the middle of this I believe that part of my role is to help someone else who is going through this - and maybe this rant will help someone else who doesn't feel they can express themselves. I don't know. God knows what He is doing but I don't know what He is doing and I am not going to kid myself into believing that I do or that I am happy about it. I am not happy about this and I don't know how I ever will be. I don't know how I will ever get over this - how do I get over my firstborn son? I don't even want to! How will this get better? Am I going to have to go through this again and put a child through this again. Is it worth it? Is it safe? Will my plan - losing weight, vitamins, Omega 3/6 - work to prevent this? How will I feel towards another baby? Will I be through this grief by then? What if I am not? How will I cope? There are just so many questions in my head and no answers and it keeps me in tears. Anyway, it's 3am here. I am going to try and sleep. I don't expect anyone to respond to this but you are welcomed to. I just needed to get these feelings out in the universe.


Anika (32, severe pre-e)
Mommy's Angel Boy: Isaiah (1/20/04 - 2/17/04)
Born at 28 weeks 1 day gestation weighing 610 grams

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shonia burch

[julie f]

Anika,

I wish I could offer you some words of comfort.

I don't remember much about the first 3 months after Zach died. I was always exhausted and in bed, although I could not sleep. I would get in bed around midnight and lie there until my husband came home (works nights) and even then I would not sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes, I was back in the hospital, back in the NICU and then at my son's funeral. I suppose I would fall asleep sometime in the early morning and would get out of bed well after 1 or 2 in the afternoon, rarely did I even get out of my jammies. There were also days of complete denial - I could have dinners with friends, I could go shopping - for the life of me though, I can't make any sense out of that time, it is all a blur. At times I feel like I tried so hard to be "normal" for everyone else that I did myself more harm than good by venturing back into the "real" world at their pace and not mine.

There are so many unknowns and so many what if's and why's? Please know that you couldn't not have prevented this or done anything differently - you were a wonderful mommy to your son, you still are, and you will be a wonderful mommy to your future children - you truly know just what a miracle they are.

I have to tell myself a million times a day that God does not make mistakes and though I'll never understand why He wanted to take my son home so soon, there is a bigger plan. There is no reason good enough for me so, I have stopped asking the question, why? I pray for us all every night, for our babies that are in heaven, our babies that are here and for this Foundation.

Please take care,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Southern California Coordinator