Originally posted by amillhouse
Today was a really difficult day. It has become the norm for me to stay in bed until the late morning. My first thought when I wake up is "Isaiah is dead" and then I have absolutely no desire to get up. So today started that way. I came downstairs and my husband wanted us to start working on a project. I said okay but two minutes into it I was crying my eyes out. He always holds me and tells me it's okay - he's amazing. Anyway, I then excused myself, got back in the bed and proceeded to cry and cry. I just miss my baby sooo much. You know, I am Type A so I had his whole life planned out [:D]- and now everything just stopped. I keep seeing his little face and his little eyes looking up at me. His littel fingers clinging to my index finger. It wasn't supposed to be this way - it just wasn't! It's hard to say what I wish for. If I say I wish he was still in hospital he would be all tubed up and still not home with us and I still would be crying. So my biggest wish is that he could just still be inside of me - growing, that I would have had an womb environment that would have been safe for him. That his growth wouldn't have been soo restricted. Sometimes I feel like I killed him because my body just couldn't be what he needed. I just cannot seem to get to the point of believing that this really happened. WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END? I sat in the hospital for 4 1/2 weeks because the docs said 27 weeks would be more viable. So I asked God for 27 weeks. I got it and then some. BUT ISAIAH STILL DIDN'T MAKE IT! WHY?!?!? Why didn't I know about this? I made it a point to try and know everything I could, doing the right things, eating the right things - and then this. Why didn't my mother ever tell me that she had PIH until I was ALREADY in hospital? Why didn't I know that my MIL had pre-e symptoms with my BIL who was a preemie? Why didn't I know that I needed to know all of these things? ALL I can do is just shake my head and cry. This is the most painful thing that I have ever experienced in my life. I am so grateful for this Forum because I have few outlets with which to express myself. My friends in the U.S. are too far away. My friends here are soo sweet but really don't get it. And in the middle of this I believe that part of my role is to help someone else who is going through this - and maybe this rant will help someone else who doesn't feel they can express themselves. I don't know. God knows what He is doing but I don't know what He is doing and I am not going to kid myself into believing that I do or that I am happy about it. I am not happy about this and I don't know how I ever will be. I don't know how I will ever get over this - how do I get over my firstborn son? I don't even want to! How will this get better? Am I going to have to go through this again and put a child through this again. Is it worth it? Is it safe? Will my plan - losing weight, vitamins, Omega 3/6 - work to prevent this? How will I feel towards another baby? Will I be through this grief by then? What if I am not? How will I cope? There are just so many questions in my head and no answers and it keeps me in tears. Anyway, it's 3am here. I am going to try and sleep. I don't expect anyone to respond to this but you are welcomed to. I just needed to get these feelings out in the universe.
Anika (32, severe pre-e)
Mommy's Angel Boy: Isaiah (1/20/04 - 2/17/04)
Born at 28 weeks 1 day gestation weighing 610 grams
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