My Birthday was horrible.

[sharonda]

I had a horrible week. I feel guilty celebrating my birthday when my daughter will never have one. I can't stop crying. It started on March 1st. It just hit me. Amaya will never have a birthday. I did not think I was going to make it through my birthday (March 3rd). My husband made me leave the house and we went to my favorite restaurant. I made it through dinner but around 2 am I started crying again. Today is the first day that I did not break down. I am so frustrated and angry.[:(!] I am trying to find a therapist but I cannot find anyone that is available. I have used so many tissues that my nose is sore. My husband and my mother are so worried about me. I thought that I was handling everything until now. I know that "time heals all wounds" but I can't wait for time. I hate seeing pregnant women. I feel so jealous. Why them and not me? Why do I have to suffer? I am a good person. What makes this so hard is that I work with children. I go back to work in two weeks and I have to learn to cope or find another job. I can't be teaching a lesson and break down and cry in the classroom. I also work with pregnant teens. They sent me a card and it made me angry. How can a 16 year old girl have a baby and I can't. I know that I am being ridiculous but these thoughts keep running through my mind. I feel bad for feeling this way.

I know that I am rambling but I had to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening (reading).

[josiah1112]

Dear ShaRonda:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think that everything that you are
feeling is very normal. Give yourself the time you need to cry
and grieve for your daughter. Is there any way that you could
take additional time off from work? I also work with children and after losing my son I could not go back. I do believe that I will
go back to teaching in the future, but I could not do it now. I also
did a lot of questioning- I have such a good reputation as a teacher
and I would ask God why I am so good with other people's children
but couldn't keep or take care of my own. I felt so betrayed by
God. How could this happen??!! But as you know, life is not fair.
And bad things happen to all people. Not just those who bring it
upon themselves. Please feel free to e-mail me through the forum whenever you like. Talking to other people in my same situation has helped me tremendously.

Take Care of Yourself,

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03 - 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e

PS I was at a restaurant with friends and and there was an old
lady celebrating her 91st birthday. She looked so good. I remember
thinking aloud- and telling everyone at the table- How does God
determine that? She gets to live so long and my baby only lived
22 days.

[sjs40]

Dear ShaRonda
You have just voiced my fears re your birthday...I spent my 40th birthday in hospital and Ellie was born 2 days later. She lived for 27 days. My birthday will never feel the same again being so closely connected with Ellie's birthday, and I also worry about how it will feel when I get to the next 'big' birthdays, as Ellie would have been 10/20 etc. I can totally understand how you felt on your birthday, as I am sure others will too. Everything you are feeling is normal, so don't feel bad about it.
Take care
Sue

Sue (40)
Chris (37)
DD Eleanor Susan (Ellie)
born at 27wks severe PE
24 July 03 - 20 August 03

[calliesmom]

Reading your post was like looking into my own heart. I have had EVERY feeling you have had during the past four months. I found that it did help to come to the forum just to know I wasn't alone, or that my feelings were selfish.

I too feel awful when I see a pregant woman or a baby. The feelings can be so overwhelming.

I too feel incredible anger and resentment. Why me?

I too feel indescribably sad.

All of your feelings are normal, and my heart just aches for you. I lost my daughter in November, but it feels like yesterday EVERY day.

I know it is difficult to get to a counselor, but if nothing else, please continue to share your feelings here. We all understand.

If you need to talk further, please feel free to email me at dchilders_1@yahoo.com anytime.

Take care,

Callie's Mom

[julie f]

I am so sorry for what you're going through.

Please know though, that you are absolutely entitled to have these feelings. You have no reason to feel ridiculous or bad, you are coping with more than any person should ever have to bear. Time does help to heal but, I sometimes wonder how many eternities it will take.

I lost my son in July and my birthday was this past February. It was horrible. I wanted a quiet dinner with my husband but, my family really wanted to get together for dinner. Turns out, my family had planned a surprise party. I know they meant the best and I appreciate what they were trying to do but, it was a very long party and exhausting to be excited about celebrating the past year and a new year without my son. I think these traditions help everyone around us to heal and feel better because they really do look at it as a turning point for your grief. (New Year - "2004 is going to be a great year for you, I just know it, time to look forward and not back..." or Birthday - "This is going to be a great year for you, before you're 28 you'll be holding a baby in your arms... etc.)

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Southern California Coordinator

[kimb]

Your feelings are all very valid. I too have trouble with other pregnant women and seeing babies everywhere. My boss and his wife are due EXACTLY 40 weeks from the day I lost William. I knew it was close - but last week when I noticed that - it put me over the edge yet again.

I lost my son on July 7th and my birthday was Sept 7th. It was extremely difficult. I wanted some normality to the day - but instead I didn't get a present from my inlaws because they didn't want to give their daughter a gift in July because she takes so much money fom them anyway - so they then didn't want to give me anything to make her feel bad. It wasn't getting a gift that mattered - it was the reason. It was also the day my best friend finally decided to break down about losing Will - which in a way was horrible and in a way was a gift - because she hadn't been able to see him as a little boy - she had nicknamed him Jellybean and then felt guilty about haven given him the nickname. She didn't want to look at his pictures - but agreed to look at one of his hands. And she finally got to see he was a little boy. And he will always be my little boy.

Ramble any time you need - as you can see you'll soemtimes get a ramble in reply! Take care of yourself

Kim 35
William Michael - my angel - pe/HELLP 7/7/03

[sharonda]

Hello Ladies! Thank you for your replies. I did not think that anyone would respond. I LOVE coming to this site. I feel so... understood.
Guess what happened to me? Some of the students that I teach sent me flowers for my birthday (only a week late). They are so beautiful. They also sent me a card saying how much they missed me. It made me feel so good. The teacher wrote in the card that I have to hurry back to work because the students need me. It made me realize that I have to continue living. People are counting on me. I know that it will be difficult but I am ready to face the world...one tear at a time.

[josiah1112]

Children can be so thoughtful... What grade do you teach?
I was teaching pre- school disabled. I decided not to return
back to work this school year, but I went to visit my little
ones. They were all so sweet. (Not that they understood how
drastically my life had changed) but they all ran to me one
at a time to give me a big hug. Michael- one of the student's
with Down Syndrome, kept coming back to hug me time after
time. The next day when I woke up, I found myself missing
them. Good luck on your return back to work. Do you have a return
date yet? Take Care,


Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e

[michal]

I also had a miserable birthday ( 2 February ) , and I remember going out for supper and trying to feel happy but deep down I felt so sad because I wanted my baby with me .

I went back to work a month and a half ago and thought I would never cope . I work as a family physician . People kept on wishing me congratulaitons or asking me if I was on maternity leave . During the first week back ,so many women kept on coming who were due when I was supposed to be . I did end up crying a couple of times during my first few days back at work ( in between patients ) , but it did get easier and helped me to get back into the " real world " again .

It is also getting easier to be around pregnant women and babies , although I cannot get all " kutchiekoo " with other people's babies or start having a conversation about how they sleep , eat etc .I just put on this " mask" in front of then so that I can cope being around them .

It takes lots of time and inner strength .
The pain will never go away ....
Take Care

Michal
Mom to Tali ( PE and HELLP 32 weeks , 5/3/1998 ) , mom to my first angel in heaven ( PE and HELLP 20 weeks , 20/2/2002) , mom to my seccond angel in heaven Dina ( PE and HELLP 25 weeks , 29/10/2003 -4/11/2003 )