How is everyone - REALLY?

[amillhouse]

Hi, everyone:

I just feel like we have been pretty silent under the "Grief and Loss" section recently, so I thought I would just start a general topic: "How is everyone - REALLY?"

Personally, I totally identify with Sam's comment of feeling she's going one step forward and three steps back (uggh, it also reminds me of the NICU days). Last Wednesday was exactly one month since Isaiah died.[:(] I didn't cry but over the weekend those gut-wrenching tears came back along with the feelings of guilt and feeling like my husband doesn't/shouldn't love me, the whys and the what is . . . all those things just came flooding back.[V]

One thing that did help last week was finding the Heavenly Angels chatroom at www.groww.com/Branches/heavenly.htm - they have other chatrooms for various types of bereaved people, but Heavenly Angels is just for people like us who have lost children. Being able to share/listen and get/give instant responses helped a lot.

Yesterday at church, all the leaders called me and my husband up to the front. They prayed for us and anointed us with oil. Many gave encouraging and prophetic words. With all we can say (and all I personally have said) about people not understanding, it was a real blessing that they did that and that people are moved with such compassion toward us. It's amazing how people really see us as role models of faith for how we endured this whole process. It does help.

But again, at the end of the day, I miss my son.[V] I am trying with all my might to hang on to the image of his beautiful little face look at me - yes, I have pictures but my memories of him alive are what I cling to. I am trying to hold on to the feeling of his little fingers around my index finger.

Would love to hear how others are feeling as well - good, bad and/or in between and no that I am here to listen and give support.

Blessings,
Anika


Anika (32, severe pre-e)
Mommy's Angel Boy: Isaiah (1/20/04 - 2/17/04)
Born at 28 weeks 1 day gestation weighing 610 grams

[for faith]

Anika - Thank you for bringing this up and sharing yourself. Next week will be 2 months since Faith has been gone and I am not doing too well. I have been back at work for a couple of weeks now, but am distracted a lot of the time. I think the worst for me is at night after my son is in bed and I have a moment to relax. I really don't go to bed until I am very exhausted, it is easier to keep busy. My husband is wonderful and we talk a lot about Faith. Seeing relatives, friends and co-workers again after everything is hard (I am a pretty private person, who doesn't want a whole lot of people seeing me grieve). Seeing my doctors was hard too.

I still desperately miss her, but I have tried to move away from the questioning "why her", "why us", because it does no good. I have been trying to focus on the positive things that have happened in her short life, who she has inspired.

Next for me is to decide if we are going to have another baby. There are so many scary things involved in that, especially preeclampcia and my age. Dealing with grief and being so nervous about what could go wrong and being pregnant sounds like such a difficult combination.

How wonderful about your church and the support group you found. It is things like that that help get through each day.

Take Care,

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - almost 4
Angel baby - January 2003 (11 weeks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (born at 30 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, passed due to NEC (intestinal premie complication) & Sepsis)

[sharonda]

Today was my first day back at work. It was not too bad. Then I went to the doctor's office. I thought I was okay until a woman came in with her daughter. She put her on her lap and was holding her and I almost lost it. I got up and went into the hallway. It is one thing to cry at home or in your car but I find it hard to cry in public. It is getting harder and harder to contain myself when I am amongst people who do not know my situation.

[amillhouse]

Hi, Faith and ShaRhonda:

Thanks for replying. It is good to focus on the positive things. Isaiah had such an impact on so many people.

It is hard to know how to react in public and to think that you can't control your emotions in public is also hard. I know it is hard for me because I am a very private person.

Someone sent me this poem so I thought I would share:

Letter from Heaven
To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; Here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through.
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you.

It's good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, They'll be here later on.
I need you here badly, you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years.
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry: it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too;
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain;
Then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low;
Just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go....from that body to be free.
Remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.
Written by: Ruth Ann Mahaffey


Anika (32, severe pre-e)
Mommy's Angel Boy: Isaiah (1/20/04 - 2/17/04)
Born at 28 weeks 1 day gestation weighing 610 grams