Post Reply FAQ Members Login

Stupid things people say! What are they thinking?

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

Stupid things people say! What are they thinking?

Postby shonia » Tue Mar 30, 2004 01:06 pm

by shonia (25 Posts), Tue Mar 30, 2004 01:06 pm

It has been 5 months and 5 days since my daughter Savana was born still. I have struggled with the insensitivities of others around me. You know, those stupid things that come out of their mouth and you are sitting there speechless for fear you will snap if you even begin to tell them what you think. Here are some of the things people have said already:

"Well, at least you didn't get to know her and see her smile, hear her talk. That should be easier for you." or,

"Shonia, she could have had something wrong with her and you would have had to care for her for the rest of your life." or,

"I saw Savana after she was born and the only thing she didn't have was a butt." (because she only weighed 2lbs.2oz, she didn't have her fat tissue) or,

"Before the coroner came to pick her up from the hospital, she was starting to get cold."

What about anyone else? Actually writing this to people who understand seems to help me. Would you like to release all those harbored feelings that you let very few people see? I'm here to listen.


Shonia Burch
Mother of Savana Lynsey
Born still 10/25/03 @ 31 weeks
shonia
Registered User
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2004 11:17 am

Re : Stupid things people say! What are they thinking?

Postby natan » Tue Mar 30, 2004 02:09 pm

by natan (203 Posts), Tue Mar 30, 2004 02:09 pm

Hi Shonia
I cannot pretend I know what it is like to lose a child, but I remember a comment that somebody said to me about my son. I will never forget it. It is not just what people say that bothers me it is what people do and expect graditude.

I was in a resturant with my family one day and I was changing my sons diaper in the restroom. My son was about 9 month at the time, still very small. FYI-my son was born 2 lbs 5 ozs 14 inches. Not much bigger than a credit card(I describe to people). And this women comes out of her stall and notices how small my son is. She claims she was a nurse. She said "your son must be a preemie", I said you are right he is, she said, "were all his organs healthy? ". Like I am going to talk about this with a complete stranger!!.. I couldn't believe it.

And she walked up to touch my sons arm and did not wash her hands. I said lady please wash hands. She got mad gave me a dirty look and walked out!!. I was appauled to think this person was/is nurse and doesn't know to wash hands after using the restroom and asking me about medical issues.

There are some people who just don't think.

Anyways my heart goes out to you and your family,

Deborah
natan
Registered User
 
Posts: 203
Joined: Wed Jan 29, 2003 10:13 am

Re : Stupid things people say! What are they thinking?

Postby for faith » Tue Mar 30, 2004 03:46 pm

by for faith (1749 Posts), Tue Mar 30, 2004 03:46 pm

Luckily I have had most people be very nice to me, but have a had a few comments like:

You are young and can have more children
This must be so hard, I can't imagine (this was from one of the nurses at the NICU who said it to us almost every day we were there, my daughter lived 25 days, she was very caring, but how do you respond to that. I would have preferred I am sorry or something like that)

I know other people thought some bad stuff, but luckily most people kept it to themselves. It is so hard to deal with people that don't understand our loss.

Take care and continued peace,

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - almost 4 (36 weeks, PIH)
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 weeks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, passed due to NEC (intestinal premie complication) & Sepsis)
for faith
Registered User
 
Posts: 1749
Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2004 02:15 pm

Re : Stupid things people say! What are they thinking?

Postby akemt » Tue Mar 30, 2004 04:43 pm

by akemt (4961 Posts), Tue Mar 30, 2004 04:43 pm

I haven't lost a child, but definately know from losing other loved ones what you are talking about.

I was asked to give a talk in church on Father's day just after my father had died...right!

Actually, the big one that bugged me the most (still does now) was the "How are you?" greeting. It isn't a greeting it is a question and I hate that people ask it without caring about the answer! I got to the point where I'd answer "I'm alive." Some people thought it was some kind of joke and laughed as they walked away, while others seemed to understand and would ask again. It was actually a good way to weed out the ones that were seriously asking and cared.

Sorry that you have to go through all that.

Catherine (22), Moderator (pregnant again)
DH Britton (27)
Emma Margaret (03/02/03) 37 weeks from PIH & oligo
Baby #2 due August 11, 2004
akemt
Registered User
 
Posts: 4961
Joined: Sun Feb 09, 2003 07:35 pm

Re : Stupid things people say! What are they thinking?

Postby josiah1112 » Tue Mar 30, 2004 05:02 pm

by josiah1112 (1368 Posts), Tue Mar 30, 2004 05:02 pm

Hi Shonia,

I know exactly what you are talking about. I have had wonderful and
caring people but also some say some wacky things. I had a friend from church who has 2 children (one was due 3 months before my son
and my son was supposed to be her daughter's "boyfriend") tell me that she didn'tknow what she would do if something like this had happened to her. She then proceeded to tell me that God does not give us more than we can bear. I was so hurt because I felt like she was minimizing my pain. I told her that I felt like I could not bear this and she answered that yes I could because I was a very spiritual person! Can you imagine- if only God had less faith in me!!!things would have been okay. I have had people insinuate that this must have been God's will. I say yes, but then ask them how they would be feeling if this had happened to their child. Usually this changes their "tone" pretty quickly. I def. go out of my way to "educate" them. I've had some people in their zeal to relate to me tell me stories about family members they've lost. I thank them for sharing but tell them that losing a child is the ultimate tragedy because we are NOT supposed to outlive our children. It should be the other way around. - A therapist I had been seeing told me that the worse that could happen to me has already happened which is to lose a child. - Should I feel good or bad about this fact? I sometimes wonder ironically.
Anyway, I'm sorry we have to go through this.[:(]

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
josiah1112
Registered User
 
Posts: 1368
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 09:50 pm

Re : Stupid things people say! What are they thinking?

Postby ma2anangel » Tue Mar 30, 2004 05:41 pm

by ma2anangel (24 Posts), Tue Mar 30, 2004 05:41 pm

People say some really insensitive things. Personally, the comment, "I am so sorry" works. To go on and on and say, "I am so sorry, but I'm glad that you're young and you can have more" is going too far.

I'm sorry that you were subjected to some of the rude comments made. Don't they realize we will ALWAYS love our children? They are our children...once they leave us, it doesn't mean that we remove them from our memory and remove them from the family roster! {{{Hugs}}}

NICHOLE

MAMA TO...

Eleighsa Lynn
02.18.03
&
Hunter Blake
10.24.97
Born Sleeping - 37 Weeks Gestation
You left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without you...
ma2anangel
Registered User
 
Posts: 24
Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2003 08:56 pm

Re : Stupid things people say! What are they thinking?

Postby kimb » Tue Mar 30, 2004 07:08 pm

by kimb (140 Posts), Tue Mar 30, 2004 07:08 pm

Do I have a GREAT one!! While still in the hospital my MIL said something about not having to worry about daycare costs now!!!! That was all I heard about the whole time I was pregnant too - I always wanted to scream at her but kept and am still keeping my mouth shut.

Kim 35
William Michael - my angel - pe/HELLP 7/7/03
kimb
Registered User
 
Posts: 140
Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 03:00 pm

Re : Stupid things people say! What are they thinking?

Postby gossamer » Tue Mar 30, 2004 07:21 pm

by gossamer (242 Posts), Tue Mar 30, 2004 07:21 pm

I have heard "At least you can have more.", "There was probably something wrong with her.",

"You know, women can have gastric bypass surgery and still get pregnant." This last comment was said to me, by the doctor that failed to diagnose my HELLP, less than 2 hours after he delivered my daughter who had died.

"At least you have an angel in HEaven." Yeah, well I want a baby here in my arms.

And on and on and on and on. At least I feel like I know what not to say.
Gossamer

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you.
This is the miracle of life. " -Maureen Hawkins
[url=http://f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/zonker29/album?.dir=/Baby+Casteel&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/zonker29/lst%3f.dir=/%26.src=ph%26.done=http%253a//f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/zonker29/vwp%253f.dir=/Baby%252bCasteel%2526.dnm=22%252bweek%252bUltrasound.jpg%2526.src=ph%26.view=t]Mary Rose[/url]
gossamer
Registered User
 
Posts: 242
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2004 10:15 am

Re : Stupid things people say! What are they thinking?

Postby taras mom » Tue Mar 30, 2004 11:41 pm

by taras mom (841 Posts), Tue Mar 30, 2004 11:41 pm

"Everything happens for a reason" is my favorite.[}:)]

Carol (38)
DH Bill (40)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
The Mightiest Little Angel
taras mom
Registered User
 
Posts: 841
Joined: Thu May 01, 2003 01:30 am

Re : Stupid things people say! What are they thinking?

Postby angelkat » Wed Mar 31, 2004 04:37 am

by angelkat (3423 Posts), Wed Mar 31, 2004 04:37 am

My MIL said the one of the worst things to me one day before
Katlyne's memorial service... She said, since the day Katlyne was born I had set aside money just in case she didn't make it so you and Ben (her son) didn't have to "shell out" so much money for a funeral!....
It's no wonder we (DH and I) have not spoken with her since Katlyne's funeral....

Hugs
~T

Mommy to
Drew(13)
Ky (11)
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03) and little bud (Due 09/11/04)http://www.forevernetwork.com/Archive/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=%2FArchives%2FMountHope&CFID=1089289&CFTOKEN=79068509
angelkat
Registered User
 
Posts: 3423
Joined: Thu May 08, 2003 10:26 am

Next

Return to Grief and Loss

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests