While camping, i had some great points. Drawing, hiking, cooking, and laughing. Then I had the memories, the comparisons (how my friend is a mother, how my other friend never became pregnant but wanted to, and I gave birth but she had already passed. I wasn't nicknamed the mother), and the wondering of the future.
Then do I or don't I? How do I remember it? If only i realized what I was feeling weren't the kicks. What sort of almost mother doesn't realize that her child died? (What sort of mother takes an opening like this to give herself a blow?) If only I noticed a deceleration from the kicks, but that isn't how it played out.
I don't know when I was truly sick. Was it the times I was worried about my bp? or when I spilled my first protien or was that due to nausea? Or when my back started to hurt too much. Each of those I went in for. I guess I just wonder what I could have done to change the outcome.
To have a healthy child or not.. what if I didn't have a healthy child? What if by the time that something was documented as wrong, she was already sick.
To be sick or not? Will my liver enzymes go back to normal.. (probably.. just worrying about it). will I have heart problems.
The difficult part is accepting the increase freedom, the clean and organized library which should house a nice aquarium instead of an infant. I put away yet more maternity cloths that snuck there way into the laundry. By the way I'll have to put away the large shirts because I've gone down a size.)]
And then to return to work. Well gotta go.
A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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