so many "anniversaries" - enough sanity?

[kimb]

My depression is setting back in hard. I tried to keep it from my dh for a while - but he hasn't gotten much sleep this week with me up sobbing. I've been sick too - so that hasn't helped. I went to therapy for a few months after losing Will and do ok on and off. Today I called my dr to go on antidepressents and am scheduling to meet with a new therapist as soon as I can get in. Today was nine months since losing Will. Tomorrow is the "one year" since I got the guts to take the pg test and found out I was pregnant(was a surprise pregnancy), and Sunday is the one year of his first ultrasound. We hadn't planned on having kids, and I never knew I wanted to be a mommy until I knew that little guy was in there - and once I knew - I wanted nothing more than to be his mommy.

I just feel like that was my only chance to be a mommy. We havent totally said "no" - and luckily we have Dr E if we decide to....but it's awfully scary...and when it was an oops! pregnancy there weren't the discussions of if it was a good time to or can we afford to. We just had to deal with things. Now I don't know that we could make those decisions - especially now that our eyes are so wide open about what can happen. At least now we would have some idea and know what to push the drs harder about - though with having Dr E now - I don't think we would have to push. I know I was very fortunate that I was introduced to the UW just days before losing Will - my local hospital never even asked my bp and just said to take sleeping pills to get some sleep - they would have let me die. I just can't get all the events of the last year out of my head. My dh is at a loss of what to do to help me - but he holds me - and that is about all he can do, and he has been encouraging me to see a therapist again.

Thanks for letting me vent a little. You guys are the only ones I can talk to that understand the depths of such a loss. Thanks again.

Kim 35
William Michael - my angel - pe/HELLP 7/7/03

[julie f]

Kim,

Sending you long distance hugs. I am so sorry. I lost Zach shortly after you lost William and I find that there are still days when I can't bear it. For awhile, it seems as though the ok days and the bad days were pretty even, and there are even some good days... The bad still come back though and they seem to come back with a vengance. Sometimes, it's as though I can only be "ok" and "normal" for so long, I can only gush over friends babies for so long, I can only bite my tongue after rude/insensitive comments for so long before I just need to "meltdown." My husband doesn't know what to do either but, he recognizes my need for days like that sometimes and for that I'm thankful. Anyway, I don't want to go on about me but, I just want you to know that you're not alone and that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Also, I know how difficult and terrifying it is to think about another pregnancy, we know all too well what can happen. I just pray that you find peace in whatever decision you make. Have you talked to Dr. E about it, he was very helpful to us in that area.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Southern California Coordinator

[for faith]

Just want to say I am so sorry and understand your loss. Even my husband doesn't know a lot of the pain I am enduring (I know he has it too, but different). Some days I don't know how I am going to make it through the day. We are discussing trying again, but are so scared since we now know all the things that can happen. I wish you peace whatever your decision.

Hugs to you.


Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - almost 4 (36 weeks, PIH)
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 weeks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(premie complications))

[kimb]

Mike and I ended up having a good talk last night after I got the phone call that my boss and his wife had their baby yesterday - which I was afraid of - and yet I had woken up yesterday morning jsut knowing their little boy would be born that day. The news still hit me quite hard though - and Mike talked me through it and held my hand - and I've done pretty well since then - I didn't even keep him awake crying last night! Today has been a pretty good day - but I still went ahead with scheduling to see the new therapist on Monday - hopefully he will be able to give me some insight and direction that the other therapist wasnt' able to.

We haven't gone back to see Dr E yet - My meds are still too high - I'm still at 80mg of lasix a day - so we are looking at maybe this time next year hopefully being at a place both mentally and physically (hopefully financially) that we can start looking into where we want to go. But I know Dr E will be there for us. He was the one who made us promise not to take any permanent birth control measures before we even delivered William - because even though we were adamant that we wouldn't want to try again - he said we would.

I definietly watch others as they are going through subsequent pregnancies and look for hope in that. I am so thankful for this site I just wish I had known of it earlier. Thank you for your words of encouragement!

Kim 35
William Michael - my angel - pe/HELLP 7/7/03

[josiah1112]

Hi Kim,
I'm sorry you have been having a hard time. I also
have good and bad days. The past 2 days have been
hard. I think of other baby's born around the time that
Josiah should have been born and find myself getting angry.
"Why is MY son the only one not here?!" I feel like this is
so unfair. I would have given my life for him. At church
the other day ( I think I will stop going for a while
because I don't think it is helping me at the moment) a
mom shared about her life before converting to Jesus and
christianity. She mentioned that she took drugs and drank
while pregnant. Her daughter was fine. This is good, but
I can't help but wonder why my son had such a hard time
and did not make it. I know life is not fair but it def.
hurts. Anyway, I wish you peace in your work environment.
I know it will be hard for you when people congratulate your
boss and coo over the baby pictures. Thinking of You...


Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e