Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

[shonia]

I lost Savana at 31 weeks born still on Oct. 25, 2003. Several other women that I knew, some of them close friends were due right at the same time as me. Although, I try not to go around them much, I still run into them in town or in church. I have a range of feelings when i see their babies. I do not want to hold them at all. Some people tell me i need to get over this and quit being so bitter. But, it's not like i want to feel this way. In the back of my mind, i feel they are rubbing it in my face with their babies, which i know logically that is not the case. BUt, they will come up to me and ask me if i want to hold their babies! At that time, I want to scream and run away!!!! I get nervous sometimes sick when i see them. Is this normal? How do i deal and not hurt anyone's feelings?

Shonia Burch
Mother of Savana Lynsey
Born still 10/25/03 @ 31 weeks

[catherine]

Shonia, I think that I can offer a practical answer from the perspective of the mom with the baby. One of my close friends lost a baby around the same time as you. Not preeclampsia, an unsurvivable birth defect which meant that the whole time that we were actually having our daughter (born in July) they were going through the process of having the problem diagnosed etc. We work together and I had to bring my baby to work with me quite often during the fall. I was dying inside for somewhat the same reasons as you suggest. I was very afraid that she would think that I was rubbing my baby in her face etc. It has been a real struggle for both of us to speak openly, both then, when the issue was acute, and now, when some time has passed. We have come to a situation where I don't ask her if she wants to play with Chloe, but if she comes over and asks, then she gets first chance. I guess that everyone heals in their own way, and at their own pace. I know that I would never be offended and my feelings would not be hurt if she told me that she just didn't feel up to interacting, especially when everyone else clusters around cooing etc. I always perceive that as salt in the wound.

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

[for faith]

Shonia - I understand your feelings. It has been almost 3 months since my daughter's passing and seeing newborns just breaks my heart. I have a nephew who was due on the same day as Faith and we were so excited to have them grow up together. It hurts so bad to be around him and to see my in-laws with this baby. I have yet to hold him myself it is just too hard.

This isn't something we can just get over, we just have to cope everyday with the horror. I think it is totally normal to feel anxiety in these situations. I think it is terrible that they push anything on you, even if they are just trying to be nice. I agree with Catherine that it should be totally on you to take the first step. Maybe you can try to talk to them or write an email or letter just explaining that you are still learning to live with your grief and hope that they will understand and let you make the first step when seeing them and their babies.

I pray for myself that I will be able to come to truely charish my nephew as he grows up, knowing at least I can have a special reminder of my daughter. I hope the same for you - maybe these babies can turn into special children too you. I have a long way to go for that, but I hope someday I will feel it. Take Care.

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH)
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(premie complications))

[houstygirl]

It has only been 3 1/2 weeks since Jonathan was born but I decided that I needed to cuddle a baby. Yesterday I spent 4 hours at the hospital cuddling my neighbours wee boy Ollie. He is 8 days old and just beautiful. His mother, Laura had lost her last pregnancy at 20 weeks so this baby is extra special for her too. We both sat there and cried and cried for our Angel babies and in happiness that Ollie was just fine. (BTW Ollie was born 6 weeks early yet weighed in at 7 pounds 6 ounces!)

Mum to Angel baby Jonathan Douglas
born still 3rd April 2004 31wks, weighing 880gms

[amillhouse]

Hi, Shonia:

I definitely know how you feel. In the next month, I have two baby showers to attend and most of my friends have infants. It is so hard to look at these babies though I love them and their parents. Honestly I people who have not suffered this lost simply do not get it. They expect you to be the same, your old self. I know for me, I am different, I am a new person. First, I was suddenly a pregnant woman with pre-eclampsia, then I was a mommy with a preemie in the NICU, and now I am a mommy with empty arms. My identity has changed and for me to act like nothing has happened, I feel I would be denying my son and his beautiful life and the precious change he has made in me. This is hard for others to understand - especially at church where people think your faith is gone if you don't act the same. But if there are people in your life - close friends and family - that you can share the changes that have taken place inside of you, then do so. It is a testament to your inherent kindness that you are even concerned about their feelings. Try to be transparent to them about your feelings, letting them know that you are speaking from your heart. Try to do this in person if you can.

Hope this helped. . . some



Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]

[julie f]

Shonia,

It's been nine months and it still hurts to see all my friends and family with their babies... though, it has changed and I am usually able to grin and bear it, even when I don't feel like it.

I think at first, I was way too worried about offending others by not smiling at their baby or saying how cute they were, etc. I had many friends who had just had babies or, were pregnant at the time. You know what was almost harder for me though - dealing with pregnant women - women who were more pregnant than I've ever been. I just couldn't be around them and see their bellies or hear them complaining about their pregnancy... My SIL whom I'm very close to was also pregnant at the time and just had a baby boy in February. I went up to visit a couple hours after he was born and, it meant so much to be there but, I was just numb to it all. I am able to hold him, kiss him, snuggle him but, it often feels quite empty. I love him to pieces but, I feel like I am just going through the motions of being a good Auntie as my heart isn't always 100% in it.

I think it's completely normal what you are feeling. I think that people who think you are bitter are fortunate enough to be blissfully ignorant to the tragedy you have faced. They could never comprehend the loss you have suffered and the feeling of empty arms.

If I could go back, I would worry much less about hurting others' feelings and more about taking care of me.

Hugs,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Praying for a miracle... TTC #2 is a go!

Southern California Coordinator

[shonia]

Thank you so much for the king words you wrote to me. I hope sincerely that i did not offend you in anyway. Babies are so precious and i am so glad you have your child with you, as i am for everyone who hasn't lost a child. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Never take your children for granted and always say I love you. Even when maybe you feel like you want to pull your hair some days, i truly believe their is nothing sweeter than holding your child in your arms. What a beautiful gift from God, no matter how long we get to keep them!

quote:

---

Originally posted by Catherine

Shonia, I think that I can offer a practical answer from the perspective of the mom with the baby. One of my close friends lost a baby around the same time as you. Not preeclampsia, an unsurvivable birth defect which meant that the whole time that we were actually having our daughter (born in July) they were going through the process of having the problem diagnosed etc. We work together and I had to bring my baby to work with me quite often during the fall. I was dying inside for somewhat the same reasons as you suggest. I was very afraid that she would think that I was rubbing my baby in her face etc. It has been a real struggle for both of us to speak openly, both then, when the issue was acute, and now, when some time has passed. We have come to a situation where I don't ask her if she wants to play with Chloe, but if she comes over and asks, then she gets first chance. I guess that everyone heals in their own way, and at their own pace. I know that I would never be offended and my feelings would not be hurt if she told me that she just didn't feel up to interacting, especially when everyone else clusters around cooing etc. I always perceive that as salt in the wound.

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

---

Shonia Burch
Mother of Savana Lynsey
Born still 10/25/03 @ 31 weeks

[josiah1112]

Hi Shonia,

I am so sorry that we have to go through this.
How insensitive of those people who said that to
you about being bitter!! Please educate them (after
the shock wears off!). People told me some crazy
things and when I did not feel good about them I
pursued them. even if it was at a later date.
Sometimes I was so shocked. What hurt a lot too
was some people's silence. Some days are better
for me than others when I see babies. At church
on Sunday I couldn't stop crying. I saw a mom
who was sitting a couple of rows in front of us
with her son. He was about 3 years old. She was
holding him and playing with him. - There was
such intimacy there. All I could think was- that's
what I will never get to have with my son.

Baby Showers, I don't go to. I explain
that I am not up to it. If they are truly my friends
they will understand. (Annika - hats off to you if you
can bear to go. Please do not push yourself if you don't
feel up to it. I think if we were not feeling tormented in
one way or another there would be something wrong with us.
How can one be completely happy go lucky after losing
a little being that was part of us?

Take Care Everyone,

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e

Future Adoptive Mom

[catherine]

Hi All, firstly Shonia, you couldn't hurt my feelings, my heart breaks for you and your loss.

Secondly, and this is just food for thought... my husband is the person who brought this up to me, although in the context of some friends of ours with a long history of infertility. He said to me..."they have such hungry eyes". It made me so sad. Since then, in friends who have suffered losses, sometimes when they watch our kids, we see this. We would love to be able to reach out at that moment and help to assuage, even a little bit, the pain that we can see that they feel.

Perhaps some sense of this is why people, apparently insensitively, press their babies upon you, they see the hurt and they want to take the pain away, they just don't realise that they make it worse.

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

[angelkat]

I have been very blessed to be able to hold another baby. I am the Nursery Head for our church and as always we have workers who do not like to come to church when it's their sunday to work. It was very hard the first few times, but then it got easier & easier for me.

What I have a hard time with, is parents who say stuipd things like "at times, I wish you were never born".. That's when I want to rip the baby out of their hands...

Hugs
~T

Mommy to
Drew(13)
Ky (11)
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03) & Casey (EDD 09/10 or 09/11-Sure he will be here in Aug)
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V