A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : help

Postby leeann34 » Tue Sep 15, 2009 02:57 pm

I am heartbroken. I lost my daughter Olivia on Sept 1, 2009. She was our first child. It is the worse experience any mother can or should be allowed to experience. I had to have an emergency c-section at 23 weeks and 6 days. Olivia did well for awhile, but developed necrotising entercolitis exactly on the day she turned two months old. She fought hard to overcome it, but in the end she ended up with severe brain damage. My husband and I decided to stop aggressive treatment... another decesion parents should never have to make. I still get angry. I feel as though my body betrayed me even though I know it wasn't my fault. Olivia had to fight so hard to live because my body didn't do what it was suppossed to do. I think about it and cry often. I can't describe in words my sorrow and how badly I wanted Olivia in my life.

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Re : help

Postby beth11 » Tue Jul 28, 2009 10:29 am

Thinking of you. I'm so sorry you're having to experience this. It's horrible and so unfair.

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Re : help

Postby debbie78 » Mon Jul 27, 2009 07:30 pm

I, too, am so sorry. There is nothing I can say that could take your pain away, but if I could shoulder some of your grief for you, I would.

What you are feeling is completely normal. I'm sorry you know what it's like to feel it, but it is normal. <3

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Re : help

Postby kbunsey » Mon Jul 27, 2009 03:38 pm

Hi there, Shae. I am very sorry for your loss. I know this might not make you feel any better, but from your writing - the things you are asking and saying - you sound pretty "normal" for the situation.

I can tell you lots of things that I did to get through and sometimes still do (last night I was crying a little at 4am), but the best suggestions I can give you, are along the lines of what so many others have said - be gentle with yourself, be kind, patient and allow yourself to feel whatever comes. It really is helpful to give grief its attention without judging yourself for however you feel or act. And it just takes time - I'm sorry - I always hated hearing that.

Many, if not most of us who get severe Preeclampsia didn't know we were sick - I didn't! It is a horrible, baffling illness. It is actually a normal distortion of trauma (which you experienced in your loss) to want to blame someone or something for what happened - it helps the mind try to make sense of something so incomprehensible - that to blame yourself seems normal - but it isn't true! You didn't do anything wrong.

I had to wear cold cabbage leaves on my breasts for a couple weeks and avoid getting hot water on them in the shower. It felt like a cruel punishment to have to wear stinky cabbage, but it did help slow down and eventually stop the milk. I put the cold leaves in a tight-fitting bra.

My friend gave me a very good book called, "Help, Comfort and Hope: After Losing Your Baby in Pregnancy or the First Year" by Hannah Lothrop. It has lots of info, lots of tools for self care, info about grief, info about getting support, stories about others who have lost and how they coped. I read it often and have bought it for other friends who unfortunately have also lost babies.

Keep coming here as much as you need to - there are so many good women who will do whatever we can to support you throughout. Try not to spend too much time alone - you need to grieve and be with yourself - but be mindful - as I know for myself when I'm alone too much I get really weird and start crossing the line into unhealthy spaces. Reach out even if you feel like what you're saying is completely insane. It's OK. Be gentle with yourself.

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Re : help

Postby denise » Mon Jul 27, 2009 10:05 am

Shalene, I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

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Re : help

Postby me793462 » Mon Jul 27, 2009 09:25 am

"Learn from the past, build for the future!"

Those are awesome words to live by, atvlady. That is all any of us can do that have experienced the loss of our babies due to this disease.

Thanks for sharing that.

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Re : help

Postby atvlady » Sat Jul 25, 2009 10:22 pm

Shae, I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a daughter in June of this year due to severe prematurity. I had HELLP and pre-e and didn't know it either until it was too late. My addice to you is DON'T beat yourself up. YOU did not cause this. It is ok to grieve and mourn but don't let that reflect into beating yourself up or hating others. Think of the good times in the pregnancy and the joy of being pregnant with your baby. Though loss is hard and for me sometimes it gets unbearable, you can try again for another. I have learned a LOT from my daughters death and since I have been on these forums on this site, I have learned a LOT. Take a look around on here so you can better understand pre-e and know that this isn't something you done. Time will make it easier. Learn from the past, build for the future! Take care!

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Re : help

Postby hannahsmom » Sat Jul 25, 2009 12:07 am

Oh, Shae -

I wish I could say something comforting at this time, but I know there are no words for your pain. Many of us had to go on meds to help us cope after birth, and I have to say, they helped me a lot. Please call your doctor, a friend, someone....and tell them how you're feeling. You probably shouldn't be alone right now. I am wishing you comfort in your time of sorrow.

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Re : help

Postby shae » Sat Jul 25, 2009 09:32 am

At 2:39 am this morning, it's been a week since he was born...It's hard to imagine that 4 weeks ago, he was fine. My lil man's heart was strong and still beating. Time hasnt made this easier....Sometimes I wish I could be with him, even if it means leaving my boyfriend behind....

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Re : help

Postby neslo » Fri Jul 24, 2009 01:15 pm

Shalene - I'm so sorry to hear your story. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Posting here really helped me through the toughest times. Please take care of yourself and give your body time to heal.

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