Just venting

[leeann34]

My bereavement couselor told me if I couldn't sleep to get up and do something. So I am. Tonight is a rough night for me. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about the day I lost Olivia. I had been doing pretty well...or so I thought. I cried the hardest I had cried since Olivia's death about two weeks ago and I had felt this sense of inner peace. That inner peace has alluded me tonight and I just feel extremely lonely and sad. My husband is sound asleep and never has any problems sleeping, not even since the babies death. It's puzzling to me. I wish I had his strength and inner peace. Sometimes, I feel that I am a weak person because of it.

It helps to talk with people, but I think the people I talk to the most get tired of listening to me or mabe they are just uncomfortable. Sometimes, I get tired of listening to myself, but I just have this need to talk about her death and sometimes just to whoever will listen.

I still worry about becoming pregnant again. Somedays I am optimsitic and I say "yes I can do this again". Other days I am very anxious even thinking about it. I am so afraid of another loss and what I would do. How would I handle it again emotionlly? I don't know that I could.

I have a lot of fears right now and I know fear can be debilitating. I try not to let it take over my thoughts, but it is a constant struggle. I feel frustrated sometimes because not everyone around me understands what I am going through. Everyone thinks I am fine because I can "function" during the day and I go to work. Most days I am okay, but I wish that everyoneone would understand that grief is a process and it's not something you "get over" or are healed from in 2-3 months.

Well, I think I feel sleepy. I have had a lot on my mind today and it feels better to write it down and get it off my chest. Hopefully, I can get some much needed sleep tonight.

[angieb]

*hugs* You can always talk here. And frankly, don't feel bad about other people getting tired of it. Just worry about you and what you need.

(Btw, we also named our daughter Olivia.)

When you feel closer to trying again, I recently read the book Trying Again after Miscarriage, Still birth, and Infant Loss. I wasn't really expecting much from it, but it was pretty good. (At least the first half-I stopped at the 'dealing with pregnancy' part because I actually want to be pregnant first.)

[rosemary]

Leeann, nighttime was really tough for me too. I think being at work during the day, and keeping occupied in the early evening kept my brain occupied. Then when night came and I went to bed, everything just came crashing in. My mind raced, and like you, I would relive my loss. Those were the hardest times. The one thing that I want to reassure you with is, you are not a weak person. What you have been through is truly one of the most devistating events that you could face.

I think that you are incredibly brave to talk with others and share your experience - that is something that I struggle with to this day. Whatever you need to do to help you feel better, is all that matters.

We're here for you - and always willing to listen - so vent away.

Sending hugs - and wishing you peace.

[dbronson]

I'm glad you feel better getting stuff off your chest. What heped me is keeping a journal. It was like verbal vomit. Once I got it out I felt a little better...

Hugs

[leeann34]

It makes me smile to see that some of the other women who have posted have named their baby girls Olivia. Some even have her middle name which was Kaylee. I am not sure why, but it just makes me feel good inside. Hugs to everyone and thank you for your never ending support.

Mom to Olivia Kaylee Rogga
Born June 9, 2009
Died September 1. 2009
Forever in my heart.

[annes]

Hope tonight is a better night for you. I don't think your husband is stronger than you. I slept a lot after Griffin died and I will be the first to tell you I was a complete mess. For me, when I get stressed, I shut down, and sleep. I never was able to pull an all-night study session, and was in danger of sleeping through exams. Take care of yourself.

[leeann34]

Ohh...I hope so. The last few nights have been anything but restful. My family physcian finally put me on ambien and told me to take it when needed. It works, but I try not to take it everynight. I just wish I could feel a sense of peace after loosing her, but it's just not that easy. I try to give people a break who say I should. I know they don't fully comprehend the anguish I am going through. It it is easier said than done, but I love them anyway. Before I lost Olivia, I didn't know what parents went through either. Now I do.

[jules2]

Hi Leeann,

I have the problems at night time too, and have taken zopiclone on and off (I think this might be the same as ambien, but I am in the UK) - it does help me a lot and I don't take it so often that I am in danger of becoming dependent.

I've just miscarried but was hit with tremendous anxiety, panic attacks, sleeping hardly at all, when I first realised I was pregnant. It was even harder to deal with being pregnant again than I expected - and I was under no illusion about it, of course. My OB did offer to prescribe me anti-anxiety drugs if I needed them, apparently there are some with good safety profiles during pregnancy, although they preferred me to get through the first trimester without them.

I'm just saying that these might be an option to help that you needn't just dismiss out of safety fears if & when you do decide to try again.

[leeann34]

Jules,
I am very sorry for your losses. They both are so recent. I was always worried about taking medications for insomnia or depression, but that was before all of this happened. I now see the benefits of these drugs more than I ever have before. Do I like that I taking one, not really, but I know that I need them right now. When my husband and I do decide to try again, I will keep in mind that there are those drugs that I can take to hopefully help get me through. Sometimes we do just need them and it is okay to use them. Thank you for your suggestion. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[wrennie]

Leeann, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Night time is a very rough time, and it is harder if you cant sleep. I hope the ambien helps out with that. It helped me alot when I needed it.

Grief comes and goes and the intensity of it changes. And its different for everyone. Dont beat yourself up over that. The best thing you can do is to process it as it comes. It is normal to feel all that you are feeling. There are good days and bad days. Eventually there are more good days, but I found that I had to work really hard at it. Those days did come though, a slow healing, and finding of peace.

I hope your doing better today and able to rest a little easier. hugs..