My bereavement couselor told me if I couldn't sleep to get up and do something. So I am. Tonight is a rough night for me. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about the day I lost Olivia. I had been doing pretty well...or so I thought. I cried the hardest I had cried since Olivia's death about two weeks ago and I had felt this sense of inner peace. That inner peace has alluded me tonight and I just feel extremely lonely and sad. My husband is sound asleep and never has any problems sleeping, not even since the babies death. It's puzzling to me. I wish I had his strength and inner peace. Sometimes, I feel that I am a weak person because of it.
It helps to talk with people, but I think the people I talk to the most get tired of listening to me or mabe they are just uncomfortable. Sometimes, I get tired of listening to myself, but I just have this need to talk about her death and sometimes just to whoever will listen.
I still worry about becoming pregnant again. Somedays I am optimsitic and I say "yes I can do this again". Other days I am very anxious even thinking about it. I am so afraid of another loss and what I would do. How would I handle it again emotionlly? I don't know that I could.
I have a lot of fears right now and I know fear can be debilitating. I try not to let it take over my thoughts, but it is a constant struggle. I feel frustrated sometimes because not everyone around me understands what I am going through. Everyone thinks I am fine because I can "function" during the day and I go to work. Most days I am okay, but I wish that everyoneone would understand that grief is a process and it's not something you "get over" or are healed from in 2-3 months.
Well, I think I feel sleepy. I have had a lot on my mind today and it feels better to write it down and get it off my chest. Hopefully, I can get some much needed sleep tonight.