Today was supposed to be my due date and knowing me I probably would have still been pregnant and frustrated wondering when the little princess was going to come. My son was 41 weeks and my daughter was 42 weeks. Today I am feeling so many different emotions sadness, anger, jealousy, resentment, and forgotten. How could it be that my dream was ripped away from me and there was nothing I could do about it? How fair is it that my Intended Moms daughter was taken from them too soon and even though one is a doctor there was nothing she could do about it either? These last few weeks should have been filled with love and laughter and waiting for a beautiful little girl to be born, and yet here we are filled with sadness and despair. I've been sitting here in tears wondering why me?
There are many questions that keep coming to my thoughts over and over again, how can a life be taken away so easily? How is it fair for a life to never get a chance to live? What is the greater good of loosing a life so young? To these questions I have not been able to find answers.
I also have not heard from my Intended Moms in months and have not seen them since they left me in the hospital room with Paz. I often wonder to myself if they think of me although I know that in thinking of me it brings back all the sadness. I asked for one of the many pictures they took of her and 3 months later I still haven't received it. Is it too much to ask? They are not the only ones grieving over the loss of Paz, I know that seeing any pictures of her is hard for them but I can't even remember what she looks like anymore. All I have is her hand and foot prints that I cherish and hold close to my heart. I think that I can begin to heal completely once I receive a picture of her because then I wouldn't feel so guilty for not remembering her face.