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Am I wrong not to go????

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Am I wrong not to go????

Postby naomihope427 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 12:38 am

I find it weird, that never before have I been invited to my friends daughters/sons birthday parties or baby showers..until now. Now that Naomi is gone, people are asking me to attend. I don't get it. A few weeks ago, my friend sent me a message wanting to have my mother & I both attend her daughters 1st birthday party next month. I without even thinking about it wrote back saying I am sorry but I am not ready to attend yet she replied "we understand". I was also invited to another little boys party (2 yr old) and even though I say being around little boys or infants are somewhat easier , I just couldn't bring myself to go. Am I wrong not to attend? Its only been 8 months since Naomi has been gone. I just don't think I am strong enough and don't want to ruin it for anyone.

Also, last night I had a dream about an acquitance of mine, that I was with my friend and her. The girl is pregnant and also in my dream we were driving somewhere in a car & the whole time it bothered me & I cried in the dream. Now I never rarely talk to this girl and especially now I just can't she's pregnant with another little girl on the way. I woke up and I get a text from her "hey were having our little girls babyshower on feb 27th hope you can come". My mouth dropped yet also I was crushed. One I thought how in the heck? I never talk to her andi had a dream about her And yet I get a text about her babyshower (I never ended up having one, it was in the works). And just so happens the Feb 27th marks Naomi being 10 months old. =( I responded back saying im not ready & im sorry it also marks what Naomi would be on that day. Am I wrong again? I feel like I am in a way. I just keep putting down these things, a babyshower I never got to have and being its not even been a year. Its still fresh, do people not remember??
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Re : Am I wrong not to go????

Postby brockner1 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 01:12 pm

I dont think you are wrong on not attending such parties. All people are different and it is difficult to be in such situation. For my case, 90% of our family, relatives dont know about my first pregnancy and our first loss. And, we received an invitation for my husband's cousin's son turning one and date was exactly 2 months after our loss. First, I thought that i can't handle this but then i couldn't refuse because it was from my in-laws side and that no one knows so decided to attend. I tried very hard to keep my emotions within.

It was very hard for me but i had no other option. In your case, everyone knows what you have been through so you dont have to behave like a super women to please others.
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Re : Am I wrong not to go????

Postby kara » Thu Jan 21, 2010 01:23 pm

I don't think you are wrong either. It's probably tough for your friends to decide what to do and I think it's nice they are making an attempt to include you. I know some mom's who've lost children end up feeling alienated because no one knows what to say, so they don't say anything or include them in anything. But I think it's totally fine that you turn down the offers, and don't feel bad about it for one minute. Someday you may be ready...but until then, do what you need to do. Everyone should understand.
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Re : Am I wrong not to go????

Postby amanda » Thu Jan 21, 2010 03:14 pm

Just to back up the others - I don't think you are wrong and like Kara I've had friends who feel alone after their loss (I know this was true for me) - I think that it's such a difficult decision - they want to include you so you don't feel left out but then they also don't want to hurt you anymore than you already hurt.

I think it's kind of your friend to tell you that she understood. I think it sounds like she just didn't know what to do so she went with the best idea she had - I don't think she was trying to make it worse - at least that's how sounds to me. I wish that I had friends who were considerate like that when I had my loss - it would have made me feel, if nothing else, still included.

Don't push yourself, give yourself time, and only do what you feel is right.
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Re : Am I wrong not to go????

Postby keneke68 » Thu Jan 21, 2010 03:39 pm

I too have to say you are not wrong at all! You did what is best for you and that is how it should be. There may be a day when you can attend such parties and you will know when the time is right. Dont beat yourself up for taking care of you!

For me I still to this day will not/can not go to a baby shower. I really can not bring myself to do it. The pain for me is too deep. Since losing our daughter Madison many people have invited us to birthday parties as well. And I have kindly declinded and said I just cant handle it.

It is so nice that your friends include you and understand why you can not attend. I send you many hugs and can tell you I truely understand!!
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Re : Am I wrong not to go????

Postby angieb » Thu Jan 21, 2010 07:03 pm

No, you aren't wrong at all!
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Re : Am I wrong not to go????

Postby naomihope427 » Fri Jan 22, 2010 00:50 am

Thank you very much for all writing. I appreciate it. I may never be ready to attend such a baby shower, but that's me.
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Re : Am I wrong not to go????

Postby love_the_daschies » Fri Jan 22, 2010 09:22 am

I agree with the others - you are not wrong at all. I haven't gone to many events (birthday parties or family gatherings) and have not attended any baby showers - that will be tough. I am usually just honest with a - thanks for the invite , I am not ready yet. Please keep inviting me though.

People seem to really understand. I don;t know how I will be able to attend a baby shower again either, just way too rough.
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Re : Am I wrong not to go????

Postby annes » Fri Jan 22, 2010 09:31 am

You do what is right for you! Someday, believe it or not, you will be able to attend these events, but until you feel ready, don't push yourself :).
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Re : Am I wrong not to go????

Postby lucy » Sat Jan 23, 2010 04:55 am

I agree with all the others, be gentle with yourself. Many hugs.
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