Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

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Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby kbunsey » Thu Feb 04, 2010 05:41 pm

I hate winter. Or maybe I hate being cold. Or maybe I have some postpartum depression. Or maybe I just need to get some physical activity back into my life. Or maybe my stupid grief is going to hang around forever. A couple weeks ago it was ANGRY, loud, raging grief. I was MAD! Mad that Fiona died. Mad at the suffering. Mad at the world. Mad at the doctor and midwife. Mad that things trigger memories. Mad that I reroute car trips to avoid that stupid hospital that I'll forever feel screwed-up my care. Just MAD. More recently it has been sad grief. Looking at Kyle and just feeling sad because she didn't get to grow and be beautiful like he is. Wondering what she'd be like at 3 mos. or however old she'd be now. Ruminating. And then last Friday it was PTSD again. I was stuck in the shower. Something triggered a panic attack - a memory of what happened to us - and I could not get out. I kept looking at Kyle in his soothy chair and saying, "Get out before he starts crying." I could not get out of the shower. And the water was getting cold. And I couldn't breathe. The phone was on the sink and I kept looking at it and thinking, "Pick it up. Bring it onto the shower. Call 911. Or call Doug and tell him to come home and take care of the baby" b/c I could not make my limbs move to get out of the shower. It was scary. Somehow I snapped out of it, got a few breaths, started crying and got out. I picked up the baby, and rocked him b/c he was starting to cry b/c he wanted held. And then Doug called and I picked it up and said "I'm freaking out" and I was crying. But when I was in the shower - stuck - I wasn't crying - I could hardly breathe - and I was stuck.

And then I had another PTSD episode. Kyle was crying really hard the other night. I think just tired and gassy. As he cried in my arms and writhed around I had this thought of Fiona and her suffering and wondering if she cried and was in pain all those weeks while I was sick and waited for her to die inside of me - her kidneys not working - being curled up in a little ball - not moving - not growing - just barely breathing with so little fluid. And I started hugging Kyle so hard and jiggling him more and just wanting to hold her and getting him to settle down and know how loved he is and bouncing on the exercise ball (one of our soothing techniques) and my husband came up to offer to take his turn soothing the baby and I couldn't let him go - I just felt like I couldn't do anything for the other one - please just let me help calm and comfort this one. And I was crying. Not sobs, just tears rolling down my cheeks. And I felt so helpless about the other baby and I felt good to at least be able to comfort Kyle, but I never got to hold or comfort her and sometimes I wonder if she suffered and felt pain inside of me.

OMG. I feel this giant SCREAM welling up inside of me and it can't get out. I've been snacking a lot too. I think b/c I can feel this noise inside of me and I don't know what to do with it and so maybe I'm trying to quiet it or stuff it back down. And now that I have Kyle I can't just go out for a brisk walk or cry whenever or go in the backyard and smash plates and yell into the woods.

I made an appointment for a consult w/ a therapist who does EDMR. I knew my grief wouldn't just magically go away when Kyle was born - but - I didn't think it would still be so loud - still.
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby aundapenner » Thu Feb 04, 2010 05:57 pm

(((Katie)))

I am PMing you.
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby raspbeari » Thu Feb 04, 2010 06:39 pm

oh hun, i'm sorry you are having a tough time. I did some EMDR too and took an antidepressent. I say whatever is going to support you best. This is horribly difficult to go through. And I think we are all different, I'm still finding my way with it, 4 years out, and I sort of tucked it away(the grief) so that I could get on with things. I did my share of grieving too, I think there is really no right or wrong to grieving.
I think it's good you made an appointment with your therapist.
(hugs)
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby l412angel » Thu Feb 04, 2010 11:07 pm

I too feel this as well :( I strongly believe I have PTSD! I was driving to work today and an ambulance was in front of me and I got anxiety. I went to urgent care on sunday for my cold and I had anxiety for 3 days!!! (Brought back memories)

I so often feel the "stuck" feeling. Like I have nowhere to go nothing to do and cant stop thinking about whatever im thinking about, then I get the racing heart and tightness in my chest...its scary!

I too wonder if Cara ever felt any pain inside of me and it kills me to know she may have :(

I dont think we will ever feel ok. Our "NORMAL" is not not the normal we used to be or the normal other people are.

P.S. What is emdr?
((HUGS))
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby shierman » Fri Feb 05, 2010 11:58 am

Katie,

I'm sending you hugs... It is so hard to grieve and be happy at the same time. I struggled the very first few months Thomas was with us and had all of the same thoughts that you have about Fiona about Gabriel. Somehow I've compartmentalized them- when I think about Tommy, it's all about Tommy, and when I think about Gabriel, well, I'm a mess. I'm not sure if that's a healthy response or if I'm setting myself up for a big meltdown someday, but that's how I'm dealing with it.

I hope that you can get in to the therapist and that that will help with your PTSD. In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you and hoping that we Midwesterner's can expect a little bit of sunshine in the near future.

Sarah
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby annes » Fri Feb 05, 2010 02:45 pm

Katie, I am so sorry that you are going through this, but really happy you are reaching out. I hate the cold, also. We spend way too much time inside, because it is dark and cold already by the time the kids and I get home from work/school/daycare. Too much sitting around thinking... Griffin's birthday is coming up fast and as in the past years I am becoming obsessed. My rage has mellowed down to sadness as the time has passed and while it still sucks, it is not a physically uncomfortable as the rage was. Take care of yourself.
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby wrennie » Sun Feb 07, 2010 02:16 pm

sending you hugs Katie, your post made me cry. I know what you mean. hang in there.
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby brianned5 » Mon Feb 08, 2010 12:41 am

I'm thinking of you Katie. I knew having Kyndall wouldn't take away my grief for Kylie but I never thought it would make it worse. The pain is more intense now. I'm sending hugs your way.
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby brandi101 » Thu Feb 18, 2010 02:06 pm

im sorry for ur grief but im worried this will happen to me as well i had my daughter 8/31/09 and here i am due in june 2010 with another and have not got someone to help get me through this except my 4 year old girl and thats not going to be enough
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby brandi101 » Thu Feb 18, 2010 02:09 pm

im terrified if u find anything out that might help get us through this let me know please as i will do the same for u im praying for u and ur family good luck and please keep me updated
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