I hate winter. Or maybe I hate being cold. Or maybe I have some postpartum depression. Or maybe I just need to get some physical activity back into my life. Or maybe my stupid grief is going to hang around forever. A couple weeks ago it was ANGRY, loud, raging grief. I was MAD! Mad that Fiona died. Mad at the suffering. Mad at the world. Mad at the doctor and midwife. Mad that things trigger memories. Mad that I reroute car trips to avoid that stupid hospital that I'll forever feel screwed-up my care. Just MAD. More recently it has been sad grief. Looking at Kyle and just feeling sad because she didn't get to grow and be beautiful like he is. Wondering what she'd be like at 3 mos. or however old she'd be now. Ruminating. And then last Friday it was PTSD again. I was stuck in the shower. Something triggered a panic attack - a memory of what happened to us - and I could not get out. I kept looking at Kyle in his soothy chair and saying, "Get out before he starts crying." I could not get out of the shower. And the water was getting cold. And I couldn't breathe. The phone was on the sink and I kept looking at it and thinking, "Pick it up. Bring it onto the shower. Call 911. Or call Doug and tell him to come home and take care of the baby" b/c I could not make my limbs move to get out of the shower. It was scary. Somehow I snapped out of it, got a few breaths, started crying and got out. I picked up the baby, and rocked him b/c he was starting to cry b/c he wanted held. And then Doug called and I picked it up and said "I'm freaking out" and I was crying. But when I was in the shower - stuck - I wasn't crying - I could hardly breathe - and I was stuck.
And then I had another PTSD episode. Kyle was crying really hard the other night. I think just tired and gassy. As he cried in my arms and writhed around I had this thought of Fiona and her suffering and wondering if she cried and was in pain all those weeks while I was sick and waited for her to die inside of me - her kidneys not working - being curled up in a little ball - not moving - not growing - just barely breathing with so little fluid. And I started hugging Kyle so hard and jiggling him more and just wanting to hold her and getting him to settle down and know how loved he is and bouncing on the exercise ball (one of our soothing techniques) and my husband came up to offer to take his turn soothing the baby and I couldn't let him go - I just felt like I couldn't do anything for the other one - please just let me help calm and comfort this one. And I was crying. Not sobs, just tears rolling down my cheeks. And I felt so helpless about the other baby and I felt good to at least be able to comfort Kyle, but I never got to hold or comfort her and sometimes I wonder if she suffered and felt pain inside of me.
OMG. I feel this giant SCREAM welling up inside of me and it can't get out. I've been snacking a lot too. I think b/c I can feel this noise inside of me and I don't know what to do with it and so maybe I'm trying to quiet it or stuff it back down. And now that I have Kyle I can't just go out for a brisk walk or cry whenever or go in the backyard and smash plates and yell into the woods.
I made an appointment for a consult w/ a therapist who does EDMR. I knew my grief wouldn't just magically go away when Kyle was born - but - I didn't think it would still be so loud - still.