Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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hannahsmom
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby hannahsmom » Sat Mar 27, 2010 10:11 pm

Hi, Katie -

I am wondering how your appointment went. Sending you big hugs....

kbunsey
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby kbunsey » Thu Feb 18, 2010 10:47 pm

Well...I'm still just depressed. Not raging any more but just sad. And I'm weird. Previously, I avoided baby girl clothes. Couldn't even look at them. But now, b/c I'm shopping for Kyle (constantly!) I can't help but see adorable baby girl clothes. And they are just too adorable - the spring outfits with all the little flowers and ruffles and cute dresses and jumpers for summer. And I've become obsessed with them. I keep staring at them. Touching them. Wanting to buy them. Considering them. I had this bizarro thought that I could start buying baby girl outfits and keep them in a box - a plastic storage container in a closet and they'd be my secret stash of baby girl clothes. And then I was like, "Holy crap! Katie. You're off the deep end." So I told my therapist about it tonight and she asked if the clothes were for Fiona or for a future baby. And I didn't know the answer. It is a 40-minute drive so I thought about it all the way home. And as I nursed Kyle to sleep tonight I realized that the baby girl clothes would be for me. I want them. Fiona has been gone for so long. And I don't know if I'll have another baby. But I wanted that baby - that baby girl and I never had her here alive so she could wear adorable baby girl clothes - and the part of me that was waiting and anticipating and looking forward to her sorta still is and perhaps is still a little confused about it all. And like so many other people have commented - it gets weirder and kinda more complicated with the new baby (Kyle) - he's kind of a trigger. My therapist said this is just a stage of my grief. She said it is still "normal" grieving. I guess that's good to at least be normal in grief. And you know what else is going on? I'm tired. I'm a new mommy. I'm back to work. I'm just holding every, isn't it. To set aside ourselves and do for everyone else? And so my grief and depression and "stuff" is just getting set aside b/c I have work to do. I have a beautiful baby boy who needs me (and I LOVE him!!!!) and a job and my poor dear husband gets the brunt of it all. I realized all this on my way to therapy tonight. I had this nice music on and was singing and in singing I was breathing - like really deep, full breaths and then the tears started. It was the first time I'd taken some nice full deep breaths in quite a while. And of course when I connect w/ my breath I connect with those emotions I've been setting aside.

Sigh................................................. I'm OK. I shouldn't make it sound like I'm all bad. I can still laugh and smile and joke. I just get here and let it all out.

I have my EMDR consult on March 11. It is covered by my insurance. http://www.emdr.com/ I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you everybody and (((HUGS))) to all. XO

brandi101
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby brandi101 » Thu Feb 18, 2010 02:09 pm

im terrified if u find anything out that might help get us through this let me know please as i will do the same for u im praying for u and ur family good luck and please keep me updated

brandi101
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby brandi101 » Thu Feb 18, 2010 02:06 pm

im sorry for ur grief but im worried this will happen to me as well i had my daughter 8/31/09 and here i am due in june 2010 with another and have not got someone to help get me through this except my 4 year old girl and thats not going to be enough

brianned5
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby brianned5 » Mon Feb 08, 2010 12:41 am

I'm thinking of you Katie. I knew having Kyndall wouldn't take away my grief for Kylie but I never thought it would make it worse. The pain is more intense now. I'm sending hugs your way.

wrennie
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby wrennie » Sun Feb 07, 2010 02:16 pm

sending you hugs Katie, your post made me cry. I know what you mean. hang in there.

annes
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby annes » Fri Feb 05, 2010 02:45 pm

Katie, I am so sorry that you are going through this, but really happy you are reaching out. I hate the cold, also. We spend way too much time inside, because it is dark and cold already by the time the kids and I get home from work/school/daycare. Too much sitting around thinking... Griffin's birthday is coming up fast and as in the past years I am becoming obsessed. My rage has mellowed down to sadness as the time has passed and while it still sucks, it is not a physically uncomfortable as the rage was. Take care of yourself.

shierman
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby shierman » Fri Feb 05, 2010 11:58 am

Katie,

I'm sending you hugs... It is so hard to grieve and be happy at the same time. I struggled the very first few months Thomas was with us and had all of the same thoughts that you have about Fiona about Gabriel. Somehow I've compartmentalized them- when I think about Tommy, it's all about Tommy, and when I think about Gabriel, well, I'm a mess. I'm not sure if that's a healthy response or if I'm setting myself up for a big meltdown someday, but that's how I'm dealing with it.

I hope that you can get in to the therapist and that that will help with your PTSD. In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you and hoping that we Midwesterner's can expect a little bit of sunshine in the near future.

Sarah

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l412angel
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby l412angel » Thu Feb 04, 2010 11:07 pm

I too feel this as well :( I strongly believe I have PTSD! I was driving to work today and an ambulance was in front of me and I got anxiety. I went to urgent care on sunday for my cold and I had anxiety for 3 days!!! (Brought back memories)

I so often feel the "stuck" feeling. Like I have nowhere to go nothing to do and cant stop thinking about whatever im thinking about, then I get the racing heart and tightness in my chest...its scary!

I too wonder if Cara ever felt any pain inside of me and it kills me to know she may have :(

I dont think we will ever feel ok. Our "NORMAL" is not not the normal we used to be or the normal other people are.

P.S. What is emdr?
((HUGS))

raspbeari
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Re : Stupid Grief Continues and Rages

Postby raspbeari » Thu Feb 04, 2010 06:39 pm

oh hun, i'm sorry you are having a tough time. I did some EMDR too and took an antidepressent. I say whatever is going to support you best. This is horribly difficult to go through. And I think we are all different, I'm still finding my way with it, 4 years out, and I sort of tucked it away(the grief) so that I could get on with things. I did my share of grieving too, I think there is really no right or wrong to grieving.
I think it's good you made an appointment with your therapist.
(hugs)


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