by kbunsey (895 Posts), Thu Feb 18, 2010 10:47 pm
Well...I'm still just depressed. Not raging any more but just sad. And I'm weird. Previously, I avoided baby girl clothes. Couldn't even look at them. But now, b/c I'm shopping for Kyle (constantly!) I can't help but see adorable baby girl clothes. And they are just too adorable - the spring outfits with all the little flowers and ruffles and cute dresses and jumpers for summer. And I've become obsessed with them. I keep staring at them. Touching them. Wanting to buy them. Considering them. I had this bizarro thought that I could start buying baby girl outfits and keep them in a box - a plastic storage container in a closet and they'd be my secret stash of baby girl clothes. And then I was like, "Holy crap! Katie. You're off the deep end." So I told my therapist about it tonight and she asked if the clothes were for Fiona or for a future baby. And I didn't know the answer. It is a 40-minute drive so I thought about it all the way home. And as I nursed Kyle to sleep tonight I realized that the baby girl clothes would be for me. I want them. Fiona has been gone for so long. And I don't know if I'll have another baby. But I wanted that baby - that baby girl and I never had her here alive so she could wear adorable baby girl clothes - and the part of me that was waiting and anticipating and looking forward to her sorta still is and perhaps is still a little confused about it all. And like so many other people have commented - it gets weirder and kinda more complicated with the new baby (Kyle) - he's kind of a trigger. My therapist said this is just a stage of my grief. She said it is still "normal" grieving. I guess that's good to at least be normal in grief. And you know what else is going on? I'm tired. I'm a new mommy. I'm back to work. I'm just holding every, isn't it. To set aside ourselves and do for everyone else? And so my grief and depression and "stuff" is just getting set aside b/c I have work to do. I have a beautiful baby boy who needs me (and I LOVE him!!!!) and a job and my poor dear husband gets the brunt of it all. I realized all this on my way to therapy tonight. I had this nice music on and was singing and in singing I was breathing - like really deep, full breaths and then the tears started. It was the first time I'd taken some nice full deep breaths in quite a while. And of course when I connect w/ my breath I connect with those emotions I've been setting aside.
Sigh................................................. I'm OK. I shouldn't make it sound like I'm all bad. I can still laugh and smile and joke. I just get here and let it all out.
I have my EMDR consult on March 11. It is covered by my insurance. http://www.emdr.com/ I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you everybody and (((HUGS))) to all. XO