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I need to vent

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I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Fri Feb 26, 2010 05:49 pm

by l412angel (1746 Posts), Fri Feb 26, 2010 05:49 pm

So my best friend is 8.5 months pregnant. When I lost Cara 3 months ago she came to the hospital to see me and came over afterwards and even bought Cara a christmas ordament with her name a birthday engaved.

She had her baby shower last sunday I attended, was sad and couldnt wait to leave...but I made it. (yah it was suuper hard)

Well anyway she told me this week that she does not think I am doing any better and that doctors appointments and loosing Cara has consumed my life. I had a video made for Cara and she said she cannot watch it because its too hard for her (which I understand since she is almost ready to give birth) She said the things I post on facebook make everyone too sad and people dont comment because they do not want to encourage me to feel sa dand be sad. She said "I think you should start to move on by now or you never will. Try not to think about it as much and put it in the back of your mind" She also told me that she thinks this website and my share groups are not helping me.

At first I thought she was right...now im just dowqnright pissed. Like FUMING. I JUST LOST MY DAUGHTER....I GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY THAT WAS NOT ALIVE...24 HOURS OF LABOR...ARE YOU SERIOUS!

I just dont know what to do I feel so lost...no one knows my pain...not even my own mother (who claims she does even though she has never lost a child) OK SERIOUSLY PEOPLE NO ONE KNOWS MY PAIN UNLESS YOU HAVE LOST A CHILD!


Ok anyways (sorry) I dont know what to do about this or what to say to her. I think its her that wants to forget what happened to me because it makes her sad and she is scared about the upcoming birth of her son...Help!
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Re : I need to vent

Postby angieb » Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:00 pm

by angieb (1192 Posts), Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:00 pm

Honestly, even those of us who have lost babies aren't YOU, I wouldn't dream of telling anyone how they should feel, even if our paths have been similar, everyone is different, grieves differently, etc.

I think that you have every right to be disappointed and even angry with your friend for presuming to tell you how you should be feeling/doing/what is or isn't helping you.

I've had friends that have really stepped up and been there for me, and friends who have really really let me down and I've come to question how much of a friend they really are, even someone I've been friends with since 7th grade.

Honestly, I'm coping right now by withdrawing into myself. My mom keeps asking me why I don't call as much anymore. It's because I just don't want to deal with people. I'm still absolutely devastated and reeling and I don't want to pretend like I'm okay after pretending to be okay everyday at work for 9 hours. (And believe me, if I had the option of quitting my job, I would, but DH lost his the day after I went back to work so I've had to tough it out.) I mean, sometimes I'm okay, and sometimes I'm not, but I hate feeling like I need to pretend to be okay. It's easier for me just to not talk to people as much. And when I do talk to my friends, they tend to gravitate towards asking me how TTC is going and stuff like that because it's relatively safe and I think for them it's a sign I'm okay and I've moved on. I know that even getting pregnant again isn't going to make this okay or take away the loss or to make me totally move on. I'm a different person, now and I will probably end up shedding some friends who turned out to be not really friends anyway.

I think you should just ignore her and do what makes you feel better, regardless of what she thinks.

For me, it has helped a little spending a little less time online and more time reading trashy romance novels instead. It got to the point where I was so obsessed and depressed about ttc that I was making myself and DH way more miserable than was necessary. Less time online and a concentrated effort on not stressing so much about it has helped me, but that doesn't mean it's something that will work for you or something that is even necessary for you.
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Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:06 pm

by l412angel (1746 Posts), Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:06 pm

Thank you!! I have not been online as much because it totally was consuming my life before. Although the death of my daughter will always and forever consume me. Even when I have other children, and I just dont think my friend gets that. Do you have any advice on what I should say to her, or what I should say if she says something along those lines again.

I feel like if you have gone through it before it would be ok to say something along those lines, but untill you have...you shouldnt say anything at all.

I HATE taht people are behind my back saying I seem so depressing and they are worried about me and I should be moving on!
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Re : I need to vent

Postby brandi101 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:42 pm

by brandi101 (158 Posts), Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:42 pm

i understand what u mean its been 6 months since i lost my daughter and my own sister tells me to move on i told her that until she has went through what ive been through not to judge me and im also preggo and that has made it worse for me i am so scared
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Re : I need to vent

Postby brandi101 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:45 pm

by brandi101 (158 Posts), Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:45 pm

and so depressed i go to counsling but it hurts to even hear someone say well kayleigh is dead move one we all grieve differently and in our own time i would tell ur friend this my bf for 8 years hasnt been there for me as much as my new bf has and we
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Re : I need to vent

Postby brandi101 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:47 pm

by brandi101 (158 Posts), Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:47 pm

havent known each other for a year now im sorry it took me three posts to do this im on a cell phone and can only put so much at a time anytime u need to talk u can email me i know what ur going through
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Re : I need to vent

Postby sam10 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 08:04 pm

by sam10 (1437 Posts), Fri Feb 26, 2010 08:04 pm

Hi Laura,

I know so very well how you are feeling. When I was 23 my father died very unexpectedly and suddenly and I know from that time that many people's reactions are just off. They don't understand and cannot comprehend and say stupid things rather than saying anything at all. They are scared of the intensity of the emotions that hit them. Often I either ended up being really annoyed and hurt, or I found myself consoling my friends, when they should have been there for me.

When my little Henry died, I already saw this coming and this time around, I am not letting people bother me with their remarks. If they make inappropriate comments, I am straightforward with them and let them know that they have no idea how it feels to lose a child. This was also the reason why me and my husband were the only ones attending Henry's funeral. That way we did not need to console anybody else, nor talk to anybody, nor listen to any unwanted advice. We were able to take our time and say good-bye. Many people were offended by our choice, but honestly, I stopped always just caring about other people first.

I also started therapy to help me cope with Henry's loss. My therapist told me that the grieving process takes at least 6 months,but usually much longer. So, when people say something like your friend did, I tell them what my therapist said. That usually helps. If all else fails, I simply say: "If the shoe fits." That helps too.

Losing a child is one of the most traumatic things one can possibly experience. Take all the time you need to grieve. Do those things that you find helpful, whatever it is. You know what works for you.
I also limit the amount I spend on the internet, because it does make me feel worse sometimes. It helps me to take walks, to read, or watch mindless TV.


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Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Fri Feb 26, 2010 08:18 pm

by l412angel (1746 Posts), Fri Feb 26, 2010 08:18 pm

Thank you Brandi! I know your scared and preggo I read your posts all the time. Just know that ANYTIME you feel uneasy just call in or head to L&D. Thats what eases my mind when I think about being pregnant again!

Julija- Cara's funeral was kept very private as well. Tv helps :) I feel like I am doing REALLY well for being 3 months out, so It just took me by suprise when my friend said that! I even attended her baby shower!! Im so sorry about your little Henry :( Life can be so cruel!
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Re : I need to vent

Postby sam10 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 08:31 pm

by sam10 (1437 Posts), Fri Feb 26, 2010 08:31 pm

It must have been so hard to go to your friend's shower and then on top of that to be told to move on. I am glad though that you are doing really well, since 3 months is not very long.

One of my friends was very open with me. She told me my situation is so painful for everybody around that she would give anything to make it go away real fast. I was very thankful for her honesty. Most people would not dare to tell me that.
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Re : I need to vent

Postby rebecca2 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 09:01 pm

by rebecca2 (639 Posts), Fri Feb 26, 2010 09:01 pm

Laura,

I'm so sorry your friend said those things to you. It made me furious just to read about it. Sadly, I think that is the way a lot of people think, which is why I've isolated myself from most of my so called friends. I find it so hard to believe that people can't realize that you don't just *move on* or *get over* your child's death, much less be back to your happy self in just 3 months!

My therapist told me something similar to what Julija's therapist said as far as time lines. I'll try to find some of the papers she gave me outlining the different stages of grief and timelines to send you. Seeing them written out made me realize that what I'm going through is *normal* for someone grieving the loss of a child. She also said that grieving is a very fluid process so you can be in one place one minute and *think you're ok*, but then something might trigger a memory and you will move back to day 1 in an instance.

I've also got some papers that I received from my support group that has information for friends and family. Basically it has a list of what NOT to say. It is been a while since I've looked at it, so I'm not sure how much is appropriate at your stage of grief, but it might be helpful anyway.

As for your mom, I just wanted to share with you something that the pastor said at my daughter's funeral that might help you understand what your mom's going through right now. (My daughter was buried with other babies, so there were lots of mom's & grandparent's there.) This particular pastor had a child that was born still about 30 years ago, so he reflected on the fact that he had been in our seats and understood the pain of loosing a baby. He then went on to speak about how the grandparent's were not only grieving the loss of a grandchild, but they were watching their own child go through such incredible pain and couldn't make it better. It wasn't until then that I realized what my parent's were going through as well. I'm not saying that I think your mom is right to tell you she knows what you're going through, just that I'm sure it is hurts her to see you in so much pain.

Have you considered speaking with a therapist? I was reluctant to at first, but after a few months I decided to try it and it has really helped. It hasn't taken away the pain, but it is helped to know that my feelings are normal. I'm not crazy, I'm just grieving. She is also helped me come up with a *tool box* of ideas for dealing with things.

If I find those papers I was talking about I'll try to scan and email them to you. They aren't a magic pill that will fix things, but like I said above, sometimes it is nice to know you ARE grieving appropriately despite what others tell you.
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